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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He didn't know it was my birthday

65 replies

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 16:08

This is going to be long so i apologise in advance!
An old friend got in contact with me in November 2021, asked me to meet up for a coffee so i did, enjoyed his company etc. We went on a few dates or so we thought but it never developed into anything so we both eventually stopped speaking, no hard feelings. fast forward November 2022 same thing happens he asks me to meet for a coffee, I was single, he was single. we met up a few times and would kiss goodbye. That's it. That was the extent of the relationship. Texts every now and then the odd meal. I didn't know where i stood with him if he saw me as just a friend even after we chatted and he said he wanted more. Anyway September 2023 i met someone else and entered into a relationship with him. This old friend kept messaging me and saying "he was ready to give me everything" he had bought me xmas presents which i thought was odd as we hadn't spoken for months. he was unaware that i was in a relationship anyway he wanted to be with me. (The attraction with him is he has a really good co parenting relationship with his children's mum, he is very active with his children's lives, he works doesn't drink or take drugs and i found them to be good qualities.) At the time my then boyfriend had been caught out messaging someone else on social media a number of women and i ended the relationship. The old friend and I hadn't spoken for a while he was on dating sites because he matched with a friend of mine and she showed me. He messaged me again asked me to meet up and we did we had a talk again..... basically he said he feels like i can get anyone i want and that he isnt anyone special and that I would just leave him in the end anyway like his ex wife did that I am too good for him! This really annoyed me i told him i like his qualities i find him physically attractive etc but he wanted the relationship to go further so i invited him to my house. We slept together it was terrible over in a minute. The next day he asked me to meet up with him for a walk and when i got there we walked round the park like mates no hand holding, no kiss nothing/1 it felt weird. So i told him if you just see me as a friend then tell me. Weeks went by he kept saying he liked me etc then again it fizzled out. Again he pops back up. asks me to meet him i did he took me for food and i slept with him again (in the car) his mum has moved in with him and he has his children every other weekend i cant go to his and my house is not always free if i need a babysitter then she will look after my child at ,my house. Or my child goes to her dads one weekend a month. On our weekend off which means neither of us have children he doesn't ask to meet up. just in the week after work. we go for food and then he wants to have sex in the car! anyway that happened twice and i thought this has been going on since November 2021 and i still do not know where i stand with this man I'm not doing it anymore. So last time we met up was two weeks ago, i told him its my birthday soon, hoping he would say lets do something. He went quiet he didnt ask me when it was or what day it fell on, so i didnt tell him. although i have told him in the past when it was and just to be clear i know when his three childrens birthdays are his birthday and he even told me when his ex wifes birthday is because he got her a gift off the children. So he asked to meet up on Thursday eve and i didn't want to because i knew what he would want so i made an excuse and didnt go my birthday was Saturday. On my actual birthday he sent me a good morning message and asked me what i was up to etc so i said its my birthday today! he just said happy birthday. then later tried to call me but i was with family so didnt answer. AIBU to be annoyed about this. I cant speak to him i havent said anything. He will send a message and if i dont reply he wont message again for weeks and I have had enough of it. Someone please give me some clarity on this. What would you feel/do?

OP posts:
Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 17:04

He says he is single. I have known him a long time as in 30 years we grew up on the same estate, his family know my family, which i guess made me assume he would be different.

OP posts:
Firawla · 11/11/2024 17:07

I don’t see the appeal in this guy. His behaviour is not great and now you’ve told us he is not attractive either (balding etc) so cut and run - what is the point???

The positives you gave can also be negatives he seems like he may be still hung up on his ex.

i would let it go and find someone better

GoodyBag · 11/11/2024 17:07

I actually don't feel embarrassed, because I am not a balding, almost 40 year old man with low self esteem! He is!!!

Yes, but you’re the one shagging him in a car.

He may be balding and have low self-esteem, but he’s able to get sex with very little effort on his part.

Insulting him by calling out his bad points only highlights your desperation.

It really sounds like you need to be single for a while and work on why you think that giving your man any of your time is a good move.

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 17:09

I am not on a "dither" about anyone. Your first comment was completely irrelevant. You did not have to comment, You could have been the bigger person.

I stand by my comment! It wasn't a cheap shot it was facts! he does have low self esteem and by the way he has been he would prefer it if i had low self esteem too so i "wouldn't leave him like his ex wife did"

I never called him a loser!

OP posts:
BobbyBiscuits · 11/11/2024 17:09

He sounds like a weird desperate beg. Playing with your emotions. If he liked you before and you were dating why didn't things move forward then? I'm guessing all the other times he was actually seeing someone or more than one other person.
Tell him you're not interested in a relationship and if it was meant to have happened it would have. You don't need favours or childcare off him.
Just cut him loose and focus on yourself. Being single for a while probably will be good to give to some headspace.

rocketgal · 11/11/2024 17:13

I would suggest that maybe you do have low self esteem if you think that this situation is ok

Motomum23 · 11/11/2024 17:13

I'd say he's probably still married. Sorry but unless you've been to his house - met his ex wife and kids or know mutual people who confirm their relationship is over it totally reads that you are his mistress and he likes a quick shag now a d again

Dotto · 11/11/2024 17:13

What has balding and 40 got to do with anything? Do you think those are negative things? Let's hope you are lucky enough to live to 40 and don't lose your hair..

It is normal to not be a drug addict and see your kids. It's no super power, so don't let that influence anything.

jannier · 11/11/2024 17:14

He's using you when there's no better offer give up and move on.

