AIBU to limit the duration of the Christmas visit

[Grannyinnwaiting]

DSIL and child are visiting from overseas this Christmas. My elderly FIL and MIL live an hour away. They are coming to us for Christmas- no problem, we've a bigger house, I like to cook and we all get on. My sister will also be coming. I assumed they would come for 3/4 nights which was fine.

Now they want to come for 6 nights - we live rurally so thats a huge amount of shopping, catering and organising and I think I'll be run ragged. None of them really cooks so it'll fall to me. AIBU to ask that they return to the parental home after 4 nights. I don't want to be mean but I do want to enjoy Christmas

This.

Three nights would be my absolute maximum with at least one meal out.
It’s your Christmas too.

This. It's meant to be your break too. Tell them how long you're prepared to host for.

Right, you and your DH have decided to allow this. That's fine - it's on you.

The trick now is to make it as painless as possible. So, figure out what that looks like for you. A few suggestions:

Let everyone know now that you are definitely not cooking on Boxing Day/whatever day you can't face it. Ask if they want to be in charge or to book something out, as otherwise it will be bread and leftovers and they must help themselves.

Pre-plan some events or activities to relieve the pressure. This could be events/activities WITH the family visiting, or it's also okay for those to be with your friends. eg I imagine that, Mary and Jane always get together for an afternoon of shopping in the salse followed bt dinner and drinks on aroujnd the 27th or 28th?!

Ask now for what help/contributions you would like people to provide. MIL to bring Christmas crackers and mince pies, SIL to plan breakfasts. Everyone to bring wine. etc etc.

Normalise in your own head being comfortable wandering out to do your own thing without having to entertain them - the shopping, getting your nails done, walking the dog, going to the gym etc etc. Be prepared to casually pick up your handbag and go, without having to justify it.

Finally, make sure your DH is 100% stepping up with prep and during their visit activities and chores. Whether that's getting rooms set up, changing bedding, shopping, cleaning etc.

I don't understand why you think it's unreasonable?

Don't say they have to return to the parental home. Just say you'd love to have them for 3/4 nights but can't do longer. It's up to them where they stay after that.

i will expect a thread on christmas day Op
you whinging about your in laws

@thanksicloud
"i will expect a thread on christmas day Op
you whinging about your in laws"

Haha no I won't be whinging on Christmas day - I'm actually v pleased to have them for Christmas - it's the staying on until 29th that is the challenge.

We are trying to be kind as Parent in laws are in their 80s. and SIL and teen are travelling from another continent and haven't been back for Christmas for 5 years - given the age and distance factors it's hard to take a really tough stance. We therefore indicated a strong preference that they limit the length of the visit but have stopped short of a point blank refusal. Though DH doesn't cook he'll do lots of cleaning and other tasks.

Though I haven't felt able to follow the advice given I am relieved that the consensus is that IANBU in wishing it was a shorter visit.

ok i’ll expect a thread on the 28th

You're going to ask for money though yes?

You can't afford 4 extra people for 6 days.

We are well off and don't need a contribution - PIL are in their 80s and SIL is a single parent travelling at significant expense over Christmas They'll pay for lunch if we go out on 27th and 28th.

Don't say they have to return to the parental home. Just say you'd love to have them for 3/4 nights but can't do longer. It's up to them where they stay after that.

This.
Seriously, 3 nights is more than generous.

baffiling you started the thread when clearly you had no intention of changing any of the plans at all!

Good Lord no: I don't even let family members stay overnight! We have a tiny house though.

@thanksicloud
"baffiling you started the thread when clearly you had no intention of changing any of the plans at all!"

Not sure why me accepting the will of PIL in their 80s and SIL and DC on their first visit from another continent in 5 years bothers you quite so much- kindness isn't maybe one of your driving forces.

As previously stated I wanted to be sure IWNBU by preferring 4 days ( resounding support from MN / thanks all) and I also got some good strategic advice.

So i've now worked out my meal planning which involves us all eating out on 27 th and 28th and me going to the gym on those days to get some headspace. I'm sure all will go okay though it wouldn't have been my first choice.

Not sure why me accepting the will of PIL in their 80s and SIL and DC on their first visit from another continent in 5 years bothers you quite so much- kindness isn't maybe one of your driving forces.

As i said, I wouldn’t consider not having them for a moment if i cared for them and loved them. Given you do… then it wouldnt have occurred to me in your shoes not to.

As i say, my bafflement is just to start a thread about something you really don’t want to happen and worry that you’ll be “run ragged” and it will all fall to “me because no one else cooks”. but turns out all you want is anonymous posters to advise you not to do it but then when you decide to “suck it up” get snippy at anyone wondering why when you give a very strident argument as to why you’d never consider not having them 😆 (clearly you did give it some thought but both you and your dh (who won’t be doing anything!) decided to suck it up!)

Have voiced concerns to SIL and PIL but they still all want to come for 6 nights -

what did you say?!

Tell them you eed some help, just because they don't cook does'nt mean it should all be up to you on your own.

Many hands make light work, so delegate.

I agree with most of the postings that 6 days hospitality is a little too demanding but can see you’re in a difficult position. I hope it all works out for you.

I'd allow them but I wouldn't be cooking for all of that time. They can all chip in for takeaways.

This one is taking the ROYAL piss. They cannot stay if they live 40mins away, absolutely no justification for that. If they drink alcohol, fine, 1 night MAX, then on your merry bike..honestly people people. You're allowed a life as well.

6 nights is too crazy, I’d be imprisoned for murder at the 4th night! Can’t they do what you said about going back to their parents? I’d definitely would be giving them jobs throughout. You don’t run a hotel and if mil is demanding, then she needs to be directed to help herself and not be a pain if she’s mobile.

@ConstanceM I know! I couldn’t believe they were staying in the first place but didn’t want to rock the boat. You want to know the best bit? We’d only just moved into our house together and it our first Christmas hosting. My mum was there too. In the middle of lunch on Xmas Day MIL announces that she’d invited other relations to OUR to house on Boxing Day without asking us first! I was incandescent, but again didn’t want to cause a fuss during lunch. I did go ballistic at DH in the kitchen later and told him he needed to put them right as I was taking my mum home as planned on Boxing Day and he could deal with it. Suffice to say they never did it again😡

I can't believe what I've just read about your MIL inviting other people to you new house at Xmas. 😡 Even my temple veins started to pop when I read that. Your DH needs to grow a pair and set some ground rules of behaviour for her. I banished my MIL for 6 months when my eldest was born for saying and doing mad shit. She needs to calm the F down or be ex-communicated. Failing that try garlic, holy water and a cross. I feel for you 🥺

@ConstanceM It was definitely a tense Christmas. DH was left under no illusion about how I felt and told that it was never to happen again. He was furious to be fair, and read them the riot act. MIL and SIL have long since died so the passage of time has dulled it a bit. Definitely wasn't funny at the time!