Sexless marriage 😞

[Frustratedfather89]

Aibu to feel like my marriage is over? We have been together for 17 years, married for 7, 2 kids, both boys aged 5 and 1. There is literally no intimacy in our relationship anymore. We have had sex once in the last 2 years and probably 10 times in the last 5 years total. I'm very much attracted to her, and pay compliments all the time. When I say no intimacy I mean literally nothing from her. No physical contact other than a kiss goodnight (peck) which i instigate everytime. Anytime we have had sex in the last 10 years it's been because I instigated it (actually feel like a pest even trying anymore). I don't want to leave as our family life is good and I don't want to be away from the kids but I'm not sure how much longer I can stick the rejection

You're going to have to make peace with celibacy because it sounds like she's not interested in sex. The alternative is to split up; most people don't manage open relationships.

What's your home setup? Is she looking after the children constantly? It's really easy for life to become a miserable drudgery when you're stuck looking after young children and doing the housework. It's both difficult and boring at the same time and it gets you down.

Have you sat down with her and just asked her about it? Honest conversation?

Both working from home 80% of time. She's worshiped by both of the kids. Cling to her at times. Easier said than done talking about it. Have talked in the past but never made much of a difference.

Pay attention to what her life is like. Is she the one doing everything for the kids and everything around the house? You need to be honest with yourself. Do you actually contribute more than just financially? If the kids just want her, what can you do to keep the house running. If you are just another person she has to look after, she won’t find you attractive.

She doesn't get to just unilaterally decide you're living a life without sex.
This has been a long standing problem so can't just be blamed on babies.

You would be more than right to force the discussion with no wishy washy pandering.

But honestly, you've got 1 life I would absolutly put divorce on the table.

I think maybe a rigid timetabled arrangement might be the best you're going to get here whilst the kids are young.

What about having an honest chat and seeing if you could get a once weekly sex evening - say on a Friday/Saturday you agree to put your phones off, kids in bed. You're going to do a fancy meal, bottle of wine and have a cuddly night where intimacy is expected!

It might be that she rejects your advances because she doesn't want them to lead to sex - whereas she might feel more comfortable knowing that a snog on Monday is going to stop at that and she can get herself more in the mood for the timetabled night.

Of course you could dot it all about the calendar rather than having a set routine but, if you have a conversation and let her know this is important to you, she might be comfortable with a less spontaneous arrangement and, who knows, she might even get to enjoy her intimate evenings with you.

Do be sure to have a conversation though and see if you can come up with a solution. I haven't tried this timetable thing myself but i have heard of it working for other couples and i know, when my own kids were young, sometimes i did stop my DH getting too close as i just was not in the mood for full sex.

She does the majority. Like 60/40. Not an excuse but I am generally busier with work so she has more time to be the awesome mum that she is. Don't be thinking we dislike each other or anything cause apart from the lack of intimacy our relationship is good. This has been an issue longer than when the kids came along too but obviously that has become another obstacle to fixing things. I love her, she's an amazing mum

I’m curious to hear what her reasons for not wanting to have sexual intimacy are. Have you not had an open and honest discussion with her about it?

So the once in the last two years would have been when you conceived baby number two?

But also you've managed to get married and have two children in the ten years that this has been an issue. (Why did you get married if this is how you were feeling?)

But maybe try to figure out how her life has changed since she had baby number two. How much of the extra work of having children is shared, how much has fallen to her to do. You both work from home - but do you share the responsibilities in the home? Do you try to do things with and for your children, or do you just give up because you see them as clingy?

If you had two children that were clingy to you, and your partner did as much (or as little) as you do, would you still feel attracted to them?

How much time to you both get to spend doing things for yourselves, whether that's in or out of the house?

I don't know if that's where the answer lies for you - but I know it's where the answer lies for quite a few couples. She ends up tired and resentful because his life doesn't change nearly as much post children as hers has.

Worth considering.

This is a terrible idea. She clearly doesn’t want to have sex so to timetable sex in where she then feels obligated to have it is just wrong and definitely won’t get her in the mood.

I’d say your marriage probably is over. That level of rejection is not something you can or should have to live with.

it's harsh but it sounds like she's gone off you tbh and speaking from experience as a woman once that spark goes it's very difficult to get it back.

This.

In my experience, and I'm over 60, people don't change.

We get only one brief life on planet earth. Do you really want to spend it desperate for intimacy?

Was going to name change for this but sod it.

