Help… Drowning in constant hen dos, weddings, party invites & birthdays

[Milkshakebanana]

I am a 30 year old mum to a 1 year old DD. I’ve been back to work since August and I do Mon - Wednesday and every other Friday so I am on partime wage. DH works full time. Due to maternity leave (SMP) and unexpected bills for example having to purchase a new car and new boiler - money is tight.

I am at a time in my life where friends and family are getting married, wanting hen do’s, 30th birthdays and baby showers. Not to mention Christmas next month!

I just feel unreasonable and awful that I can’t attend or celebrate the events that I’m invited to. I have maybe 7 friends so not 100’s, but so far I’ve had to decline 2 hen dos for best friends due to costs and I’ve only managed to afford a £10 gift for another best friends baby shower.

I feel like as a close friend of people I’ve know 20 years plus I should be attending their special moments. I know I’m going to have major fomo next year when I see the hen do’s and parties I’m missing out on.

Am I unreasonable? Would you think bad of me if I was a close friend unable to spend money on your hen? I feel like I’m going to cry.

Or maybe if people really cared about friendship, they wouldn’t be planning expensive parties in the first place.

when I was in this life stage, a small baby gift was fine. A hen do was a local night out near the wedding. if you didn’t happen to live locally, you couldn’t arrive early enough to attend the hen do, you just didn’t attend .

the shift in expectations and pressure to spend money and pto to prove your friendship is out of control.

My 30th was during maternity leave so I didn’t really “go out and celebrate”

However my hen do cost about £75-80 per person. My friends hen dos so far I’ve been asked to pay £345 and almost £400 for the ones I’ve had to decline.

Perhaps you are also right, people have more expensive taste these days!!

Friend who is having a baby shower, all the girls in the group chat are talking about purchasing her a pram which she wanted which is nearly £800 so they want us all to chip in nearly £100… I’ve said no and bought baby an outfit instead.

To be honest op, I work full time on a good salary, am currently mortgage free and have a good amount of 'fun' money but even I wouldn't want to spend several hundred pounds on hen nights etc. Hopefully your friends will understand you are giving what you can actually afford. If they want you to get into debt for them, they aren't real friends.

YANBU and hen dos that cost £300+ are utterly unreasonable! Particularly when you consider that that's before the wedding, which usually involves a new outfit, a night in a hotel, childcare and a present on top. Lose the guilt OP. If hen dos still consisted of a night out they'd almost certainly be better attended! The narcissism and entitlement around weddings these days is out of control.

You're not unreasonable in the slightest OP. I've turned down two extravagant hen dos in the past couple of years that technically I could have afforded but weren't how I wanted to spend my money or my annual leave. What I did instead was send enough money for a bottle of something sparkly with one of the friends who was going and asked them to get everyone a drink on me (but I only did that because I could afford to, you shouldn't feel obligated to do anything similar).

If a hen do is being organised that excludes some of the friendship group purely due to cost to attend then it's the organisers of it that are unreasonable.

As for a baby shower, a £10 gift is more than fine! I had a baby this year and would frankly have been horrified and embarrassed if anyone had bought us that high a value item.

There's nothing wrong with politely declining, a true friend will understand.
You could get them a gift if you feel that's appropriate, but of course only if it's within budget.

I think you’re at a different life stage and that’s fine. You’ve had a baby earlier than average and they don’t yet realise the costs associated with that. I’m a little bit older than you, no kids yet but will happily decline things if I can’t afford them on Mat leave. Any decent friend would understand and not resent you if you explain why. I think it’s just a downside of being one of the first to have kids, the others will feel the same when they have kids too. Hope you’re ok.

Yanbu, they are. I did not have a hen do nor a baby shower; I had simple outings/invited friends over anyway. These are all costly and grabby events imo and I don't attend when invited. I don't have the budget for these kind of things and if I loose friends over that it means they weren't friends in the first place.

Baby showers are crazy

You’re at that age where all this stuff happens, OP. In five / ten years, it all stops. But I remember feeling overwhelmed by the cost of all the hen dos and baby showers when I was 29-32ish! I declined a lot. I went to all the weddings I could, but only the hens/ baby showers of very close friends because I couldn’t have afforded them all.

Just go to the ones of people you absolutely love. I don’t care about the ones I didn’t attend!

Looking back, it’s kind of madness. I had a hen party and a baby shower - because I felt like I had to! But I said “really, really no gifts”, and meant it.

YANBU and a £10 baby shower present is absolutely ok too.

Some of your friends may not fully understand your situation but most probably will as time goes on.

You could always say something like you can’t afford whatever the main event is but they are always welcome to come to yours for nibbles and a drink/meet for a drink/or whatever suits you.

YANBU - I have turned down hen do's that are too expensive. I'm getting married next year and wouldn't dream of having an expensive hen do that people would feel like they had to come to. If anyone couldn't come to my hen do because they couldn't afford it I would not be offended at all.
Also the price of presents is irrelevant it's the thought that counts. Life is expensive these days don't let these things put pressure on you!

You're doing well with your boundaries.
But please remember the friends who were generous with your milestone celebrations and don't be tight with them if you can avoid it and if you need to be low budget then show you hugely appreciate them in other ways

It depends if you're being hosted or if you are also paying for food and drink.
I've been to baby showers where I've had a full spread of food booze and afternoon tea worth about £60 if it was out. I've also been to baby showers in pubs where it's been a £70 a head meal and then bought a present on top. The second one got a cheaper gift!

