He won't come round whiles my kids are home (in bed).

[Seasontobe]

Been seeing eachother for a while. He has 2 older children and I have twins age 10. He has never met them because I don't know how long we will last as we have split up in the past but seem to get back together.

Anyway he has visited when the kids were younger. Kids were in bed sleeping. Now when I ask him to come over, he asks if the kids are here. I tell him yes but they are I bed. He then refuses to come???? However he will come when they are not here.
What is the problem if they are in bed sleeping?
They wouldn't even know.

How long is a while? Why did you split up in the past? It sounds like he doesn't want to be there in case your children wake and come down and see him there, or do you think he's using this as an excuse not to see you? You need to ask him why he used to come round when they're in bed and now doesn't want to?!

He doesn’t want a surprise meeting with your kids. While my kids usually slept through, I couldn’t 100% guarantee that they wouldn’t wake up.

If there’s a possibility that you might have sex when he came round then I can understand why he’s relax and enjoy it much more if the kids weren’t there. Maybe he has had the experience of being interrupted by his kids while shagging (not uncommon)

Good man. Doesn’t want to surprise the children if they wake up in the night.

It fizzled out due to his work and our other commitments but then got back together a few months later. I don't think it is because he doesn't want to see me, he definitely does. He only visited a couple of times when the kids have been home. I get the feeling he's not comfortable with it but they are my kids and I know their sleep routine.

He’s right OP.

What 10 year old wants to wake up in the middle of the night hearing a strange man’s voice in their house?!

He’s got good standards.

I chanced it a tad when my DS was young 4-5. But he was a great sleeper when little and it was only a couple of times.
By 10 yrs, tbh, no chance as the older he got the greater the possibility of waking up. Depends on length of relationship, long term stability and future plans. You don't sound stable, so he's probably right not to chance it tbf.

This.

Also, why isn't him not feeling comfortable with it a good enough reason for you?

I'd see that as a positive for everyone.

How long is a while?

Why can't you accept his very reasonable boundary over this?

Most people on mumsnet don’t agree with bringing the boyfriend home , definitely not in the short term . In this situation he is showing respect to your children and I think that’s a great thing .

I have known him for a long time. Even since before we got together. I do respect his boundaries but I don't understand his reasoning.

I’m with him, I’d not do it either, seems wrong

Because he just doesn't feel comfortable. He sounds like he's got his priorities well and truly right.

Well fortunately he has more sense and respect for your children. You can't guarantee anyone staying in bed. The idea my ten year old would hear something and think I was in trouble or meet a stranger in their home ? You seriously can't see the issue?

A boundary is a boundary. You don't have to understand the reasoning you just have to respect it. But you could ask him what his reasoning is and maybe he would tell you.

Have you asked him why? You can make guesses but only he can give you the true answer. Maybe he's hoping for a solid, long term relationship with you and feels meeting your DC this way would be inappropriate/doomed to failure. Maybe he just doesn't want to meet them. Maybe he doesn't want to have to deal with awkward conversations with half awake children when he's tired. It could be any number of reasons, but you won't know until you discuss it.

I would guess that if it’s night time and your kids are in bed then he is either going to have to get up and leave in the wee hours of the early morning or have breakfast with your kids and that’s what he is avoiding.

Yes he would have left before the kids woke up in the mornings but I know that is not a problem. He did say in the past that he doesn't want to have sex with the kids in the house which obviously we would be having sex. I know my kids, I know their sleep pattern and how likely they are to wake etc. Plus what would he do if we lived together and had children!? It makes no sense to me.

But.. you don’t? They’re not his children.

I think any decent man would do the same. You don’t seem to care?

Pick your battles OP. He’s very decent. Do you often try to push limits or start arguments/make him feel like he’s doing something wrong?

He doesn't see this relationship progressing to you living together and having children together.

Are you happy to have someone to spend time with in your child free time and only then ? If yes, then great this is the relationship for you, that would be my preference and I'd be perfectly happy with that arrangement. If no, then it isn't and it's time to end the relationship instead of hoping for it to become something it wont.

I'm with him and think he is being sensible you may well know their sleep routine but that doesn't stop DC waking up and being ill, or waking up because you are chatting etc.

It doesn't really matter if he used to do it or not. He now doesn't feel comfortable with it and that is fair enough.

I'm glad he seems to have boundaries that you are lacking. Children should be able to go to bed at night knowing that there won't be any strange men coming over at night to have sex with their mother, or even just to sleep in their house. I would have absolutely hated coming in to my mothers bed in the middle of the night because I felt sick or whatever and to find a strange man sleeping in there. It's their home too and you are responsible for their welfare.