To not like a friends kid?

[Cheekydachshundlover]

I’d now say loose friends…. Long story on that one but we were very good friends,

but I don’t like her DC, she’s feral, runs around in restaurants/cafe, is chaotic with toys ( very heavy handed) doesn’t listen, there isn’t much discipline there… you get the picture.
My child tends to copy her when together and I find it so difficult to tell her off as I feel like I’m judging the other child. My child is just very different.

How do people deal with these situations?

They may end up going to the same primary school!!!!!

I had a friend who had an obnoxious DS, he became an obnoxious adult. The friendship faltered, I would say it was far more my fault. But overall it was a relief, being around a difficult child as a child is developing you give them the benefit. He was racist towards me once, we had a discussion. She did tell him off but she had such a weak personality and he was such an awful bully.

I think 3yo is too young for these kind of judgements.

Stick to outdoor trips for now, maybe.

We’re in a very similar situation but it’s my BIL’s youngest. He’s loud, obnoxious, violent towards our toddler when an adult isn’t looking, hits and kicks his sibling and mum, spits if you try and tell him off and tries to manipulate situations. My BIL and his wife parent very differently to us (we can’t strict but would remove our toddler from a situation if he did that and explain what’s wrong/take a minute away) and are more ‘gentle parenting’ approach but it doesn’t work.

I really struggle to be around them and we have minimal play dates as I find it so difficult to put my toddler in that situation. The final straw for me was him purposely trapping my son’s fingers in a cupboard as he went to take a toy (my toddler is 2, his cousin is 4).

My husband has tried to raise it with his brother and they implement behaviour charts etc, but nothing really changes. I just think someone people are either oblivious to how their children behave, or just embarrassed so they don’t deal with it correctly.

The only advice I have is minimal play dates, which is hard, but maybe try and go for adult dinners instead.

Imprinting is a process by which certain childhood or adolescent experiences impact an individual so greatly, that these memories bear a governing influence over their adult identity and behaviour.

dont quote me of it but I think this is between 0-5yr olds.
so yeah 3 is young but it’s also very important to hold boundaries.

im just asking what to do, walk away from the friendship or arrange play dates knowing that ill prob end up getting frustrated.

Oh wow…. Racist as a child? That’s terrible.

My child was feral at age 3. I had an awful time with him and I even fell into a depression because of it. He wasn’t nasty with other kids though, he was quite sweet and good at sharing (his focus would often shift to another toy etc). But it was the climbing/jumping, impulsive and destructive behaviour that I struggled with. I never met up with a friend unless it was outside at a park or in a play centre. I would never have trusted him in someone else’s home really- I’d have to watch him like a hawk the entire time to prevent him from breaking things or making a mess.
Restaurants were out of the question. I did take him once for a large family gathering, I ended up not eating a bite of my food because his behaviour was so bad. In the end we all left the moment he picked up a table number cube and violently threw it at another (luckily empty) table. I cried my eyes out as I felt so hopeless. He didn’t have the attention span to listen to anything I tried saying to him to correct him behaviour, the only thing that worked was to remove him.

Basically, what I’m saying is that parents need to recognise that they have a challenging child and work around it/try to find things that work to correct the behaviour. They can’t sit idly and pretend things are ok or ignore it as it will get worse. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who didn’t address this behaviour, although I would sympathise deeply if they were trying as I’ve been there myself.

FYI he’s now nearly 6 and he’s being assessed for ADHD, but his behaviour is so much better and I’m glad we got through that awful phase and we can do a lot more with him now. Your friend needs to have a look at what’s going on with her child and make changes. It’s not up to you to put up with it.

Following this thread because I have a very similar situation.

It was fine when they were 18 months old, but now they’re nearly four and my friends childs behaviour is really bad and she doesn’t seem to care. I had some advice to meet them on the morning outside and play in a park with a takeaway coffee.

@TheOnlyHonestOne I think it’s disrespectful for your friend not to care. As I’ve mentioned in my post above, the onus is on the parent with the difficult child to make arrangements that are better suited to their behaviour. Meeting outside is always easier- but your friend should be taking charge of this!

I know my friend struggles and I’ve offered help numerous times, but it’s got to the point now that shes just given up, lets her child run around. I completely understand people have different children and I would always offer to help in anyway but I feel like I don’t want her in my house, I don’t want my child copying the behaviour although I do tell her that’s not how we behave and my child does listen. It’s just awkward now. I think the friendship will fizzle out. I think I’ve come to terms with that happening now.

I don’t like one of my DH’s DN’s for the same reason. I just minimise time spent with him. I do feel forced to include him in parties because my DNs will be there (they are lovely) but in that situation I usually just put one of my siblings in charge of following him around and sorting out any bad behaviour as it happens - which sil is useless at doing

Change the venue and type of socialising to suit the kids.