Liv999 · 11/11/2024 17:17

Block and move on, this is going nowhere you deserve better

talkingheadz · 11/11/2024 17:18

He just sounds a bit shit really OP. I can't work out where the joy or fun is in this 'relationship' so on that basis I'd say don't bother with him anymore.

Itiswhysofew · 11/11/2024 17:19

He can't even stretch to a hotel. A grubby car will do you. That's just not on.

Doesn't seem like he's ready to commit to a full relationship. He's been at this since 2021.

Do you still have a boyfriend? If so, stick with him.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 11/11/2024 17:23

Reminds me of when I first met DH, loved a car shag-but I was 19.
Anyways, don't actually understand why it's the birthday you are focusing on as this seems inconsequential tbh, it's going nowhere and you've let it drag on far too long. Block and move on.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 11/11/2024 17:23

So I’m going to jump in and say it’s time to say goodbye to this man. The way he keeps popping up and appearing, he’s just using you for attention and validation.
Yes, I know the sex in the car thing wasn’t ideal but nothing too awful has happened in that he hasn’t moved into your house, stolen from you or been abusive.
But he has been absolutely underwhelming and let’s face it the sex has probably been awful.
Just because you have grown up with someone doesn’t mean they will suit you, and he’s all over the place.
Don’t even entertain a friendship here and if he starts looking for sympathy don’t offer any.
Now learn from this experience about what you really want and need in a relationship. And choose that every time. You deserve it!

Kool4katz · 11/11/2024 17:26

Growing up in the same estate is no guarantee of lasting happiness! Surely you must realise by now that you’re just his fuck buddy and he most definitely isn’t The One?

The attraction with him is he has a really good co parenting relationship with his children's mum, he is very active with his children's lives, he works doesn't drink or take drugs and i found them to be good qualities

Presumably at least 70% of the male population fit those parameters but you could be weighing up which washing powder to buy from that shopping list of “qualities that make a good partner”.

Forget about him completely and focus on meeting a wider variety of men so that when you do meet the right person, you won’t be writing up a pros and cons list as it will be blindingly obvious. 😍

NachoChip · 11/11/2024 17:29

OP, from reading what you like about him, it seems like you're looking for a stand up guy who can give you security and stability, which is exactly what he's not offering you.

He is getting in contact with you when he wants a hook up. You're always available to him and that's why he keeps in (sporadic) contact. I'm sorry to say but it's not because he values you, it's because you're prepared to sleep with him in his car.

All the time you're investing in him is opportunity wasted on meeting someone else. Someone who actually wants to know you and value you and give you what you're looking for.

This will never be him. Don't confuse the fact he's still in touch with him liking you, he doesn't seem to know you. But someone out there will. You deserve to feel appreciated and respected. It sounds like you're possibly a little lonely and looking for that person which is totally understandable, we've all been there, but this guy will keep chipping away at your confidence in the mean time and take up your headspace.

Let him go, block him so you're not tempted and I hope you find your match soon x

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 17:30

i thought he was safe! My ex husband was not a safe man! This is probably why i replied to his messages every time he popped back up. I knew of him and his family.

I do not have low self esteem. He said we would take it slow and it has fizzled out over the three years.

He told me this time around that he is worried because i can "get anyone i want" he notices men looking when we are out! and I will leave him like his ex wife did.

I felt he needed a lot of reassurance. We have spoken many times about his insecurities according to him his ex wife cheated on him and he was scared of getting hurt again.

He just kept telling me his guard is up. I kept telling him it will never go anywhere with us because we do not do what normal couples do to develop the relationship. Now i feel like he used me. I did tell him at times i felt like he was treating me like a back up plan and he would tell me i wasn't a back up plan.

for him not even taking note of my birthday was enough for me to realise he doesn't even seem to know the slightest detail about me, even after i have told him these details and know these details about him.

OP posts:
Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 17:31

I know his family he is divorced. Maybe still hung up on his ex wife but 100 percent divorced

OP posts:
CandyCane457 · 11/11/2024 17:37

I think the whole birthday thing is the least of your worries with this man.
He sounds an absolute waste of space, I wouldn’t give him another second of my time if I were you.

Laalaalaand · 11/11/2024 17:39

Changingplace · 11/11/2024 16:11

What I feel is that your post needs paragraphs and can’t read it, sorry.

I feel like that's a you problem.

freedohm · 11/11/2024 17:40

Witchesdontage · 11/11/2024 16:39

Thank you for the response!

However condescending it is.

I actually don't feel embarrassed, because I am not a balding, almost 40 year old man with low self esteem! He is!!!

I asked for advice, you could have completely ignored my post, yet you chose to be part of the grammar committee and police my post for flaws, over being constructive.

Next time i write a post i will ensure it is in font Ariel, size 12, with 1.5 spacing to ensure everyone can understand.

Some paragraphs would be great tbf, it’s just one long sentence..

ginasevern · 11/11/2024 17:43

Sounds like he only wants sex. It also sounds like he's got someone else on the go. Are you sure it's his mother he lives with? In my experience men who fade in and out and can only meet on their terms usually have a partner (or something else dodgy going on).

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/11/2024 17:45

Has he any single brothers?

DeepRoseFish · 11/11/2024 17:53

He’s playing the victim. Don’t fall for it. He’s playing you.

DeepRoseFish · 11/11/2024 17:57

The rule is if you feel you are being used you are. If he reassures you you’re not being used, you are.
Hes clearly using you for sex. Please block him permanently.

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