He won't come round whiles my kids are home (in bed).

[Seasontobe]

Been seeing eachother for a while. He has 2 older children and I have twins age 10. He has never met them because I don't know how long we will last as we have split up in the past but seem to get back together.

Anyway he has visited when the kids were younger. Kids were in bed sleeping. Now when I ask him to come over, he asks if the kids are here. I tell him yes but they are I bed. He then refuses to come???? However he will come when they are not here.
What is the problem if they are in bed sleeping?
They wouldn't even know.

The children would never know, that is my point! My kids are very deep sleeper and should they wake up during the night (very unlikely) then I would go into them. They would not see nor hear my partner.

You" seem to get back together" - how often has this happened?

God he sounds sensible - you on the other hand….. why are not respecting his feelings? Why are you trying to push him to do something he is UNCOMFORTABLE doing? Imagine if the roles were swapped and you are a guy - you would absolutely get piled on.

He sounds like a really decent man. You can't possibly predict whether your sons will wake up in the night and hear strange noises.

You just can't.

He sounds like he's taking sensible precautions in order not to accidentally upset your children with an unplanned encounter. Which is the reasonable position for an adult to take. I'm surprised you're struggling with understanding this.

You don't know that, he is trying to do the rare thing of putting your kids first, being needy is not healthy

He sounds like a good one, don't lose him by being a red flag.

You've not introduced this man to your children, so therefore he is a complete stranger to them. When children are younger, it's much easier to say 'this is Mummy's friend', if they were to wake and see him. At 10 years old, they are much more aware, and are likely to ask far more questions. He may feel uncomfortable, being intimate with you, whilst they are there and older now. You may know your children's sleeping patterns, but it's not beyond the realms of possibility, that they may wake. They wake and hear a man's voice they don't recognise, it might worry them. I can see why your boyfriend doesn't want to visit whilst they are sleeping. If or when you introduce him to your children, and they get to know him, he probably would change his mind. However, you are clearly not at that point, if your relationship isn't stable and secure.

When me and my DH first started dating he suggested I come over when his son was asleep and I declined. I said it would be unfair if his child woke and tbh I had better things to do with my evenings than sneak around for a quick shag on the sofa.

he has good boundaries and an understanding of how vulnerable children can feel when a new person is in their life

you should learn from him

Apart from anything, if I was staying at someone's house the knowledge that there were a couple of ten-year-olds in another room would be the biggest passion-killer imaginable, so I imagine he'd rather wait for an occasion when he can actually have sex that's enjoyable, rather than worrying that he's going to look up mid-fuck and see a couple of kids standing in the doorway like the twins from The Shining.

Anyway - that aside, he's right. You're already on-off with this bloke and your kids aren't babies. They're ten years old. Regardless of whether you 'know their sleep patterns' you actually have no idea whether one of your kids might be unwell in the night and need to come into your bedroom. Just because they're deep sleepers, that doesn't mean they won't ever wake up with a tummy bug or a nightmare or something.

A ten-year-old will absolutely know exactly what's been going on if they come into their mum's room at night and find a man in bed with her. It's not like a toddler where they don't understand the significance of sharing a bed. And your relationship is barely even a relationship right now if you keep splitting and getting back together, certainly not a stable one, so you really shouldn't be risking your kids getting a surprise introduction to your on-off boyfriend.

The problem is that the children might wake up, OP. Even if they don't, you can't exactly have a free and relaxing evening with children in the house.

You don't need to understand his reasoning. Just respect his boundaries as you say you do.

I don't want to is a reason and it's a good enough one.

Yes absolutely agree

He sounds very sensible!

And I agree 10 yos will know exactly what is going on if they happen to walk in.

And 10 yos hardly go to bed early, how much “evening” is going to be left once they’re asleep.

Best keep your private life and the kids lives separate imo

How long have you been a couple, you seem to be avoiding the question?

Why does it matter what you would do if you lived together and shared kids?

You don’t live together and don’t have shared kids. So it’s pointless think about it.

You clearly don’t understand his reasoning. The whole ‘I know my kids sleep patterns’ doesn’t make sense. You may know your kids general sleep pattern but they can always deviate from that. Illness, noise waking them up etc.

Why are you so desperate to ignore his boundaries?

You seem reluctant to say how long you have been back together so I am going to guess, not long. And no, knowing him for years doesn’t count. Because knowing someone and actually knowing them as a boyfriend is 2 different things. People tend to get to know their partners far more than someone they are friendly terms with. But given, it’s not been long it’s not surprise he is being careful.

Also plenty of people do not fancy having to get up early and sneak out hoping their girlfriends kids don’t see or hear.

I would rather be at home in my own bed

Im with him on this.

This.

Surely it's al least 9pm before a 10yo is reliably sound asleep. Maybe more like 9:30/10pm. Then get back up again at 6am to leave? No thanks.

I know my kids routines very well but the unexpected bad dream or being unwell can happen. He doesn’t want to risk being there and then they wake up. That’s completely understandable!

Its different if you were living together and had kids as that would be his home.

It might change once you two decide where the relationship is going and once he’s met the children.

Also - you're going into teenage years soon. You need to set an example of healthy relationships, not let them find you sneaking around. If they see you sneaking a man in/out of the house that will have a bit impact on them now and how they respect your rules.

Urg. I know someone (extended family) who used to sneak a man in once her 15 year old daughter went to bed and they were caught "at it" one night in the living room. Daughter absolutely freaked out, not surprisingly. The mother has a history of selfish and badly judged behaviour, why she thought it was a good idea to "bring a strange man" into her daughters safe place, is beyond me. Mother and daughter still have a strained relationship, 5 years later.
OP, you say you know your kids sleeping habits, can you predict when one of them gets up because they've got a temperature and need attention only to be faced with a random strange man!

Unless they are drugged then no you can never ever be 100%> I am shocked that you are so blasé to bring a stranger into their home when asleep and vulnerable.