To not like a friends kid?

[Cheekydachshundlover]

I’d now say loose friends…. Long story on that one but we were very good friends,

but I don’t like her DC, she’s feral, runs around in restaurants/cafe, is chaotic with toys ( very heavy handed) doesn’t listen, there isn’t much discipline there… you get the picture.
My child tends to copy her when together and I find it so difficult to tell her off as I feel like I’m judging the other child. My child is just very different.

How do people deal with these situations?

They may end up going to the same primary school!!!!!

"Different parents have different rules" is what I used to say to mine when they wanted to know why they couldn't run around in restaurants, when other kids were allowed.

It's difficult and wearing but they get the message eventually.

If it looks like by telling your own DC off, you're judging others, there's nothing you can do about that.

If your friend isn't willing to encourage good behaviour then I guess I'd take over a bit. Saying no, play nicely. No, sit down and do colouring. If you run round you'll have to go home etc. would the kid take this direction from you?
It's a shame but otherwise just not meeting them in public unless it's the park might be the best option.
Can you speak honestly with her about how she's coping with him? Obviously in a non judgemental way. It might not be easy for her and there's stuff behind the scenes. So do try and be supportive.

This is tricky because I’ve offered support in the past which was declined and then unfortunately I was told later on that me and another friend didn’t support her when she needed it. I think she knows her DC ca be hard work. I’m just not sure I want to be around it anymore, when I’ve worked so hard on my DC to behave when out and even in people’s houses she behaves how I expect her to in her own home.

That's great for you (for now anyway, kids behaviour can change), but you'll always come across other kids who aren't as well behaved no matter where you are.

It's up to YOU to deal with this as and when you come across it.

But for now at least, I think it would be wise to spend less time with her child present as it's obviously stressful for you.

I agree thank you.

You choose who you spend time with

It's that's simple

If another kid has a negative effect in yours, don't see them

I’d suggest meeting outside only - playground, forests, parks. Less behavioural expectation for her child. Be careful not to be too smug about your own child - they can all be horrors at times.

If you are the excellent parent you think you are, then another child's behaviour should have no bearing on how your child behaves. If you don't like being around this child, don't be. But don't make it about your child.

There will be lots of children your child is around when you aren't there. If you want to stop her copying behaviour, then teach her not to. It isn't the responsibility of anyone else to make sure your child behaves how you want them to.

Oh my god my child isn’t a saint and I know she will change as she gets older, but I’m strict with her so she knows the boundaries. It’s so hard but thanks for your advice.

I would spend less time with this friend and her child. When she asks you why- tell her honestly. You don't want her child's behavior to be mimicked by your child.

Hang on a minute, excellent parent I think I am??????
you've clearly misread my post, I’m asking on how I go forward in a friendship I value but find the child hard. I also love the way my child adapts to who she’s around, I see her with other kids the same age who can’t walk or communicate as well and she’s kind and caring.

I’m not sure I can be that honest, I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I think I’ll just slowly distance myself and see how it pans out.

mm it sounds like you haven’t tried yet right to hold firm boundaries with your child when you’re out together with them as you don’t want to offend her / imply you’re judging?

isn’t it worth trying this first before distancing (and then I guess kind of losing the friendship anyway)

if the kids go to same primary school you may need to confront rather than run away

i don’t know if it’s quite the barrier you think it is to just continue with your own boundaries while hers differ…. I have a child who needs different limits to others. Sometimes I have her on a much stricter virtual ‘rein’ and other times I might be a bit more (what people perceive as ) slack as I know she can’t take it in or needs to run off steam. I honestly don’t notice or mind if other folks are doing something different and I’m probably the one with the wayward child in your scenario.

personally I’m much more worried about when kids are mean to mine consistently and doing harm to their confidence.

Her saying that you didn’t support her though sounds more complex - so I’m not sure if she’s difficult herself or it’s just about the kids.

Well let’s put it this way…. I heard the child saying to another child while my child was sat between the two…. We’re not your friend, we don’t like you. The kids are 3yr… I find that shocking behaviour coming from a 3yr old. Do you?

I wouldn’t like to see that either.

that’s quite extra to your original post - ‘feral’ made me think of wild/unsocialised rather than mean.

I’m not sure I’d find it shocking - def seen it a fair few times! I’d intervene on that even if my child wasn’t the victim - esp if their parents not present

Not gonna lie. When the kids didn’t get along or were clearly being held to different standards, the friendships often died a death. It’s painful and very hard. Happened just recently to me and I have teens. Doesn’t get any easier.

I just meet up with those friends without the kids. Many a pal has been introduced to bingo.

Curious as we're struggling with this at the moment, how do you teach them not to copy? We have tried explaining about copying, and that sometimes copying others behaviour can get you in trouble etc. and also keep boundaries as usual, but since DS started school, his behaviour can be awful at times and is exactly like his friends behaviour (who he also went to preschool with but only 2 days a week so the impact was limited). It's really stroppy defiant behaviour that I find hard to set boundaries around. Throwing a toy (for example) then the toy is removed, but what do I do for the awful stroppy behaviour.

I have this situation OP with one of my child's friends from school. His friend was actually quite unkind the time we met up outside of school so we haven't done it again.

I do have another friend though who has different expectations around her kids behaviour and having them over to my house is just wayyy to stressful so we only meet outdoors or at a play centre type place. I do give different boundaries to her but it hasn't seemed to matter. I like what a pp said about different parents have different rules.

Had a similar situation to yours

I am friends with someone who hads two kids the same age as mine

The eldest wasn't particularly nice to my daughter - left her out, snippy comments, etc

Even the parent had to tell her several times : 'be nice!! Be nice!!!''

So we just stopped seeing them

Sounds like you don't like your friends lack of discipline rather than the actual child

If they’re not even in primary school yet then they’re very young!

At 3 they are small and they need close supervision, especially if the children are wild.
My middle child was.
I very closely monitored him, it wasn't fun.
I reminded him before we went anywhere what I expected of him.
I removed him from any situation that was getting heated and we had time out on my lap.
I didn't care who where how it was was with other people, I was consistent.

Eventually the penny dropped that we would leave if he wasn't behaving.
He got it thank goodness.
It then was good for about a year but at 5 we had another spell of it and I sat on him for a month after he was being a bit hyper again and he is now a 20 year old university angel.
He broke my heart with the mad running about, getting lost for a few minutes a couple of times etc.
It was stressful, he just had loads of energy.
He was never unkind.
He was always well mannered and behaved in school and sports helped work the energy out.

Nice friends are absolutely essential to police when you have high energy children.

I would see your friend less and not encourage the friendship if they will be in the same class.
Boys tend to stick together if they know each other and get on.
I would be putting space between them now while you can.

Oh this is true as well.

It’s tricky isn’t it because I know someone’s feral is different to mine, but I see not listening, running off, stealing, jumping on furniture, being sneaky and mean as feral.