Burnt out, is it always your own fault?

[JillyGoat]

I’ve reached total burnout from a project at work. It has made me physically unwell with stress and mentally I feel like an utter failure. It has built up gradually over the year, over which time I’ve been told on one hand by my employer that it’s entirely my own fault as my standards are too high, and on the other hand by our client that the standard of work is not good enough. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the middle trying to meet client expectations whilst feeling increasingly isolated and have resorted to working long and stressful hours to try to overcome feelings of self-doubt. We work remotely and I feel this is a huge part of the problem, no one can see who is struggling or who needs help and when. A lot of people are happy to clock in late, clocks off early and rarely work Fridays. No one really takes an interest in what is really going on with others.

I’ve tried to raise my worries earlier but am continuously met with the attitude of “it’ll be fine you’re overthinking it”, but this week have been pushed to the edge and have broken down from the worry of trying to complete the work. I don’t even know what I’m asking really, I feel so deeply ashamed that I’ve put so much into my work thinking it mattered and it turns out it means nothing to anyone. Please be kind, AIBU to leave?

Ha I relate to this so much. One job I've applied for is a mentor role...

And I've looked at some mental health roles too while thinking I need support!

@JillyGoat I would say these were lifelong traits caused by a mixture of growing up with an addicted parent, neurodiversity and just being me I guess. I don’t think normal boundaries and a strong sense of self were ever modelled to me so I had to fill in the gaps for myself. Everyone will have their own patterns and I’ve found counselling very helpful in teasing this out. I’ve had several bouts of counselling and still have the occasional session. The biggest difference is a strong sense of self which is really hard to describe but it’s something about being my own best friend and being untouchable and being in control.
People can only affect you if you let them. Other people’s opinion of me is not fact! That is very freeing. I’m not doing bad at all now. It’s still something I have to work on constantly like tending a garden. Do what is right for you. If you want to put down a boundary and say this isn’t working for me and look for a new job that is not running away or perhaps you might want to stay and work on those things within the role you have. Your choice. Good luck , no one deserves to feel like this and I hope you find a way through.

@Bananamanlovesyou - er Addicted parent (and associated trauma) check.... Neurodiversity - both kids are and I'm waiting for assessment ... check...

I know this isn't my thread but funny how the common theme is there. I feel like my relationship with my job currently is a bit like going back to a dysfunctional relationship. I decide to leave, then I get Scared Of New Things , then I think "it's not that bad really if I do xyz" and then something else happens. And just not being able to see my way out.

I have a job interview Monday but keep feeling like I can't do wiit whilst simultaneously cross I haven't achieved more in life given my brain and qualifications.

OP - if you really don't need to work .... cut down? I need the income so its a bit tricker.

@HydrangeaBush yes you are bang on in describing that relationship to your job as a dysfunctional relationship! That was a real light bulb moment for me. When you are suddenly looking to work to provide with validation, self esteem, purpose etc you suddenly realise that is not right and to be honest is a very unrealistic expectation of a place of work and your managers! I can still remember the wry smile my counsellor gave me when we were discussing codependency int he context of addiction and I said ‘ I think I’m in a co-dependant relationship with my job 😂

Oh gosh yes you've explained that even more than I had realised. I love feedback from my learners....

Wow this is fascinating thank you for sharing. How interesting, I also identify with a couple of the background issues and definitely with the codependent work relationship!! Right, I guess I should get on it then and start being a better role model for my kids …. If that’s not enough to incentivise me to stand up for myself and do better than nothing is.

I was really reticent to post anything on here, I’m glad I did

Thanks OP for starting this thread :)

I've had this a few times in my career. It typically comes from being stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand you are not suppose to work such long hours (they don't like paying you for them or it clashes with their policy of maximum hours) and on the other the work needs to be finished to a certain standard. Your coworkers managed to handle it, so why can't you?

Except...that was not exactly the truth. I asked my coworkers and they said they were working the same hours as I did, but wrote down the standard 40 we are all contracted for, so they basically worked for free just to get their supervisors off their backs. This alleviated the pressure a little, but they were all still hovering near a burn out and some did, same as me.

In a way, it was my fault. I tried to live up to impossible standards and conflicting requirements. I often let my frustration over this impossible situation get to me and endlessy tried to plead with my boss about how it wasn't workable and not sustainable. Yet, I kept fishing those chesnuts out of the fire and somehow got the work done, but at increasing expense to my own well-being and free time (though I never lied about my hours).

Why did I do it? I still don't know. I do, however, know that the situation was not off my own making and it would have been over a lot sooner if I had just let things burn and let the responsibility lie with my boss, where it belonged in the first place.

I ended up leaving and changed my attitude for my current employer. I started as I meant to go on. So no rabbits out of hats and I will not be putting out fires, as that is not my job. I do not get paid for that kind of responsibility. Sometimes I get a supervisor who will complain, but they only do it once, as I refuse to change. I also have moments where I fall back into my old habits (fundamental change takes time) but I have gotten a lot better at recognizing the feeling of frustration. Instead, I now focus on identifying the source of the frustration and dealing with it. I am also prepared to let things burn.

Ultimately, none of it will matter after I leave. I am not saving lives or preventing wars. Few people will remember me once I am gone and I find that I am actually good with that.