Sexless marriage 😞

[Frustratedfather89]

Aibu to feel like my marriage is over? We have been together for 17 years, married for 7, 2 kids, both boys aged 5 and 1. There is literally no intimacy in our relationship anymore. We have had sex once in the last 2 years and probably 10 times in the last 5 years total. I'm very much attracted to her, and pay compliments all the time. When I say no intimacy I mean literally nothing from her. No physical contact other than a kiss goodnight (peck) which i instigate everytime. Anytime we have had sex in the last 10 years it's been because I instigated it (actually feel like a pest even trying anymore). I don't want to leave as our family life is good and I don't want to be away from the kids but I'm not sure how much longer I can stick the rejection

@Shoppedatwoolworths

Has he ever hinted he's upset with the frequency?

I'm pretty sure if you put all this in a list and said his chances would go up (not necessarily be guaranteed!) if he fixed these, most men would jump right on it!

Were things ok until you had kids? We have a 3yo and a 1yo and I’m still breastfeeding which destroys your sex drive for most women. I am attracted to my DP and hope to have a decent sex life again but right now it’s nonexistent. We’re also knackered, all the time.

Other than skin crawling innuendos or things like him saying “I hope you’re my dessert” after I make him dinner, no. He doesn’t complain. Or ask. Which I’m thankful for because it saves me a job and I’m very happy the way things currently are. If I was unhappy with the situation then I’d definitely pull him up on things, but that’s not the case right now.

Also thanks everyone for reading my post and not jumping at me. I was cautious sharing that but I’m glad I did, it was cathartic. Also to OP, my post was in no way implying you’re doing any of those things my husband does/doesn’t do. Just after many conversations with many friends, we’ve nearly all found ourselves in similar situations with the same mindset. Our men became lazy, in one way or another, thus we became lazy in indulging in sex.

My DH was not like this when we were dating or at the beginning of our marriage, but he’s slowly crept into this. It’s almost as though I’ve gradually taken his mother’s place. And no mum wants to fuck their son. I want a partner, not another child to think about. I wish he could go back to how he was, but alas, here we are…

I could have written this. My DH is a great dad and a lovely patient man. But I don't want to have sex with him because of various issues that I've spoken to him about, and he says he'll sort but then doesn't. I am married to a man with no drive to improve things so I can't be arsed anymore to pretend to want sex with him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shamelessly placemarking to see if the op can see himself in @Shoppedatwoolworths post. Behind many a ‘low libido’ woman lies this story. Many men think their partners should just be attracted by them without them having to act in desirable ways.

Yes, the no drive to improve things resonated with me. They become complacent, almost as though “we’re married now, sex is an expectation so no effort is required” then we become bored, and they wonder why.

And if I said this to my husband, he would automatically think he’d need to improve the sex and make things spicy and probably start looking at handcuffs or costumes or whatever. But what I really want him to do is improve himself and act like he’s dating me again. Shower (he does this to be fair), dress nice, book a dinner somewhere without asking me “where shall I book” or leaving it to me entirely. Brush your goddam teeth like you used to when we were dating. Stop the creepy sexual comments that make me cringe and my skin crawl. Stop trying to grab my bum when I bend over in front of you (he doesn’t do this anymore as I pointed out this is likened to unwanted sexual harassment)… honestly at this point, if he even used his initiative and actually ask me why we don’t have sex as much anymore, that’s probably be enough to kick start my libido (half jokes)…

@Shoppedatwoolworths your post really resonated with me (and obviously others!) I am absolutely where you are with my own relationship.

Men seem bewildered that their wives or partners don't want to have sex with them when sometimes they make no effort. I love my DP but his lack of initiative and his inability to make decisions is a turn off. I work hard at keeping fit so I feel better and hopefully will be around for our DS longer but my DP eats badly, refuses to see the need to exercise or lose weight and into the bargain he drinks too much which in itself is unattractive. I just want to be in a relationship with another grown up!

I only know one woman in my friend group (30's and early 40's) who doesn't enjoy or want sex. She is asexual and always has been.

