Not to let in-laws stay?

[Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee]

I’m heavily pregnant and have a young child. SIL and BIL are coming to visit for DH birthday in a couple of weeks and is staying in a hotel locally (with their children). I feel annoyed that they have chosen to visit so close to me having a baby when they have only ever visited us once or twice before (in 10 years!). We live around 4 hours away. TBH I don’t want to spend the whole weekend with their children in my house as they are loud, naughty and will get on my nerves (not all down to my hormones but mostly). I’m now worrying that DH parents will come for the weekend but just show up unannounced to ‘surprise’ him, which they’ve done before. The problem is that they will expect to stay at our house and I don’t want them (or anyone else) staying here at the moment. Again, they don’t visit often, once a year. AIBU to not want DH family around at the moment? I just really like my own space and routine at the moment and want to be as comfortable and stress free as possible. Would I be out of order to tell the in-laws they can’t stay here if they just turn ip? I would be honest about my feelings. Also - usually have no real issues with in laws and they are welcome to stay, the one time each year they make the effort to visit that is

I don't blame you OP, and it's all good people saying poor DH how will he feel about it, it will obviously be OP scrabbling to make beds/clean the toilets/sort the guests out even if it's his family!

My DH has often said it's fine for his family to stay, but if I left it to him they'd be staying in beds that someone else or the cat had slept in and no thought to what actually needs doing.

But you must know there are plenty of men capable of hosting their parents (and other guests for that matter) properly?

No need to assume the OP's husband is the same as yours.

@Sleepysleepycoffeecoffee come on people! give the girl a break. we all know that when people come to the house, they expect to be waited on hand and foot. even the in laws! as for in laws staying, at this stage of pregnancy, it would be a big fat NO from me! what was you partner even thinking of to invite his bro and family to stay. you would be knocking your pan in cleaning and stripping beds! hard enough as it is when it is just you and your partner and kiddie. take it easy.

I appreciate the pregnancy thing but if a woman on here said that her husband wouldn't let her parents stay she'd be told to LTB

I'd tell your DH you're going to a hotel with a spa for the long weekend to be pampered while he take on child care and hosting duties if his parents rock up and expect to be hosted.

As it is, he should be looking after the invited relatives, not you, under the circumstances. Doesn't matter if it's his birthday, you're exhausted while you're nearing the end of growing another human.

Can you turn your spare room into a chaotic mess of getting stuff ready for baby?

@DuplicateUserName what percentage of men would you guess that to be?

I'd guess at 5-10% or less.

YABU given that you're 33 weeks pregnant. You can't just say no visitors from this point onwards, then no doubt no visitors for the first how many weeks of babies life and all that! Just no. Your DH is entitled to see his family. But you have every right to say no to staying at your house for any reason.

I was fucked and couldn’t walk by 28 weeks. People judging you obviously had easy pregnancies. I was very glad that I wasn’t allowed to go past 37 weeks in either pregnancy. Sympathy x

She's not at all unreasonable to say visitors can't stay over.

Day visitors or those staying in hotels or airbnbs would be unreasonable.

Why would you want to create work for a heavily pregnant woman with a child?

Thank you. I am just extremely emotional at the moment and don’t want to feel forced into something because I’m put on the spot. I’m not in any way saying they can’t visit, just not staying here at our house. I think that’s fair given how I feel. I might bite the bullet and message MIL privately to ask if they’re planning on coming as a surprise and will be honest about how I feel if she says yes. At least then I am prepared and more likely to enjoy the weekend

be honest, put your boundaries in place and stick to them

The whole house already is a chaotic mess 😆

I think it’s also that I’m more irritable than normal and where I could be completely honest with my own family if they were getting on my nerves, I can’t be as honest with in laws.

Yes you can be honest with them, why can't you? IMO This is the trap people fall into with in laws then silently seeth when the in laws inadvertently do something 'wrong', then you are put off from every having them over.

