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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He didn't know it was my birthday

65 replies

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 16:08

This is going to be long so i apologise in advance!
An old friend got in contact with me in November 2021, asked me to meet up for a coffee so i did, enjoyed his company etc. We went on a few dates or so we thought but it never developed into anything so we both eventually stopped speaking, no hard feelings. fast forward November 2022 same thing happens he asks me to meet for a coffee, I was single, he was single. we met up a few times and would kiss goodbye. That's it. That was the extent of the relationship. Texts every now and then the odd meal. I didn't know where i stood with him if he saw me as just a friend even after we chatted and he said he wanted more. Anyway September 2023 i met someone else and entered into a relationship with him. This old friend kept messaging me and saying "he was ready to give me everything" he had bought me xmas presents which i thought was odd as we hadn't spoken for months. he was unaware that i was in a relationship anyway he wanted to be with me. (The attraction with him is he has a really good co parenting relationship with his children's mum, he is very active with his children's lives, he works doesn't drink or take drugs and i found them to be good qualities.) At the time my then boyfriend had been caught out messaging someone else on social media a number of women and i ended the relationship. The old friend and I hadn't spoken for a while he was on dating sites because he matched with a friend of mine and she showed me. He messaged me again asked me to meet up and we did we had a talk again..... basically he said he feels like i can get anyone i want and that he isnt anyone special and that I would just leave him in the end anyway like his ex wife did that I am too good for him! This really annoyed me i told him i like his qualities i find him physically attractive etc but he wanted the relationship to go further so i invited him to my house. We slept together it was terrible over in a minute. The next day he asked me to meet up with him for a walk and when i got there we walked round the park like mates no hand holding, no kiss nothing/1 it felt weird. So i told him if you just see me as a friend then tell me. Weeks went by he kept saying he liked me etc then again it fizzled out. Again he pops back up. asks me to meet him i did he took me for food and i slept with him again (in the car) his mum has moved in with him and he has his children every other weekend i cant go to his and my house is not always free if i need a babysitter then she will look after my child at ,my house. Or my child goes to her dads one weekend a month. On our weekend off which means neither of us have children he doesn't ask to meet up. just in the week after work. we go for food and then he wants to have sex in the car! anyway that happened twice and i thought this has been going on since November 2021 and i still do not know where i stand with this man I'm not doing it anymore. So last time we met up was two weeks ago, i told him its my birthday soon, hoping he would say lets do something. He went quiet he didnt ask me when it was or what day it fell on, so i didnt tell him. although i have told him in the past when it was and just to be clear i know when his three childrens birthdays are his birthday and he even told me when his ex wifes birthday is because he got her a gift off the children. So he asked to meet up on Thursday eve and i didn't want to because i knew what he would want so i made an excuse and didnt go my birthday was Saturday. On my actual birthday he sent me a good morning message and asked me what i was up to etc so i said its my birthday today! he just said happy birthday. then later tried to call me but i was with family so didnt answer. AIBU to be annoyed about this. I cant speak to him i havent said anything. He will send a message and if i dont reply he wont message again for weeks and I have had enough of it. Someone please give me some clarity on this. What would you feel/do?

OP posts:
MrsSchrute · 11/11/2024 18:05

I actually don't feel embarrassed, because I am not a balding, almost 40 year old man with low self esteem! He is!!!

What is embarrassing about any of those things?

I'm over 40, should I be embarrassed about that?

freedohm · 11/11/2024 18:09

GoodyBag · Today 17:07

I actually don't feel embarrassed, because I am not a balding, almost 40 year old man with low self esteem! He is!!!

Yes, but you’re the one shagging him in a car.

This. Look yourself in the mirror OP.

EmotionalSupportBiscuit · 11/11/2024 18:10

Car sex / crap sex two or three times in three years isn’t a relationship.

I would say that I agree with PP that he is stringing you along, but it’s hardly even that as the contact is so sporadic. The string is a mile long!

Chuck this one back OP, he doesn’t even sound like a good friend never mind anything else.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 11/11/2024 18:15

You appear to have a very low bar when it comes to men if you described this one as having good qualities.
Makes one wonder just what type of man you previously dated / had relationships with.

You can do better. Believe me.

Zucker · 11/11/2024 18:20

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 17:30

i thought he was safe! My ex husband was not a safe man! This is probably why i replied to his messages every time he popped back up. I knew of him and his family.

I do not have low self esteem. He said we would take it slow and it has fizzled out over the three years.