The others love sex but some just don't want to do it with their husbands.
The main issues are:

1. Hygiene. Top of the list.
2. Touched out from kids and husband thinks he does far more than the reality. She gets no time for self care. He has hobbies.
3. He has let foreplay slide and got lazy.
4. He equates intimacy to sex. Cuddles, little kisses, dates, flowers, deep conversations etc are all used as a means to an end rather than her feeling like he sees her as a woman.

Have an honest chat with her, but I do wonder if you are honest with yourself what you could do to rebuild your relationship outside of being parents.

But she shouldn't have to... That's the point.

It's like telling someone you want a birthday card. It's not special if you have to basically boss someone into doing the bare minimum.

And honestly, multiple posts on here from women who's husbands don't even brush their teeth. We are not their mothers and there's nothing more unsexy than having to treat a man like a toddler.

I more often than not find the reason your spouse, usually always the wife, has lost sexual interest is because she's taking on the load in the household and now she's tired. Likely feeling resentful. You've already suggested she does more and the children depend on her more. Google "single married mum" and decide if what you read could relate to you. You've said you're usually busier but if she is dealing with kids and home she is also very busy and needs help. Do what you can to pull your weight. And when you really can't, look for hired help. Don't ask her, just do it. You may need to do this for awhile without expecting anything sexual in return.

I agree and I’m not suggesting to sound harsh. Lots of people will question division of chores, post children hormones etc. but sometimes it’s simply because woman is no longer interested in sex either at all or with her partner. doesn’t sound like she is motivated to change the situation and I don’t think any amount of wooing and taking on the mental load by you will change that.

you may need to consider whether this is how you want to live

People on here will tell you it’s because you’re not doing enough housework or childcare, and maybe it is.

But also, sometimes you just stop fancying someone and don’t want to have sex with them any more. I actually think this is the case more often than not in sexless marriages.

If it’s that, then yes it’s probably unsalvageable. But you are going to have to have some difficult conversations to find out.

Yes. In my opinion when women go off sex with their current partner they (the woman) often experience it as total loss of interest in all sex. And perhaps that is what they tell their partner, really believing it, and the partner believes it too.

But with a new partner their interest in sex returns.

You need to talk to your wife. If she is not menopausal or experiencing significant hormone changes (pregnancy etc) and she seems to have zero sex drive when she had one before, it is almost certainly a problem with how she feels about you.

I know that’s hard to hear, and I wouldn’t like to hear it myself. But only by being realistic is it possible to make an informed decision as to whether you can carry on like this or not.

Good luck to you both in reaching a solution that works for you.

I see both sides here. The teeth thing, sure, no excuse. I can 100% understand why this is a deal breaker. But the rest, I sort of see as a negative feedback loop, and I think there has to be a bit of give and take from both sides.

If sex is infrequent, he is WAY less likely to exercise his orgasmic control. I think this is true for most men. If you haven't had chocolate in a year, it's amazing when you return to it. If sex is infrequent, that sensation and buzz is going to make him go in half the time of a 'regular'. The less it happens, the worse it gets. Sadly, the quicker he goes, the less she wants it.

Same with dates and foreplay, and I think this is true for many relationships. At the start of a relationship, dates and foreplay often lead to sex. As the relationship grinds on, the 'conversion rate' naturally gets less and less. As such, many men see it as a wasted investment. Why take her out on dates if there's no sex? Why invest in lots of seduction, presents, effort, etc, if it's a coin flip?

There's are numerous papers saying women's sex drives naturally decline (for various reasons), while men's tend to stay fairly consistent. This is what I mean by conversion rate. If he puts in the same effort, he's going to get less and less return... and as the relationship goes on, the less effort he puts in, the less she subsequently wants sex too, so the less effort he puts in.

I think there's a danger for this to happen on both sides. It's easy for small things on both sides to snowball.

The longest he has EVER lasted is 39 seconds. We used to have sex multiple times a day, that is the longest he’s lasted! He lasts that long if we do it once a week or once an hour, so no, you’re wrong, unfortunately.