I have been married to DH for 22 yrs. Pretty good marriage, we get on and do things together, however I’ve totally gone off sex. I used to really love sex and was way more adventurous than him. Now my skin crawls when I even think about DTD with him.

He will be wondering why, I expect. He hasn’t asked so I haven’t contributed any reasons or excuses.

For me, these are my reasons.

He brushes his teeth once in a blue moon. I don’t want to kiss him because of his breath. It’s difficult even sleeping in the same bed. He’s the type to take offence and sulk for days so I haven’t directly said to him this is one of the reasons. I’m also not his parent. He’s 46, HE should know to brush his own teeth. Or to go to the dentist.

Sex lasts approximately 30-40 seconds then it’s over. The very second I get into it, it stops. So what’s the point? We’ve spoken about this but for some reason he won’t address this issue with a GP, because let’s face it, it’s not an issue for him. He gets his orgasm and I get wet for nothing. Again, I shouldn’t have to nag an adult to see a doctor. Especially when I don’t even care to have sex. I’ve given up asking him to sort this out. So his selfishness over this is a large contributor to my dwindling libido.

Limited attraction from my end. I guess sometimes this fades over time. He’s a good looking man, just with the teeth issue and other things, the attraction just isn’t there for me anymore.

Uneven distribution of housework. He does very little. I’m naturally the default parent and always have been. He acts like an additional child, which is not sexy for me. Eg, the teeth issue and the premature ejac issue, if I told him to brush teeth, he willingly would. But I’m not his fucking parent. If I booked the dr appointment, he’d go. Again, not my job. I am tired of being the chief decision maker by default despite never signing up for the role. All of that makes me less and less attracted to him. I’m attracted to intelligence and initiative, when that’s gone there’s nothing for me to be attracted to.

He makes zero attempt to woo me into bed. He thinks he can just get it out and I’ll be ready, or he can rub my back for 20 seconds to fire me up so I’ll be raring to go. No dates arranged. No flirting other than some cringy innuendos that remind me of Bruce Fortsythe or worse.

He’s genuinely one of life’s great guys (I know my description hasn’t sold him), he really is though. We are an amazing team and I actually believe if he ever asked me “why?” I would tell him the reasons stated above, but he doesn’t even take the initiative to ask me, so I’m not offering the information. If this was a situation that bothered me then I would sort it, but right now, I don’t care for sex. Libido is low. When it does come, I sort myself out.

But I’m sure he is like many, many men who are perplexed as to why their wives don’t want to sleep with them anymore. I know he finds me attractive. I look and weigh the same as I did when we met in high school and I’ve worked hard to keep my looks and figure. He always touches me and I hate it.

And yes, we can do other things other than sex. He loves to give oral, but sometimes you just want a good shag, don’t you?

Anyway, should he ever be looking on Mumsnet for answers, he may see this response and click. But OP, not sure on your situation, but all I ever see is bewildered men who have no idea why sex has dried up, when they have similar qualities to my DH.

Nailed it

No-one can say why your wife has gone off sex, but reading mumsnet it does seem to be very common indeed. So it could almost be defined as part of normality.
Clearly there will also be many women who are up for it all the time, but the scenario described by the OP is par for the course.
Who can say why? Maybe it is just part of biology and related to the fact that men go on being fertile till death, so the urge continues similarly.
Warmth, physical affection and closeness are important to women for sure, but it seems that many can do without direct genital activity.
There is nothing worse than being with someone you care for and share children and life with but knowing that you cannot show them any affection without precipitating a hand down the knickers or a thrusting dick rubbing up against you when you just wanted to be affectionate and caring.
The only way is communication, but sometimes that becomes difficult as lines are drawn and difficult to cross once they become entrenched.
Maybe put sex off the agenda ... it pretty well is anyway .... and just make sure there is lots of physical affection shown all the time so she knows you are able to give her a hug without wanting more. Not easy I know, but if you want to be with her and keep your family together you may have to play the long game. Sexual compatibility is the exception rather than the rule as we all change in every regard throughout our lives.

This exactly! Absolutely similar to me! And I'll bet my DH just blames it on me having had a baby recently. But the truth is laziness in all areas is incredibly unattractive. Groping me whilst I'm bent over trying to fix our toilet seat thinking that's a good time to see if I'm in the mood and then seeming confused as to why I didn't appreciate that instead of offering to help. Personal hygiene... I've not washed his bathroom towel..not sure when he has!

i think relationships have their ups and downs. I Think when you have young children it’s very difficult to find that couple time. I remind myself and my husband that this is just a phase and we will have more us time in the future.

i completely relate to your wife, i have two young kids who constantly want me. I feel like I never have a moment for myself…from the moment I wake up it’s all about the kids, work is busy, then household chores, bedtime routines. By the evening, I don’t want to be a wife. I want to be me. I’m so exhausted I go to bed earlier than my husband.

