He won't come round whiles my kids are home (in bed).

[Seasontobe]

Been seeing eachother for a while. He has 2 older children and I have twins age 10. He has never met them because I don't know how long we will last as we have split up in the past but seem to get back together.

Anyway he has visited when the kids were younger. Kids were in bed sleeping. Now when I ask him to come over, he asks if the kids are here. I tell him yes but they are I bed. He then refuses to come???? However he will come when they are not here.
What is the problem if they are in bed sleeping?
They wouldn't even know.

Good for him. My mum always thought she was so subtle sneaking my stepdad in after I'd gone to bed but I knew. Then I'd hear the bedroom door close 🤮

My mum would have said the same thing. I definitely heard them.

Anyway, this guy does not want to meet your children. He does not want to live with your children. This relationship will not progress while your children are still at home. He needs to be honest about that if he hasn't been already. But I do approve of his boundaries. Too many men shack up with women with children and somehow think they can have a relationship that doesn't have to include those children. And too many women are happy to move men in with their children who will see them as nothing but inconveniences.

He's got good boundaries and doesn't want to put himself out the children into a very awkward situation of an unexpected encounter.... However unlikely it is, it's still a possibility.

He's got his head screwed on and that's a good thing.

Yes you feel the risk is so tiny as to be negligible, but it's still there and while you know your kids he doesn't... So he wouldn't be able to relax and forget about the fact that they are there fast asleep and unaware of his presence.

Green flag

What a decent and respectful man.

👏👏👏

You don't seem to appreciate that this man is behaving in a very decent manner and showing respect for your children's privacy and home life.

You can enjoy his company when your children are not there.

Yep. I think you’re the red flag here OP (spoken as a single parent who understands it can be lonely, but also as someone who grew up in a single parent home and HATED when DM brought dates back when I was a teenager).

I think it’s probable he doesn’t want to meet them and doesn’t want any commitment. Think you’re probably asking the wrong question

Thank you all. I think his main concern is that they will hear us. And although I know that is highly unlikely, I would hate for that to happen. Therefore I think he is right not to be 'sneaked' in when they are sleeping.