As for the dating leading to sex and then not willing to put in that effort because of some sort of conversion rate, again, you’re wrong. And if most men do think like that, then that’s very sad and they definitely do deserve less sex if all they ever made an effort with a person for was a chance of sex rather than seeing them as an individual person who they’d like to get to know.

But dating etc I’m not so bothered about. It’s more so being the “thinker” of our marriage. Like I’m the font of all knowledge for the household so he gets to switch off his initiative. The way he’s morphed into a child role and I’ve morphed into the mother role. As I said, no mother wants to fuck her son.

And the person who said women don’t lose their desire for sex, they lose their desire for sex with that person is BANG ON. That is so true.

But @Shoppedatwoolworths isnt talking about her husband taking her out on dates etc so he will get sex. She is talking mostly about doing very basic things all adults should do, regardless of their relationship status, and how she can’t be attracted to someone who doesn’t have the initiative to do them.

For example my own DH has the following issues: doesn’t wear deodorant unless i buy it and remind him to put it on; ditto tooth brushing; has multiple skin conditions including psoriasis, warts and dozens of verrucas that he has never even attempted to resolve; has to be told after every single poo to go back in and use the toilet brush. No initiative in day to day tasks. I could go on.

I particularly resent all this as I keep myself looking nice and am still in good shape (and clean!!!) despite pregnancies and breastfeeding. It’s galling to spend time and money taking care of myself when he can’t even take a moment to realise what a turn-off it is to come face to face with someone’s shit every time you enter the bathroom. There is a HUGE difference in what constitutes “effort” for men and for women.

Like @Shoppedatwoolworths husband he is a good, kind man and I couldn’t get by without him. He does actually do a fair bit of housework/childcare. And take me out on dates, cook dinner, give me massages etc, not as a transactional route to sex but because we enjoy being nice to each other.

However nonetheless sex is much less frequent than it used to be. It’s clear why, surely?

Sorry you are going through this OP.
I can relate to @Shoppedatwoolworths post 100%.
Except I don't believe my partner is one of the good guys!
The reason I don't have sex with my partner is because he is extremely lazy, does no housework, little childcare and drinks too much. Our daughter doesn't sleep well, I do pretty much everything with her plus work full time and I'm exhausted.
After 10 pints at the weekend he thinks I should be totally up for it when he slaps me on the ass when I'm doing the washing up 😬

Check you are being honest with yourself about doing your fair share around the house.
Women do need to feel appreciated and not like they have another child to look after.
Apologies if this is scathing as you can tell it's a raw issue for me!
Good luck!

One of the problems when it comes to shared tasks is that women rapidly become cued in to their babies and this tends to extrapolate into childhood - they know their children inside out - their moods, nuances, signs when things are not right etc. etc. - and all that is great but it does tend to mean that men sometimes feel sidelined. Wife knows best - and some women perpetuate that by telling their spouses they are doing it wrong. It is a trap that many women fall into - they criticise their partners when they don't do stuff for the family, but when they do they criticise the how.

Just a thought.

Fantastic post, I think this is true for so many women.

You said you'd talked in the past but it didn't make any difference. What sort of talk was this and what outcome were you expecting?
Because it sounds like you might have talked and expected her to change.

If that's the case, I'm not surprised things didn't change. Your wife probably has complex and nuanced thoughts about your relationship, family life, financial arrangements and more that all feed into your sex life.

Ask questions about her inner life/thoughts and actively listen.

Yes it tiring having young DC....but sex once in two years. I suspect that it wouldn't actually matter how much housework he did...

I'd call it a day

Well, I have "unilaterally decided" at 40, now at 45 I couldn't be happier.
Offered husband a divorce, open marriage, wouldn't hear of that.
No sex is great, at least in my life 👍

Have you discussed it? I think having small children is exhausting as a mum it can feel like another thing to do. But it can get better. Date nights, time away, things for yourselves not all about the children. Maybe ask what she needs? She may just be exhausted and want you to help out more as a start. I’d say little steps but try and agree on time together would be a start.

So not the same thing at all.