Burnt out, is it always your own fault?

[JillyGoat]

I’ve reached total burnout from a project at work. It has made me physically unwell with stress and mentally I feel like an utter failure. It has built up gradually over the year, over which time I’ve been told on one hand by my employer that it’s entirely my own fault as my standards are too high, and on the other hand by our client that the standard of work is not good enough. I feel like I’ve been stuck in the middle trying to meet client expectations whilst feeling increasingly isolated and have resorted to working long and stressful hours to try to overcome feelings of self-doubt. We work remotely and I feel this is a huge part of the problem, no one can see who is struggling or who needs help and when. A lot of people are happy to clock in late, clocks off early and rarely work Fridays. No one really takes an interest in what is really going on with others.

I’ve tried to raise my worries earlier but am continuously met with the attitude of “it’ll be fine you’re overthinking it”, but this week have been pushed to the edge and have broken down from the worry of trying to complete the work. I don’t even know what I’m asking really, I feel so deeply ashamed that I’ve put so much into my work thinking it mattered and it turns out it means nothing to anyone. Please be kind, AIBU to leave?

are you the project manager? No line manager?

I know.

We share PM and yes I have a line manager.

They’re saying that the work is too good and my standards are too high. The client is saying it’s not good enough.

Yes and no.

I've worked with people who refuse to stop working like mad, even though it is clearly making them ill. I've literally had to order them to go home and had a confrontation.

Generally the only thing that stops them is complete collapse.

There is a certain "type" of person more vunerable to this type of behaviour so you learn to spot them over time.

You have one life, why are giving it to your toxic employer, on a plate? Do you think that they will give a shit about you when you go on to have a full out breakdown? They won’t. You are replaceable to them, but your health isn’t.

“we share PM”… sorry not clear, what do you mean?

How big is the team working on this project?

@autienotnaughty

That's such a shame, we lose to many good SW this way!

I am lucky that my area of SW is more understanding. I have been nearing burnout recently due to work being busy (cuts etc) but also home life being rough so no break. My managers have been nothing short of excellent, checking in with me, encouraging me to take time off (including covering work for me to allow this).

I wish more SW had this experience.

OP if you are nearing burnout and don't need the money then maybe it is time to look around for other options. Or do as bosses suggested and lower standards and when the client isn't happy refer them to take it up with management but have it documented that they've told you basically to do less!

this gets odder and odder

so the client is saying (and presumably your employer is aware of how their client is feeling!) that the work is shit

But your employer is saying to their client basically - you are wrong! In fact the work is “too good”??

I’m not quite such an obvious way (because I don’t let it escalate to that point), yes. And btw I agree with the client.

Hi OP
I reached burn out earlier this year (end of august time) and it was honestly one of the worst times of my life. I wasn’t sleeping, I was vomiting frequently due to pure nerves. I was crying often while on my own. I was a complete bag of nerves. It was all work related.
i ended up going to the doc and getting propranolol which has been great. I also started counselling and working on why I catastrophise. In addition I’ve also cut my working hours and this has been wonderful.

you need help and only you can make that happen. Please Take time off work if you need it. You’ll never be thanked for working through torturous anxiety and burnout.

you can do it 😊

So very odd
the employer arguing with the client that the work is too good
so very odd

Thank you, I’m so sorry to hear this it sounds absolutely awful. How was your employer, did they understand how the situation had come about and have they been supportive? I’m not feeling much empathy from mine which is making the whole situation feel so much worse.

It doesn’t get to that point - they argue with me because I take on board the feedback and work with it (because I think it’s good feedback and I agree with it).

Please, I asked for people to be kind not to interrogate. It’s really helping to hear from people who have been in a similar position and how they moved forwards.

Honestly when I finally spoke up they were good.

i work in financial services and in a fast paced (break neck speed) environment. I made it clear that it was too much for me to constantly work like that. Everything always being urgent or an emergency.

I also wanted to address it by staying at my work but I did make it clear that I’d be signed off if I felt it was needed. The doctor said he’d have no problems writing me a sick line.

please do address it though OP because honestly work is never really that important in the grand scheme of things. Something I try to repeat/ask myself is “will I need to worry about this/will this affect my life a year down the line?” And the answer is usually no.

my advice

you need to have a meeting with both the client and the employer (who presumably the client engaged with and is paying!) all together.

and as for not letting it escalate…. it’s really not in your employer’s interests to piss off their client

describing a situation as “odd” (which it patently is) is not being unkind

Yes. If the client is unhappy with the work and your employer disagrees you need to arrange a meeting witth both sides, you seem burnt out as you are trying to please both parties.

It could be the client is right, it could also be they have unrealistic expectations for the contract or money they are paying.

Hello, slightly risky posting it on this username, but who cares.

This happened to me earlier this year and I was signed off sick by the doctors, but couldn't stop entirely as it was a tiny organisation. I wish I had left then.

Quite a few of the 'risk factors' were the same as you - a really unempathetic manager (who still makes no sense to me); gaslighting in the form of changes to contract and my role which I wasn't told about and was expected to work out; not being good at boundaries and to some extent people pleasing.

The advice about doctors and propanolol (sp?) is all good. But the single thing that helped me most was getting a mentor. (I was actually given one for free because someone I'd asked for help was so worried about me). To have someone who just laughed every time I told the next part of the saga was deeply liberating. But she also helped me set boundaries and supported me in leaving.

I'm now working for myself, and, amusingly, most of the freelancers I used to work with are now collaborating with me, not the place I left... Other people can smell toxic too.

Oh that’s really interesting @GrimbutGerbil thank you for sharing. That’s a great suggestion, how did you find a mentor in a small organisation or was it outside? I can see how that must have been a big help. I’m so glad you’ve come through it and feel stronger for it, I am also in the position where I’m not sure I want to go down the doctor route and to some extent am finding it hard to stop.

I’m amazed how many of us seem to be in a similar position, in just a morning there have already been so many replies with similar stories. I feel a bit less alone thank you all.

@JillyGoat I got a mentor via a training course which I was doing for people in my position in my particular kind of small organisations. So they completely understood the issues (which are not rare) and were already campaigning about mental health in the sector.

There are lots of good people out there, but try to find someone with experience of your particular area as that helped me feel really understood. My mentor also, in the end, was most useful in helping me to leave...

I’m so glad that was available to you, I’m pretty sure we don’t have much similar but the idea of having someone who can help you to make sense of some of the challenges and not doubt yourself is a great one. My first thought was “I could be a mentor” but NO Jilly, you NEED a mentor!

“Fighting against being perceived as useless” is “seeking external validation, is it not?

OP I know what you mean about feeling that. It’s brutal.

For me I think I’m fighting against being perceived as useless or stupid in some way

Your employer, who thinks you are doing too good a job, needs to communicate this to their client.