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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants to take DD away for Xmas

56 replies

WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:07

Ex has just messaged to say he intends to take DD on holiday from 17 Dec - 2 Jan.

We have recently been through a process where he has tried to increase his time with her (currently 2 nights a week). The trigger for this was when I requested he increase his maintenance payments which haven't changed since 2019. We trialled a new routine which didn't go well (due to his very strict parenting style) and DD has asked that we revert to the normal routine (she's 8).

The dates for this holiday will mean that I have no time with her over Xmas and he will be taking her away during term time as she doesn't break up until 20th Dec. He hasn't told me where they're going but has indicated it will be abroad.
He does Xmas very differently to me, he doesn't do oresents (not a religious thing, he's CofE and this applies to birthdays too). This means she won't be able to do any of our normal Xmas activities and events which really upsets me and I'm not sure whether I'm being too emotional about it.

AIBU to be upset and block (if I can) his attempt to take her away for Christmas?

OP posts:
cherish123 · 12/11/2024 23:08

YANBU

StarDolphins · 12/11/2024 23:10

YANBU - Does your DD want to go? She’ll miss you & you’ll miss her. I would say no. What was the plan last Christmas?

cherish123 · 12/11/2024 23:10

It's a long time over Christmas. I would not want him to. I'd want to block it. Would that mean you would not be able to take her away for 2 weeks? Could you compromise- a few days?

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 12/11/2024 23:10

Simply reply back and say no. I co-parent fab with my ex and I'd still say no to that.
If he has two nights a week that's what he gets for now. He's trying to upset yoh as you've challenged him on maintenance.

socks1107 · 12/11/2024 23:11

Yanbu. Offer a different school holiday but Xmas should be shared

AffableApple · 12/11/2024 23:14

He doesn't just get to announce these things. It seems more time spent with him recently hasn't worked out, so surely you can use ghat to support your "no". What do you usually do in terms of shared parenting at Christmas? I have no advice, but solidarity. He sounds ridiculous.

Zofloramummy · 12/11/2024 23:17

Tell him no! Not at Xmas, plus I highly doubt you’re dd will want to go away from her mum for that long.

Original poster
WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:20

AffableApple · 12/11/2024 23:14

He doesn't just get to announce these things. It seems more time spent with him recently hasn't worked out, so surely you can use ghat to support your "no". What do you usually do in terms of shared parenting at Christmas? I have no advice, but solidarity. He sounds ridiculous.

Normally one of us has her for Xmas and the other has New Year and we alternate. Last year I took her skiing for Xmas but that was just a week and she was with him for New Year.

OP posts:
Womblewife · 12/11/2024 23:22

Remind him of the usual
shared set up and say no.

Original poster
WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:23

StarDolphins · 12/11/2024 23:10

YANBU - Does your DD want to go? She’ll miss you & you’ll miss her. I would say no. What was the plan last Christmas?

Not sure whether she wants to go or not - she's with him tonight so I won't know until she's back with me.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/11/2024 23:27

17 days over Christmas? Absolutely not, especially with the 'no presents and over strict parenting'. Have you got her passport?

Original poster
WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:31

Ponoka7 · 12/11/2024 23:27

17 days over Christmas? Absolutely not, especially with the 'no presents and over strict parenting'. Have you got her passport?

Yes, I have her passport!!

OP posts:
ColaCar · 12/11/2024 23:31

Just tell him no.

Rainbowdottie · 12/11/2024 23:32

I think at 8, that's a long time to be away from her mum. Even if she says she wants to go, I don't think an 8 yr old can fully comprehend how long that is plus not seeing her mum at christmas. As a (retired) teacher, I fully support that parents need to work together but even I think at 8, that's too long .

Daisybuttercup12345 · 12/11/2024 23:38

That would be a strong NO from me.
You would probably both be fined if she is taken out of school early.
No DD for Christmas and a fine!!!
Just block his plans.

Original poster
WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:42

Thank you everyone. I've messaged him to say taking her for the entire duration of the school holidays is excessive.

I believe he's a covert narcissist so trying to stay calm and not to get emotional when communicating with his about it.

OP posts:
elizzza · 12/11/2024 23:45

Away for 17 days, missing 4 days of school, not even telling you where he’s planning to take her, no presents at Christmas? Absolutely not. Don’t hand over her passport. I’d say he can take her for his week of the holidays.

Oreyt · 12/11/2024 23:54

I know it's out of your hands but cheating and abuse aside this is why I'm staying with DH.

I can't imagine not seeing my kids. He works away so they hardly see him and wouldn't like being with just him.

I hated being to and from parents when I was younger.

I know my take isn't normal and women are brave to leave.

If she's 8 surely it should be up to her? Or is the legal age 12?

It's not fair him doing this to you or your daughter.

Noseybookworm · 13/11/2024 00:09

Just say no. If he wants to take her for a week over Christmas, that sounds reasonable. She probably won't want to be away from you for that long anyway.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 13/11/2024 00:45

WillowCloud · 12/11/2024 23:31

Yes, I have her passport!!

Show quote history

Just checking if he has any dual nationality and could get another passport?

Be alert to the fact that he could (if he’s horrible and clever) report the passport as lost or stolen and apply for a replacement.

You’re wise not to get emotional. Communicate very factually with him, like a robot! Keep records and don’t get emotional, count to a million if you have to.

Original poster
WillowCloud · 13/11/2024 00:54

Thank you @ASandwichNamedKevin

He's def British so no dual nationality. He's devious but I'm not sure he's that clever/daft to apply for a replacement passport.

Good advice thought so thank you!

OP posts:
Eenameenadeeka · 13/11/2024 01:07

I think that's too long taking up all the Christmas time. Maybe he could for a few days but she should be able to celebrate with you as well

CheekyHobson · 13/11/2024 01:16

Just say a flat-out no, that's not going to work for you. He can have her for the normal agreed time of either Christmas or New Year's, but not both.

And if you suspect in any way that he is going to say one thing and do another, do not hand her over to him.

DeepRoseFish · 13/11/2024 02:08

A firm NO from me

DeepRoseFish · 13/11/2024 02:11

Oreyt · 12/11/2024 23:54

I know it's out of your hands but cheating and abuse aside this is why I'm staying with DH.

I can't imagine not seeing my kids. He works away so they hardly see him and wouldn't like being with just him.

I hated being to and from parents when I was younger.

I know my take isn't normal and women are brave to leave.

If she's 8 surely it should be up to her? Or is the legal age 12?

It's not fair him doing this to you or your daughter.

Cheating and abuse aside?

I hope you are ok?

It’s usually never the best option to stay with your abuser.

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