He told me this time around that he is worried because i can "get anyone i want" he notices men looking when we are out! and I will leave him like his ex wife did.

I felt he needed a lot of reassurance. We have spoken many times about his insecurities according to him his ex wife cheated on him and he was scared of getting hurt again.

He just kept telling me his guard is up. I kept telling him it will never go anywhere with us because we do not do what normal couples do to develop the relationship. Now i feel like he used me. I did tell him at times i felt like he was treating me like a back up plan and he would tell me i wasn't a back up plan.

for him not even taking note of my birthday was enough for me to realise he doesn't even seem to know the slightest detail about me, even after i have told him these details and know these details about him.

He told me this time around that he is worried because i can "get anyone i want" he notices men looking when we are out! and I will leave him like his ex wife did.
I felt he needed a lot of reassurance. We have spoken many times about his insecurities according to him his ex wife cheated on him and he was scared of getting hurt again.

This bit IS the manipulation. You will do your best to convince him this isn't true = having pity sex with him.

Oblomov24 · 11/11/2024 18:21

WTF? Do you seriously need to ask? The fact that you are not emotionally astute is obvious, because this is glaringly obvious.
You say you have good self esteem, but you clearly don't.

Oblomov24 · 11/11/2024 18:22

I've reported this thread. Are you a PBP? I can't believe this is real.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 11/11/2024 18:25

He sounds a pretty half-hearted sort of lover. He seems to have some good qualities but being clear about what he intends in a relationship and treating you with appreciation and respect doesn't seem to be amongst them. Food followed by sex in a car? Nah, not after the age of 20.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/11/2024 18:26

Itoldyousoo · 11/11/2024 17:02

Just stop seeing him! It's not a proper relationship. Surely you know you deserve better?

Agreed with the above. Its not a proper relationship.

Add up how many times you've actually seen him in person over three years.

How does he spend the rest of his time. This really does indicate that he's in another relationship. All this stuff he says about not being sure you want to be with him - sounds like an absolute story designed to reel you in.

He sounds like a complete user. If he wanted to be with you he would.

It doesn't sound like you even fancy him. Don't settle for this.

Theuniversalshere1 · 11/11/2024 18:31

Have you read, or watched "he's just not that into you?" Should be every woman's Bible, whether straight bi or gay. If someone is into you... they show you with actions. Ni this man is not the exception either unfortunately.

If someone loves you, they show you. This man isn't showing he is n love with you and it has Been years.

Coconutter24 · 11/11/2024 18:44

AIBU to be annoyed about this.

Yes if this question is just about your birthday.

I actually don't feel embarrassed, because I am not a balding, almost 40 year old man with low self esteem! He is!!!

Well you should be embarrassed by that sentence! He’s balding (nothing wrong with that)… yet you still have sex with him, he’s almost 40 (nothing wrong with that)… yet you still have sex with him, he’s got low self esteem (he needs to work on that for his sake)…. Yet you still have sex with him. That sentence you wrote about him is a massive put down…. Yet you still have sex with him!!

It’s been years and it’s not going anywhere. He might have some good qualities but it’s been a few years of the same game, is it really worth it? Just ignore him and move on and that’s not because he didn’t know when your birthday was

Changingplace · 11/11/2024 21:43

GiveMeAbitOfSugar · 11/11/2024 16:38

Do why did you bother post?

Just to be nasty? I do not understand people like you

Because I would like to be able to comment, but I literally find it impossible to digest a wall of text, the OP would get more replies that could be useful if the post was written in a more accessible way.

Its not nasty, it’s just factual, many people find it hard to digest text written like this.

TwinklyAmberOrca · 11/11/2024 21:50

@Witchesdontage this relationship isn't going anywhere. He is a friend. That's all.

Just end it.

GiveMeAbitOfSugar · 11/11/2024 22:01

Changingplace · 11/11/2024 21:43

Because I would like to be able to comment, but I literally find it impossible to digest a wall of text, the OP would get more replies that could be useful if the post was written in a more accessible way.

Its not nasty, it’s just factual, many people find it hard to digest text written like this.

You have missed out the full stop and capital letter in your post.
So sorry, i can not understand
Please move on

ClementineChurchill · 11/11/2024 22:13
  1. agree wrt paragraphs

  2. Sex. In. His. Car. Wtf?! Is this a thing people do? Without being sex workers? Seriously. Move on. He does not respect you in any way.

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