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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help… Drowning in constant hen dos, weddings, party invites & birthdays

56 replies

Milkshakebanana · 12/11/2024 13:59

I am a 30 year old mum to a 1 year old DD. I’ve been back to work since August and I do Mon - Wednesday and every other Friday so I am on partime wage. DH works full time. Due to maternity leave (SMP) and unexpected bills for example having to purchase a new car and new boiler - money is tight.

I am at a time in my life where friends and family are getting married, wanting hen do’s, 30th birthdays and baby showers. Not to mention Christmas next month!

I just feel unreasonable and awful that I can’t attend or celebrate the events that I’m invited to. I have maybe 7 friends so not 100’s, but so far I’ve had to decline 2 hen dos for best friends due to costs and I’ve only managed to afford a £10 gift for another best friends baby shower.

I feel like as a close friend of people I’ve know 20 years plus I should be attending their special moments. I know I’m going to have major fomo next year when I see the hen do’s and parties I’m missing out on.

Am I unreasonable? Would you think bad of me if I was a close friend unable to spend money on your hen? I feel like I’m going to cry.

OP posts:

Maray1967 · 13/11/2024 09:22

OP, I’d stick to what you can afford. UK weddings only, no hen do weekends. Small gift - baby outfit from M&S or next for a baby gift. Stop feeling guilty!

BettyBardMacDonald · 13/11/2024 09:25

I am weary of people thinking up expensive ways to celebrate themselves.

Vissi · 13/11/2024 09:27

RedToothBrush · 13/11/2024 04:17

"I'm really sorry I won't be able to come to your hen do. My budgeting for my own hen do was to keep it to £80 a head because I'm conscious that it's expensive. I'd love to come to yours but I simply can't afford your budgeting especially when I have multiple invites, a young baby and I'm on maternity pay. I have to prioritise things and I'm having to say no to anything with a big budget regardless of how special and important that person is to me. I'm really sorry".

A good friend will understand and appreciate this as a response. Someone being an arse will throw a tantrum and demonstrate they aren't a good friend so you shouldn't feel guilty about not going as they weren't a good enough friend to spend a fortune on in the first place.

Show quote history

Omit the bit about your own hen do budget, which is both irrelevant and so self-righteous it’s likely to make the recipient irritated.

Jazzjazzyjulez · 13/11/2024 09:33

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 12/11/2024 15:18

You're doing well with your boundaries.
But please remember the friends who were generous with your milestone celebrations and don't be tight with them if you can avoid it and if you need to be low budget then show you hugely appreciate them in other ways

This.

I think it is ok to decline things but does seem a bit rude if you expected your friends to come to your wedding/baby shower/hen party etc.

Totally get not wanting to spend £400 but you said they spent £80 on yours so you obviously expected them to spend money on you in the past.

Guyforkz · 13/11/2024 10:09

another1bitestheduck · 12/11/2024 16:19

I've been through the constant hen party/baby shower stage (I'm in mid thirties so coming out the end of it now!) £10 on a baby shower is what I would expect to spend, £100 each for an expensive pram sounds mad! The only way I would feel a bit guilty is if they had spent that much on you when you had your first child.

With the hen, I disagree with the commonly expressed view on here (as per @Ponderingwindow) where hen parties are stuck in the 1970s and shouldn't consist of anything more elaborate than a night at the local pub. Things are different now, people travel more and marry later, and close friends move away for work or university or whatever, but still want to celebrate significant occasions. Many woman are used to (and enjoy!) going on holiday with their friends, and a hen is just another excuse to do it - the bride getting married might be the 'impetus' for the holiday but everyone is basically just paying for their own holiday as they would if it wasn't for a hen, so nobody resents it. Lots of people ENJOY more elaborate hen parties including ones abroad, which is why they agree to go!

From threads on here it appears that the people who get most irate about expensive/elaborate hens are those who haven't ever been on any!

As long as people accept refusals graciously I don't see anything wrong with having the hen party the bride wants - if people are willing they will go, if it's too much and everyone refuses then the bride will have to reconsider.

If everyone only ever booked any event that the poorest person in the friendship group could afford nobody would ever go anywhere other than McDonalds! It's completely normal to not be able to afford/not want to prioritise every single social event over what could be decades of friendship - that's the advantage (or should be) of a friendship group, some people do some events, others do others, not everyone has to go to everything.

If your friend is a good one she will understand why you can't come, and while you might feel FOMO when you see photos of the others having fun, unfortunately that's just a part of adult life. If the friendship stands the test of time in 5-10 years you might have more time/disposable income and be the one who can go on the group holidays and parties, while other friends might still be at the baby stage. If the friend doesn't accept why you can't come then it's likely this is just the first issue of others that would crop up as your lives start to change.

This is so true. It’s easy to spend over £100 in a crap local town as well, especially if you have food and pay for the bride. I’d much rather pay £400 and go abroad.
Your friend should graciously accept you can’t afford it but I can understand how they might be a bit peeved if they’ve attended all your events with presents but now you can’t go to theirs because you’ve bought a new car and chosen to work part time.

Bonbon21 · 13/11/2024 10:32

The whole hen dos, destination weddings, baby shower, opening fridge door celebrations are just ridiculous!!
Tell your friends you cant afford it.. there is no shame in that.
And if they are TRUE friends they will understand and accept that fact... or even better give their heads a wobble, calm down and arrange something more realistic and inclusive.

If they have objections... you then know thekr worth...

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