Burnt out, is it always your own fault?

[JillyGoat]

I’ve reached total burnout from a project at work. It has made me physically unwell with stress and mentally I feel like an utter failure. It has built up gradually over the year, over which time I’ve been told on one hand by my employer that it’s entirely my own fault as my standards are too high, and on the other hand by our client that the standard of work is not good enough. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the middle trying to meet client expectations whilst feeling increasingly isolated and have resorted to working long and stressful hours to try to overcome feelings of self-doubt. We work remotely and I feel this is a huge part of the problem, no one can see who is struggling or who needs help and when. A lot of people are happy to clock in late, clocks off early and rarely work Fridays. No one really takes an interest in what is really going on with others.

I’ve tried to raise my worries earlier but am continuously met with the attitude of “it’ll be fine you’re overthinking it”, but this week have been pushed to the edge and have broken down from the worry of trying to complete the work. I don’t even know what I’m asking really, I feel so deeply ashamed that I’ve put so much into my work thinking it mattered and it turns out it means nothing to anyone. Please be kind, AIBU to leave?

Yanbu....sounds like a toxic workplace to me.

Thank you, I don’t think I’d describe it as toxic and it’s certainly not what they want it to be, but we do have people who lack people skills and are abrasive in how they talk to people and don’t realise it at all.. which doesn’t help. I accept that part of this is me, but I’m battling with being told that it’s entirely of my own making and feel like I’m a failure to have reached this point.

No it's not . It's hard to recognise the signs when you are in the middle of it and sometimes we have little choice but to ignore the signs due to pressure at work or unavoidable stresses at how such as family health.

I had a breakdown some things that helped me were-

Leaving my job
CBT
Learning to meditate
Hypnosis
Yoga

I think if you're considering leaving you have nothing to lose. I'd try and work at your pace and see if there is any improvement.

Thanks @autienotnaughty . Sorry you’ve been through this, did you find a new job? I feel like I’m throwing away a real opportunity that I’ve worked so long for (I don’t want to say what it is as it’s quite niche) and am worried I’d never find anything else, or that if I did then the same pattern might repeat.

I understand, I got a degree at 35 for this career (social worker) and by 39 I was wrung out. It was a combination of work and home circumstances.

I had the luxury of being able to not work while I recover (and continued to manage home stuff) I was a sahp for two years. Then i got a job in a library. I earn about 15k less a year but it's totally worth it.

has your employer and client been kept entirely apart throughout entire project?

When this happened to me I had to
get a new job and leave just to get some respite and thinking time. I can absolutely see my employers part in what happened, specifically my line manager and the culture of the organsiation. However for me it was important to acknowledge the behaviours and attitudes of mine that made a huge contribution. Perfectionism, people pleasing, seeking external validation, lack of boundaries. By working on these I feel stronger because the control now lies more within me.

I'm in a similar position (and actually been keeping me awake since 4 this morning)

I realise my work situation isn't healthy but I can't work out how to move on

Id love the luxury of being able to take a minimum wage job but realistically I can t do that.

Yes completely recognise those traits too!

This is a huge help thanks, how did things work out for you? Also, where do you think those traits came from? For me I think I’m fighting against being perceived as useless or stupid in some way. Which I now feel as a product of how I’ve worked not what I’ve produced.

Thank you for sharing this, it is useful to hear about your journey to recovery. I am happy that you are doing better now. Could I ask how you worked on the behaviours and personal attitudes to give yourself more control? Hope that makes sense.

YANBU. Your burnout is not convenient for your employer if you have been acting as a human shock absorber with an exacting client, but it is also not inconvenient. I bet your line manager occasionally tells you you are working too hard and then sits back, satisfied with a job well done.

It's an overused term but in the context there is something gaslighty about telling you everything is find while it hits you like this and no-one else knows.

I think you have to be relentlessly your own advocate. Keep tabling your achievement and the cost to you. Ask how you can document the risk of the client not being happy, or over-resourcing the project, ask when you can transfer or how you can use the expertise you have developed and leave on the same basis if you have to. At that point, they will appreciate you, but then it won't be your problem.

You’ve given it a good go but I would be looking for another job.

This is a huge help thank you, yes this is exactly what has been happening. I’m so pleased I asked here, didn’t know how to put it into words that don’t sound like I’m in denial of where I might have gone wrong. I’ve never felt this way before, it has totally broken me

And should I just leave, or should I wait to see if I can find another job (very niche and not many of them). I don’t need the money.

I has burn out a couple of years ago, the best thing i did was going to my GP, amongst other help, she insisted I would need a minimum of 3 months off - she was right.

I spent those months, getting some help (CBT, counselling) also doing some exercise classes including yoga, which really helped me.

I was very fortunate ti have an amazing manager who fully supported me going back to work on phased return.

But I know not everyone is that lucky. The time off will let you mend and decide what to do, if you're at burnout, this is not an ideal time to start a new job.

Be kind to yourself, treat and advise yourself as you would a good friend.

What struck me is you said you all work remotely and no one takes an interest in other people's work.

I know some people hate meetings for the sake of meetings but as a PM on some challenging projects I always schedule in weekly team check ins and 121s with project sponsor. For the weekly check ins, I send an agenda the day before, identifying what we need to discuss and ask if anyone has anything else to talk about.

This gives everyone working on the project a regular time to check in, raise issues or just have a chat (super important if you are all remote workers). Even if it is just 10 mins to say - everything is good and going to plan, that is valuable time spent in my view.

No wonder you are burnt out - you sound over worked and isolated.

Thanks @Ginmonkeyagain . We do have 121s once a week, but whenever I ask for help I’m told everything is fine and I shouldn’t worry, or that I’m a perfectionist… which I find v gaslighty as PP pointed out above. That then means in turn I’m less likely to ask as the conversation becomes why I’ve asked… rather than what I’ve asked. Then I end up trying to work my way around it and it’s a vicious cycle.

Hmm. This sounds like a shit manager problem.

If you are being paid well, I’d suggest spending some money on a really good business coach. You’re sounding quite isolated and someone to brainstorm the details with could help a lot.

@Ginmonkeyagain But it’s all apparently my own fault. As are the mistakes that other people have made that have contributed to where we are. I feel like I’ve just been labelled as an overachiever and that is used as the excuse for everything and everyone. And once you’re labelled like that there’s no going back really is there?

I think what I’m reeling from also is total lack of empathy from one person in particular. That’s what has made me realise there’s no hope and essentially I feel like I’ve fcked everything up. But as someone said above, I need to better advocate for myself. I’m a shadow of who I used to be, I never ever had this much self doubt before. I don’t know what has happened to me.

I’ve only ever worked in places where my strengths have been valued. I’ve never before been in a place where they are used against me. Maybe that’s what it’s coming down to.

you’re working flat out full time and you “don’t need the money” 😕

very odd for your employer to basically say you’re doing a crap job but also an over achiever

it’s a complete contradiction surely?!