Help… Drowning in constant hen dos, weddings, party invites & birthdays

[Milkshakebanana]

I am a 30 year old mum to a 1 year old DD. I’ve been back to work since August and I do Mon - Wednesday and every other Friday so I am on partime wage. DH works full time. Due to maternity leave (SMP) and unexpected bills for example having to purchase a new car and new boiler - money is tight.

I am at a time in my life where friends and family are getting married, wanting hen do’s, 30th birthdays and baby showers. Not to mention Christmas next month!

I just feel unreasonable and awful that I can’t attend or celebrate the events that I’m invited to. I have maybe 7 friends so not 100’s, but so far I’ve had to decline 2 hen dos for best friends due to costs and I’ve only managed to afford a £10 gift for another best friends baby shower.

I feel like as a close friend of people I’ve know 20 years plus I should be attending their special moments. I know I’m going to have major fomo next year when I see the hen do’s and parties I’m missing out on.

Am I unreasonable? Would you think bad of me if I was a close friend unable to spend money on your hen? I feel like I’m going to cry.

From 30 to about 40, there were loads of hen do’s, weddings and births. Then it all calmed down until we hit our mid fifties and now there is a rash of divorces. Fortunately baby showers were just not a thing when I was in my thirties, they even have that gender reveal malarkey now.

Just be honest that you can’t afford it.

Work out what's most important and prioritise those. Dodge the hen dos which are disproportionately expensive. Also don't go to baby showers but do buy a small gift when the baby arrives and make a 1:1 visit.

If you think you'll have fomo, go to the 30ths if you can. Assuming they've an evening in a bar not a whole weekend away type thing, they'll be relatively less costly.

Or maybe if people really cared about friendship, they wouldn’t be planning expensive parties in the first place.

This! I made sure my hen budget was tightly managed, and that nobody was paying for a part they didn't attend.

And when I ran a friend's hen, I chose options so that cancellations wouldn't affect the price for others. I was even able to refund money to those who cancelled last minute at short notice. It's not that hard to do, but it usually means that compromises have to be made.

It's a shame that people don't do it more often.

Exactly this.

A onesie is a perfectly good baby gift. A picture frame is a perfectly acceptable wedding gift. A heartfelt card or letter is also perfectly fine. No one is obliged to attend costly events.

Decent people HOST; they don't create financial burdens for friends and family and coworkers.

It's bonkers how much you're being asked to pay. I'm in my 50s and a hen do was always just meal, drinks & dancing. So an evening out - not even a whole day!

Nobody had a baby shower that I know of. But people just gave a gift after the birth & usually something simple like a fluffy toy or a board book.

her friends all contributed to each others showers and it kind of worked out the same as if each of them had bought all their own stuff from a financial pov

apart from those in the friend group who never had kids, who would be down nearly a grand if following OP's example!

Yes, I agree.
My hen was a meal in a pizza restaurant and a few drinks afterwards, and my best friend's was a house party ...everyone brought a bottle, and we had great fun. Several of the women there were single parents and had very little spare cash. They would have been excluded had there not been a virtually free event.
I don't see how someone either not earning or on a very reduced salary could afford even one £70 meal out, let alone several.

Yeah and 30 years ago a man raping his wife wasn't illegal
Times change
As per the MN saying, It's an invite not a summons. As long as the bride doesn't expect people to attend, she's entitled to have the hen do she wants.

If she wants an expensive hen do and enough of her friends fancy it to make it worthwhile, it's ridiculous to say she shouldn't do it because someone might feel left out if they can't make it (for whatever reason, not just affordability). If friendship groups operated that way nobody would ever do anything. I'm sure OP would be even more upset if she wasn't invited at all!

Some of the friends might be single so that is their main holiday for the year - others just love travelling/partying - so rather than resenting it they will genuinely want to go on the hen and would be disappointed if it was downgraded for a night at their local, just the same thing they do on a random Thursday.

Nobody seems to bat an eyelid or judge couples having more frequent and more expensive holidays these days, nor families (going to Disneyland used to be a once in a lifetime experience that many couldn't afford, and is now almost a yearly rite of passage!), nor spending a fortune on Christmas for the kids (even ten years ago there were no winter light shows, Christmas eve boxes, decorated stately home visits, elf on the shelf, etc.) but when it's women spending their own money doing something fun together suddenly it's excessive.

If they are true friends then they won't mind at all. I am honestly surprised by the figures you mention: £345 and £400 for hen dos and £100 each for a pram. I don't participate in any of that. I earn well but honestly I look after the cash and save it. Perhaps if they were real friends those sorts of amounts wouldn't even be thought of!

I am more than twice your age and to some extent it was the same when I was 30. There was a year or two where we had to say no to weddings for cost reasons. In those days we didn't feel obliged to stay the night , travel abroad to weddings or hen dos , buy new outfits for each occasion etc either. A little something for the baby once born and something off the wedding list that was affordable was the expectation. I think it is really hard for your generation to manage these requests.