I think YWB a little U if they'd all spent a lot on your 30th/ hen do/ wedding/ baby gifts and you now weren't doing the same. Not from a financial angle, just from a not celebrating their things equally.
That doesn't sound like it was the case though so I'd see if you can just celebrate people in different ways. If you can't afford the hen do, ask if you can take the bride out for a glass of fizz instead.

It depends if you're being hosted or if you are also paying for food and drink.
I've been to baby showers where I've had a full spread of food booze and afternoon tea worth about £60 if it was out. I've also been to baby showers in pubs where it's been a £70 a head meal and then bought a present on top. The second one got a cheaper gift!

I didn’t realise baby showers were like this, I thought it was cupcakes and drinks at someone’s home.
I still think a £10 present is fine, I’d hate my friends to spend more than they can afford.

No I wouldn't think bad of you. Whoever can go can go, whoever can't can't. No need to make anyone feel bad that their hen do is pricey, no need to make anyone feel bad for not being able to afford it.

These things do tend to escalate in costs and the expectations can be intense.
But if you can't afford these things, just apologise and explain money is tight. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
But it can affect friendships because it's can be awkward when people have different budgets.
Those that are really your friends will understand and adapt.

How about a celebration for the opening of a new fridge door? I think it should be plastered all over Facebook and everyone should stump up for 2 weeks in the Maldives.

What an odd comment. People celebrate big events like weddings, milestone birthdays, new babies. Always have, always will.

I’m old enough (50) that hen do's were a night out and a baby shower something only in America…everything has become so expensive and extravagant that you’d be very daft to get yourself in debt for a celebration.
However, i would also add that ive been to the funerals of three friends in their late 40’s and early 50’s this year alone, so don't assume you have decades for fun and parties. My advice would be to enjoy yourself as much as you can while you can!

I've been through the constant hen party/baby shower stage (I'm in mid thirties so coming out the end of it now!) £10 on a baby shower is what I would expect to spend, £100 each for an expensive pram sounds mad! The only way I would feel a bit guilty is if they had spent that much on you when you had your first child.

With the hen, I disagree with the commonly expressed view on here (as per @Ponderingwindow) where hen parties are stuck in the 1970s and shouldn't consist of anything more elaborate than a night at the local pub. Things are different now, people travel more and marry later, and close friends move away for work or university or whatever, but still want to celebrate significant occasions. Many woman are used to (and enjoy!) going on holiday with their friends, and a hen is just another excuse to do it - the bride getting married might be the 'impetus' for the holiday but everyone is basically just paying for their own holiday as they would if it wasn't for a hen, so nobody resents it. Lots of people ENJOY more elaborate hen parties including ones abroad, which is why they agree to go!

From threads on here it appears that the people who get most irate about expensive/elaborate hens are those who haven't ever been on any!

As long as people accept refusals graciously I don't see anything wrong with having the hen party the bride wants - if people are willing they will go, if it's too much and everyone refuses then the bride will have to reconsider.

If everyone only ever booked any event that the poorest person in the friendship group could afford nobody would ever go anywhere other than McDonalds! It's completely normal to not be able to afford/not want to prioritise every single social event over what could be decades of friendship - that's the advantage (or should be) of a friendship group, some people do some events, others do others, not everyone has to go to everything.

If your friend is a good one she will understand why you can't come, and while you might feel FOMO when you see photos of the others having fun, unfortunately that's just a part of adult life. If the friendship stands the test of time in 5-10 years you might have more time/disposable income and be the one who can go on the group holidays and parties, while other friends might still be at the baby stage. If the friend doesn't accept why you can't come then it's likely this is just the first issue of others that would crop up as your lives start to change.

Other people's events can be really expensive - I'd try really hard to go to their weddings but hen dos/bsby showers are not important if you don't have the finances to spare.

I think it's nicer to get a present for a baby once he/she has been born safely anyway. Assuming you are in the UK, baby showers are a new thing anyway and not the cultural norm. I'd caveat that by saying if you had one and your friends fully supported it, the. I'd think you owe it to them to reciprocate in kind.
My sil is American and she says that her friends all contributed to each others showers and it kind of worked out the same as if each of them had bought all their own stuff from a financial pov but this was a nicer way of doing it because there was less of a huge financial outlay all in one go, when the new parents had a baby and mum maybe not working.
But it is different in the UK so don't feel you have to shell out for spendy prams etc when you've your own family to pay for.

They are the ones that chose to put their special moments behind a paywall.

It absolutely does not stop, either. Weddings and babies in my contemporaries started at around 20. Housewarmings. Kids birthday parties. Hen parties and spa weekends. It’s still going on, I’m in my early 40s now and still being invited to first weddings and first baby parties for people my age and have been for the past 20 years. Only now we also have divorce parties, more housewarmings, second marriages, third marriages, coming out parties, the kids are turning 16, 18, 21, the parents are turning 40, 50.

I’m 41 and have friends my own age who are childfree, friends who are pregnant, friends TTC, friends with babies and toddlers, primary age, secondary age, adults, and some are grandparents. It will quite literally never stop.