Ex wants to take DD away for Xmas

[WillowCloud]

Ex has just messaged to say he intends to take DD on holiday from 17 Dec - 2 Jan.

We have recently been through a process where he has tried to increase his time with her (currently 2 nights a week). The trigger for this was when I requested he increase his maintenance payments which haven't changed since 2019. We trialled a new routine which didn't go well (due to his very strict parenting style) and DD has asked that we revert to the normal routine (she's 8).

The dates for this holiday will mean that I have no time with her over Xmas and he will be taking her away during term time as she doesn't break up until 20th Dec. He hasn't told me where they're going but has indicated it will be abroad.
He does Xmas very differently to me, he doesn't do oresents (not a religious thing, he's CofE and this applies to birthdays too). This means she won't be able to do any of our normal Xmas activities and events which really upsets me and I'm not sure whether I'm being too emotional about it.

AIBU to be upset and block (if I can) his attempt to take her away for Christmas?

I’d be guided by your daughter. If she didn’t want to, that would be good enough for me.

@WillowCloud

if he was going to give her a fun Christmas, then I'd suck it up (for myself) & let her go, but as she's going to have a non Christmas it would be a firm NO. Especially with Mr Grinch around, it's likely to be her last proper kids Christmas, I'd be maxing out the fun.

Given that recent changes have made her unhappy, & she wants to go back to less contact, NO.

I’d be saying no- 50% of the break tops and he gets either Christmas or New Year, not both. The 50% includes getting back to your house.

What day is she back at school? Is she an age where she stays up for New Year’s? If she’s back at school on the 3rd then 2nd is too late to come back (especially if it’s a long flight, early/late time of day and you live far more the airport. )

If you say yes then make sure that you get him to agree that you get 100% of Christmas 2025. I bet that he won’t want that.

The person who applied for the original passport has to be the one who reports it lost.

Something to bear in mind. If he gets fined for talking her out of school, you will be fined to, even if you didn’t agree to him doing it. Both parents get fined even if separated. Seems a bit unfair to me

I think that’s what the poster means by ‘cheating and abuse aside’, i.e. those are the two circumstances under which she would leave. Otherwise, she would stay in an unsatisfactory marriage to avoid the situation the OP is in. I know two women who have made the same decision, one of whom has agreed with their husband that they will formally split when the children are a bit older.

So it’s ok for you to take her away for a week over Christmas but not him?

He wants to take her away for Christmas and new year whereas they each usually have one or the other.

Just say one week max (Christmas or new year) and no missing school. I suspect he's found a good deal somewhere if he's not a dual citizen, do check his destination too in case there's another solution like you travel to the same place, works for some ex's (my friend went to Florida with her ex, they weren't together much, but dc really appreciated them being able to get along

She said she took her for a week and he had new year. He's proposing to take her for 2 weeks over Christmas and new year.

No, dear. Re-read the OP and try again.

@Eastie77Returns

Yes thank you.

I'm not saying it's a good choice and women shouldn't leave. I know most won't agree either me. Our situation is different as I don't see him every day.

My DH did actually loose our DS’s passport and have to apply for another one (and I wasn’t going to sort it as I wasn’t the muppet that left it on the plane). He reported it lost online. However, when he applied for the new one, the passport office needed a letter from me to confirm I was in agreement. (Can remember the exact term). So there is some safety net.

can’t (why still no edit button. Grumble grumble)

The school issue id refuse point black simply for this reason, as you BOTH would be fined for him taking her out of school.

I had a friend whose dh was an alcoholic, they lived abroad and she finally managed to move back to the UK with her dc.
The deal was that the dc flew to her df every Christmas, unfortunately the dc’s birthday was 2 days before Christmas.
My friend didn’t see her dd on her birthday or Christmas for several years.

Life’s tough for single mums. And so many df’s just do the Disney bit while the mum does the real parenting.

There is an edit button. Click on the three dots on the top right of your post, and it's there (if using a browser... Not sure where it is on the app)

If it is a fun holiday and she would want to do it, then I would have no issues with him taking her over Christmas and new year. But I would not be ok with the missing school part. What is it he wants to do that needs so long? It does make it a bit odd.

Legally neither of you can take the DC abroad without the other's permission.

If he went to court for permission he would likely get it (family break, no intent to remove from jurisdiction etc) BUT I suspect it would be unlikely he got 17 days or the time out of school.

Thank you for all your feedback.

A quick update - I've let him know that I think the length of the trip is excessive and I'd like to have some time with her over new year. Apparently this is me vetoing his trip so he's decided not to go after all

You must have the patience of a saint to co-parent with this twat. No presents for Christmas? Expecting you to agree to zero contact over Xmas and new year? Well done for keeping your cool, I'm not sure I'd be able to.

@saraclara

There isn't one on the app.

If she's spent all Christmases with you. I'd give him Christmas day to Boxing day morning. No way would I agree to a term time holiday over Christmas where she gets no time with me at all.

You need to get you need to get some proper boundaries in place.

First, apply to the CMS today, go for the middle option it costs a small one off admin fee they review his earnings every year and send him the payment plan and he sets up the standing order.

Second, if contact isn't working right now and he is making demands go to court to get it written down. Whatever works for DD so birthdays and Christmases alternated we did 12 noon Christmas eve - 12 noon boxing day, but you could do Week 1 and Week 2 same for Easter, half of all school holidays either split a week each so you always have May, he has February and you split October (because children are always ill for that one), parental birthday and Mother's / father's day spent with relevant parent. Once you have the formal guidance in place you can be flexible but revert back to it.