Not to let in-laws stay?

[Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee]

I’m heavily pregnant and have a young child. SIL and BIL are coming to visit for DH birthday in a couple of weeks and is staying in a hotel locally (with their children). I feel annoyed that they have chosen to visit so close to me having a baby when they have only ever visited us once or twice before (in 10 years!). We live around 4 hours away. TBH I don’t want to spend the whole weekend with their children in my house as they are loud, naughty and will get on my nerves (not all down to my hormones but mostly). I’m now worrying that DH parents will come for the weekend but just show up unannounced to ‘surprise’ him, which they’ve done before. The problem is that they will expect to stay at our house and I don’t want them (or anyone else) staying here at the moment. Again, they don’t visit often, once a year. AIBU to not want DH family around at the moment? I just really like my own space and routine at the moment and want to be as comfortable and stress free as possible. Would I be out of order to tell the in-laws they can’t stay here if they just turn ip? I would be honest about my feelings. Also - usually have no real issues with in laws and they are welcome to stay, the one time each year they make the effort to visit that is

Thank you. I’m going to message MIL privately to ask if they’re thinking of visiting and then will tactfully say they can’t stay here but we’ll have a lovely time while they visit. If I’m prepared for day visitors, it’ll be fine. If I’m put on the spot by unannounced visitors wanting to stay and feel
forced into saying yes, I will resent them and won’t enjoy the weekend at all

Do they expect to be waited on when they show up unannounced like that? A lot of women are martyrs with this stuff. They think it is their responsibility to look after visitors, but personally I would just let DH and family get on with it. I wouldn't be running around after any of them. In fact, I would take the opportunity to hand the child off to DH and grandparents to "bond", then I would rest.

when I was pregnant and had hyperemesis up until delivery, I faced a similar dilemma. DH had my back all the way. The ILs visited, but they stayed in a hotel. DH did all the work of having them visit during the day. He encouraged lots of outings to see the local sites that I did not attend. Even when they were at the house, if I needed a break, he supported me going for a rest or a nap.

now to this day, the ILs still talk about how they barely saw me in that particular visit. I don’t really know if they think negatively about it or if they say it out of concern. I don’t care to ask follow up questions. I was sick. DH supported me. He still got to visit with his family and I saw them as much as I could manage. That is what matters to me.

If I were you I'd have a chat with SIL, tell her you suspect PIL will turn up unannounced and while you're happy for them to come, for the same reasons your SIL is staying at a hotel, you'd rather they not stay with you. Ask her if she'd find out on the quiet if her parents are coming and do what she can to push them to book a hotel. They're her parents, she'll understand 💐

YANBU to expect notice. You would also NBU to expect DH to take over everything related to hosting.

YWBU to say they can't come, how would you feel if DH expected your family to either not come at all, or pay for a hotel when you have a room available?

33 weeks isn't that heavily pregnant, if they don't visit now when would be a good time? You can't complain that they don't make any effort when it's clear you resent them when they do.

Maybe it is better that they come now rather than just after you have given birth and are sleep deprived with a newborn to care for.

It would be rude of your in-laws to just show up and expect to spend several nights/days as guests. Do you really think they would do this? I can't imagine doing that to anyone, pregnant or not!

Indeed! And there’s a big difference between day visitors and overnight guests!

It’s been a bone of contention in our house, I never mind seeing DH’s family, but then you suddenly find they expect 4 nights accommodation for four guests!

I to think the world divides between those who are happy for people to just drop in/turn up to stay without asking and those who hate it. Being pg adds another dimension to it but I'd personally hate it whether pg or not. Some people like to be asked and not have assumptions about their home and time made.

Get sil to speak to her mum re not staying, easy out, imo. I hate people staying at the best of times, being pregnant and quite near term would make me rage if someone pitched up unexpectedly.

Hugs OP.

Every pregnancy is different, you know how much you can manage on a day to day leading up to all of this.

My first pregnancy I was literally bed bound. But with my daughter I was on a camping holiday at nearly 37 weeks!

The timing is a nuisance, I'll say that much.

Up to DH if he wants them to stay and he's happy to host. Sounds very controlling otherwise.

This was basically going to be my suggestion, because I think it’s fine to not want overnight houseguests.

I’d head off the worries about a surprise visit by inviting your PIL to come join for day visits/activities on X & Y dates but with them staying in a hotel. You can offset the potential offense of “you can’t stay with us” by being the one to extend the invitation, showing that you (both) do actually want to see them. And, if you’re anything like me, knowing what to expect and having some control will take a lot of the stress and anger out of it.

I’d definitely also ask your DH to take on the planning for meals & activities with his family, including plenty of time with them all out away from your house. Having a schedule in place (ex. On Saturday they’re all going to do X during the day without me and we’ll order pizza and eat a bakery cake at the house after, Sunday we’re going to Y for lunch and then saying bye at the restaurant) will probably help you mentally de-escalate.

I would find it spectacularly rude if people (whoever they are) just turned up to stay. Honestly, who does that?! 😄

I agree with sending them a message saying you know they love to surprise you and it will be great to see them but please book a hotel.

If they're not dicks, they'll understand or will have already booked somewhere.

I think it would be lovely for them to surprise your DH. I also think it would be unspeakably rude not to check with YOU first before making those plans! I can't believe anyone would actually do this, just show up without a word to anyone in the household and expect to be accommodated? And even worse given that you're pregnant with a small child. Madness! Obviously you'd be completely within your rights to direct them to the nearest hotel.

Is sil/bil likely to be in touch with mil/fil before dh's birthday? Any chance a quiet word could be had that with you being shattered & heavily pregnant it really isn't a good idea to stay with you, so they book a room at same place as sil & bil?

I was thinking the same

MN MIL’s are known to be eager to cause trouble.
If you hadn’t have strayed onto this forum your MIL would have been an angel.

I don’t resent them making an effort, but I would be annoyed if they chose to turn up unannounced and expected to stay when I’m already very stressed when they only visit once a year normally

If they do turn up and expect to stay over, make sure DH 100% does all their food shopping, cooking, cleaning, makes up beds, sorts clean towels etc

@Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee This ^^ is what I would do. Takes the heat off you or any awkward discussion

When DH is 33 weeks pregnant, not sleeping well, feeling hormonal and heavy and not his best then he gets to call the shots on the OPs family coming to stay

You are unreasonable to resent SIL and BILL coming, when they're staying in a hotel. At 33 weeks, you're being a bit precious.

I spent appreciate a no notice visit from the PILs though. Given that SIL had been thoughtful, maybe you could ask her to check that they're not planning to do that, and to make sure they understand that it's not an option?

I assume that SIL & BIL live a long way away and PiL live closer to you so they don’t get to see them that often.

Could they stay with you and then hotel for a day and then drive to the PiLs for the following day? That way they see all of you but you don’t have the stress for 2 days?
Hope all goes well with the remaining 7 weeks of pregnancy.

The husband is not likely to be pregnant

"Only" 33 weeks pregnant. LOL. Only someone who had an easy pregnancy and has zero capacity for sympathy would say that.

At 33 weeks, I was having an awful time. Incredibly tired, stressed and unwell but too early to go on mat leave. No way would I have had someone stay in my house.