If this is an active, busy kid, meet them at a place where they CAN be active and busy. An outdoor play area. A woodland walk. Those kind of places, where they can all race around and get tired. Then have a picnic snack and drink, say goodbye and head home.

Some kids just aren't "sit quietly and draw whilst the adults talk" kids.

@Cheekydachshundlover

Try outdoor meet ups.

But a word of caution. Don't be surprised if even here you find yourself struggling because now you find yourself in a position of disadvantage.
You probably won't feel the second hand embarrassment you felt in inclosed public spaces, but if your child is naturally someone who follows adult instruction, and you are risk adverse yourself, then you could very well start feeling anxious around safety. You won't feel at ease with the child who scrambles up the slide, or runs brandishing a pointed stick that could easily "have your eye out"!

Risk takers and parents who let the kids get on with things are top of the food chain outdoors. This is slightly watered down in a park where rule abiders try to exert some control or even in a soft play centre but really the same rules apply.

Not entirely sure I understand your concept here, what’s risks got to do with me not really liking a child behaviour.

children need risks to learn, it’s how they adapt into well rounded & self aware adults and how they learn to deal with situations going forward.

I have a similar issue so would also love some advice. I would NEVER tell her child off or advise her on parenting tho.

Yeah I appreciate this.

It's not rocket science... you were friends before having kids, just see them alone with no kids.

Although to be honest, you should do her a favor and end the friendship. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who goes on MN to bitch about my kid being feral because they run around a restaurant???

Perhaps your DD will embarrass you with her behaviour in the future. Maybe she's going to be a bit or an unruly teen and your friends daughter will be an angel - how would you feel then if your mate dropped your friendship because your DD was acting out? You'd probably feel quite disappointed.

No we weren’t friends before kids, I over to a new area and had to make new friends with a new born.

Are you ok today? Just seem a bit uptight and angry.

All I'd say is they change so quickly. DS has a few friends I really don't like right now, for many of the same reasons you've listed. But, I'm constantly reminding myself that they're 5, and therefore the way they are now is unlikely to be reflective of them at 10, 15, 30 etc. Where we live we're likely to be in their circle right up until the end of secondary. Maybe they'll grow apart before the end of secondary, maybe they won't, but unless one of us moves it's likely we'll still see them either way.

So, right now we're distancing a bit (not doing playdates etc) as I don't want certain behaviours in my home, but they hang out at school and have each other on their birthday party invite list etc. Don't want to be trying to drive a wedge between them because in time (could be 6 weeks, months, years etc) everything could be different! Maybe it might even be my DS's turn to be the less desirable friend. Who knows! Perhaps the high octane years will be something we look back on and perhaps laugh about.

At least that's what I tell myself when I find myself cursing under my breath at another story about 'x' being a cruddy influence in the classroom.

I'd be careful how you talk about how wonderfully behaved your child is in public etc - she might turn out to be the worst behaved child at her school.
I speak from the experience of my own DS - brilliant with me - horrendous when I'm out of sight because he feels like he suddenly has freedom.

I kind of agree with you but I thought the children were school age. Three years old is very young to be called feral. In my family two were really well behaved one less so ( although luckily more at home than when out). I believe some children will be lively regardless of the skills of the parent.
I have a friend who had one exceptionally well behaved and three completely wild ones. We would never have met up in restaurants (I would with other friends) in the park or days out to the beach. I looked after my children and she did the same with hers. We had different boundaries but this did not affect our friendship or the childrens ( although sometimes I thought I would die of embarrassment).
often one would ask to come out with me, I would say yes as long as if I ask you not to do something you stop and they generally would.
I am so glad we made the effort, all children are grown and get along. My friend has been there for me through thick and thin and hopefully she feels the same.
I know you do not mean to be smug and that you are asking for advice. Mine would be, if you like the mum do outdoor activities.
I had a strict upbringing and was always well behaved yet friends who were allowed to run wild, swear and be cheeky have grown into lovely well balanced adults.
Could you two have a coffee sometime and someone else mind the children? This could be a mum who looks laid back (she might be) but could be at her wits end?
Good luck to you both

Can you not just see the friend a bit less, if you think her child is having a negative influence on yours?

Of course if they go to the same school there's not much you can do - although you can still distance from the friend if you want to.

These situations will happen in life though... your child will meet people at school/ out in the world and you will have no control over it... it is just part of life really.

In a way you have to accept it and hope that your kid makes good decisions about who they want to be friends with.

I agree with seeing this friend less and then gradually phasing out. If you do meet, outside seems best. I personally wouldn't bring the subject up- it's very difficult thing to say without hurting someone's feelings, no matter how well phrased or intentioned. I don't think any good would come of it. Three is a difficult age, my son way worse at three than any other age! They might call down as they get older but for now I would just concentrate on developing other existing friendships.

Just wonder if there's something else going on for the child. They could be Neurodivergent. Behaviour is communication. The rambunctious behaviour is trying to say something.