But that doesn’t mean I’m not attracted to him. I miss spending time with him, and most of all I miss me. I miss being sexy and having energy, I feel like my spark has gone!

You mentioned you have a one year old. So your wife will be adjusting to her new body, her new way of life with two kids and sleepless nights. I think you need to give her time, and maybe plan some dates nights. Even if it’s in the house, cook for her, play some old songs, be spontaneous.

Even if it’s in the house, cook for her, play some old songs, be spontaneous
Sounds great .... but she will know there is an ulterior motive!
This is what makes this problem so hard to solve without talk, talk, talk.

I think we should pin this to the relationships board !!!!!

In contrast My DH and I have lots of sex, he is amazingly competent, a great dad, looks after himself, earns a decent wage, dresses well, has put more effort in as we have aged. He is excellent in the bedroom !

so yeah…. What are you bring to the sex party ?

If someone who can't master basic personal hygiene, doesn't care that his wife actually gets any pleasure out of sex as long as he does, doesn't do his share of parenting and sulks when his partner tries to discuss any sort of issue is 'one of life's good guys' then I think we are all doomed!

Excellent post. Thanks for sharing.

I should tread carefully here as I don’t want to offend anyone who may think my input is weird or irrelevant, but it could possibly give op another angle to consider.

Im a guy as well, although a gay one in a long term relationship of over 20 years, I have a couple of aspects to give. Firstly libido does alter over the years, I’ve had periods when I don’t particularly want to be intimate and any moaning or whining just makes my undercarriage smooth over like a Ken Doll. These periods happen and I’ve realised that lots of talking and honesty from both sides is what’s important here, you have to talk and give space if that’s required and if one of you can’t or won’t then of course you have bigger issues. In these periods I’ve had to spell out that I want to hug, but that’s not a green light to more, then that builds up trust and the partner who is having a slump in libido can then feel safe about going further with intimacy when they are in the head space for it.

The other aspect of it, which is why I mentioned being a gay guy in case you all thought I was doing the ‘out of the way, MAN HERE thing!’, which I’m not, just thought my perspective of being with men may help a little, is that from my single days I remember the sheer number of men who had absolutely no clue what sex was about beyond sticking it in! Il try not to be too crude, but we are all adults here. So many guys think that their partner should be just impressed that here is their wonderful appendage and that going in and out then their big finish is enough. Being the penetrative partner can give a very simplistic view to what sex is about and once a guy gets lax with making sure they are doing what their partner needs then there is very little motivation for many wives and partners to want to participate, some guys are not as good at sex as they think they are. What you see in porn films or mainstream movies is nothing like actual sex, it’s for show.

The other aspect which has already been pointed out on here by women with actual experience is that she may be touched out from looking after your children. Children drain you, she’s not doing nothing all day and then ready and waiting with a glowing smile and sexy baby doll nightie, she’s probably worn out looking after both of your children.

But ultimately you need to talk about how she’s feeling, don’t kick the conversation off with ‘why won’t you sit on my wotsit anymore?’, have a few chats about how her life is and what she needs, just check if everything is balanced first, then see, if she does want celibacy after all that, then obviously think of what’s important to you and potentially leaving down the line, good luck anyway.

@Shoppedatwoolworths’s post is very insightful. OP I would ask yourself with ruthless honesty if any of this applies to you.

It’s hard to overstate how much the drudgery of day to day life with children and a job saps your libido in a best case scenario. Most women of her age are permanently knackered and slightly frustrated.

Failure to do the little things which take the edge off that, such as contributing to childcare and domestic work, or basic hygiene, become magnified in a situation like this. The fact you work more than her may be true but that doesn’t offset her resentment.

Throw into the mix a sense of entitlement to sex and an unwillingness to produce a bit of romance or just mental intimacy and you have a recipe for resentment which is deeply unsexy.

It may be possible to turn this around if you are prepared to be very honest with yourself about how well you are meeting her needs. If not and she has just lost interest, you may just have to accept that your marriage is over. Most don’t go on forever. It’s hard when there are children in the mix but you may be happier apart.