In laws aren't mind readers, you don't have to be as blunt as you can be with your own family, but If they are good people and you all get on then they will understand exactly how you're feeling, you should be able to tell them how bad you are feeling, or if something is annoying you, and even apologise in advance if you think you are going to overly snippy about things.. it's much better for your own mental health to be open about it than just being snippy and annoyed all weekend and pretending you're fine, or sending them away even though DH wants them there.

If they care about you they will make allowances and hopefully put upon your DH more than they do of you which is as it should be when it's his family anyway.

The SIL was understanding OP so that is a route forward OP And she might be helpful in this instance.
Your DH needs to have your back and say to his parents very clearly that if they were thinking of dropping in and expecting to stay over without organising it, They need to book a hotel as the SIL has done. The problem with them arriving out of the blue is that there may not be a hotel booked, so something has to be said now.

There are quite a few posts criticising the OP for restricting her DH's access to his fam on his birthday, but I don't think the OP is trying to stop her DH seeing his family or enjoying his birthday. She's had a difficult pregnancy and is anticipating needing an early delivery, it's quite fair that she doesn't want the stress of visitors under her feet when she already has enough to worry about and just wants a bit of peace.
OP If PILs can book a hotel without having a huff, he can see them and take the LO with him whilst you have a rest at home.
Good luck with the delivery x

Why say she has 9 weeks to go when term is considered to be 40 weeks and this is her second pregnancy so less likely to be late? You seem to be trying to make her seem more unreasonable. She's also said that she has had pregnancy complications which normally mean an earlier birth.

Most people, whether pregnant or not, would find it inconvenient to have in-laws that turn up on the doorstep with no advance warning, expecting to stay for a weekend.

OP, it's really not their fault if your DH's birthday falls at a time when you're heavily pregnant. I'd ask DH to get them out and about and limit the amount of time they spend in your home. Set some boundaries and then let him enjoy his birthday with them.

It sounds as if your nesting and private den building instincts are kicking in (I felt like that), but… it’s DH’s family, it’s his birthday, maybe relax, go with the flow and enjoy it?

Tell DH his tired you are, get him to arrange for his brother, SIL and kids to go out for the day while you rest. On another day go for a pizza lunch or something.

Why not just meet them in a restuarant for a meal somewhere? They talk and chat with DH, and you can sit and do nothing? Then its bye, bye, lovely to see you etc. and you can return home without them?

If that's how you feel then fair enough but I can't imagine being like this with my DH's family

There are quite a few posts criticising the OP for restricting her DH's access to his fam on his birthday, but I don't think the OP is trying to stop her DH seeing his family or enjoying his birthday. She's had a difficult pregnancy and is anticipating needing an early delivery, it's quite fair that she doesn't want the stress of visitors under her feet when she already has enough to worry about and just wants a bit of peace. - that is exactly it, thank you

I think that having people to stay needs to be mutually agreeable for both partners, not just imposed against the wishes of one. And turning up unannounced and expecting to stay, is a very arrogant and entitled thing to do - it assumes you have nothing else going on and are happy to see and host them! Honestly I'd head that off at the pass and contact mil/fil in advance and let them know you aren't feeling up to having people stay right now, if it was in their minds to visit along with sil. Obviously do it nicely but Yanbu to not want to host while heavily pg and uncomfortable.
Plus, men often say they'll do everything but it's rare one who really does and requires no input from their wife!

You can still be welcoming but in smaller chunks of time!

Think you're getting a tough time here, I think it's really rude to show up unannounced and expect to be hosted family or not.
It's also not uncommon for babies to come from 34 weeks, it's tough going being pregnant especially when you already have children. I would expect my husband to make it clear that no one was staying in our house in that situation! My family or his. SIL does sound like she's being considerate with hotel.

you would be knocking your pan in cleaning and stripping beds!

Did I miss a post from the OP saying her husband's hands and legs are broken?

And there lies the reason for your bar being ridiculously low.

People treat you how you allow them to, and yes that includes men.