Yes, people all over the world have always celebrated big events and that's a wonderful thing. It's just gone way too far. Everything mortal thing has to be celebrated in an expensive, extravagant and over the top way. Nobody used to do anything much for their 30th birthday, the big milestones being 18 and usually 50. Now 30th birthdays have got to involve nothing less than a masked ball. Likewise baby showers. This is an American "thing". Nobody had ever heard of baby showers in the UK. The big celebration was a christening but, if you didn't have that, people would send cards and maybe buy the baby a gift after the birth. They didn't have to chip in £200 to hire a venue, pay for afternoon tea in a posh country house or buy a pram. They'll probably still be expected to attend the Christening as well. All of this is driven purely by social media and the race to post instagramable photos and splah it all over Facebook. I think it's all rather sad and loses any real meaning.

😂

An invitation should not be regarded as a command.

Thank you. My hen do cost about £80, I didn’t have a 30th celebration and no baby shower. I think my guilt is about people who came to my hen do, I’m having to decline theirs due to costs (everyone wants a £300-400 hen do these days!)

No one is forcing anyone to join in. You choose to go or not. So what if times change, isn't that what happens with everything? People can afford nicer houses, nicer cars, nicer meals out, nicer clothes. Isn't that all relevant? So what if some people have decided to celebrate big, go or don't go. Simple as.

Don't feel guilty, go to what you can afford and be a good and supportive friend in other ways.

It all stops around forty and you kind of miss it when it's gone.

You may not have the luxury of lots of time either but perhaps you could do something thoughtful rather than costly, like a photo and messages book that you can collect from all of the hens/baby shower attendees? That way you're not spending a fortune but the hen/pregnant friend knows you've gone to lots of care and effort?

Totally understand the FOMO too but you're in a certain phase of life right now. You'll soon come out the other side and be able to enjoy the next tranche of celebrations

YANBU - I was in a similar position to you, having DD1 just before I turned 30. I did manage to go to most things in the next few years but it was just local nights out or a reasonably priced overnight stay, not holidays costing hundreds of pounds.

Even having a professional job and even if I'd not just had a child I wouldn't have wanted to spend that much.

One of my good friends was heavily pregnant and couldn't make my hen do, so I went out for dinner with her instead.

If friendship groups operated that way nobody would ever do anything.

I'm very glad my close friendship group does operate that way (doing things which are affordable for all), and still does 30 years later. Probably why we are all still mates from schooldays to our fifties.

My hen do was wider than that immediate group and there was even more consideration about location and affordability as a result.

I don't. Enjoyed it in its time but definitely don't miss going to two or three weddings a year.

"I'm really sorry I won't be able to come to your hen do. My budgeting for my own hen do was to keep it to £80 a head because I'm conscious that it's expensive. I'd love to come to yours but I simply can't afford your budgeting especially when I have multiple invites, a young baby and I'm on maternity pay. I have to prioritise things and I'm having to say no to anything with a big budget regardless of how special and important that person is to me. I'm really sorry".

A good friend will understand and appreciate this as a response. Someone being an arse will throw a tantrum and demonstrate they aren't a good friend so you shouldn't feel guilty about not going as they weren't a good enough friend to spend a fortune on in the first place.

OP this is not the norm!

I've been to a lot of baby showers (sadly!) and the norm is a little gift here. The max I bave spent is a meal out, the minimum was one hosted at a house with snacks.

It is nice to celebrate events so if theres the option of attending a day of the hen do for example you could try? Or do something separate with your friend

I have been lucky I think as all the hen dos I have been to have been UK based and reasonably priced. Some I have heard of are crazy expensive!

My budgeting for my own hen do was to keep it to £80 a head because I'm conscious that it's expensive.

I think this is a bit passive aggressive tbh. No need to mention your own hen do, just that you can't make theirs.

If you are a group of mutual friends, do try and make sure your partner doesn't go on all the stag dos though! It ought to be done as fairly as possible - if he does 2, you do 2 or whatever.

£300+ is fairly pricey so I'm sure you won't be the only one not to make it.

That's utterly ridiculous. To me the pram is something that the parents themselves buy, or sometimes the grandparents if they want to contribute. Far too much for friends attending a baby shower to consider shelling out. Baby showers are ridiculous anyway. You are right to have just bought a nice outfit for the baby.

As far as the rest goes, don't feel guilty about declining invitations to hen does that will cost hundreds. I always think it is so unfair on those for whom money is tight these days. A nice, sensibly priced gift or voucher for the wedding is plenty.

Over the years when I was having my three babies and looking after small children I was actually relieved to have a ready made excuse to decline invitations I couldn't afford and didn't want to attend. The "no babysitter/childcare" one definitely had its uses, whether it was true at the time or not!

I didn't even have a hen do myself as they are my idea of hell anyway.

Don't feel guilty. Personally, I think this is a combination of you all being at rather different phases in your lives and also of others not understanding and thus expecting too much.

This is my view as well. This is madness! My hen do was a night out in our city. Simple as that.