AIBU to limit the duration of the Christmas visit

[Grannyinnwaiting]

DSIL and child are visiting from overseas this Christmas. My elderly FIL and MIL live an hour away. They are coming to us for Christmas- no problem, we've a bigger house, I like to cook and we all get on. My sister will also be coming. I assumed they would come for 3/4 nights which was fine.

Now they want to come for 6 nights - we live rurally so thats a huge amount of shopping, catering and organising and I think I'll be run ragged. None of them really cooks so it'll fall to me. AIBU to ask that they return to the parental home after 4 nights. I don't want to be mean but I do want to enjoy Christmas

Yes I have an adult DD, SIL and DGC - they are in another country this Christmas.

The parental home is FIL and MIL's house an hour away. All four - MIl, FIL, SIL and teenage child are potentially staying for 6 nights. My sister will prob just stay 2/3 nights.

To be honest it's more about having to be entertaining than the cooking. Mentally it's exhausting

what does your partner think?

He'd prefer 4 nights too - he funds his DM very hard work ( she is kind and I am extremely fond of her but she is demanding )

It’s insanely cheeky to invite themselves for longer knowing you’ll be doing all the shopping and cooking. They’re coming for an all inclusive holiday. Absolutely it’s fine not to spend your whole Christmas holiday as their unpaid, personal chef, waitress, cleaner and entertainment. I hope they help out whilst they’re there at least. Tell them you have plans or just that it’s too much for you! I don’t think you even need an excuse

well that’s that then.

Ask him to contact his family to explain

I think 4 nights is a lot! But if that’s what you’re happy with then stick to 4 nights. Personally it would be 2 nights for me max (but DH doesn’t get a lot of time off and I find Christmas exhausting as it is let alone hosting for 4 days

Have voiced concerns to SIL and PIL but they still all want to come for 6 nights - DH and I have decided we're just going to suck it up. We'll get out with the dog a bit on our own, and I'll take myself off to the gym when it reopens to get a bit of head space. We'll probably also go out for lunch a couple of days to break things up.

What? You don't 'voice your concern' you just tell them. Why are you being pushovers?

I'd be changing their invite to Christmas Day only for their cheek!

Don't suck it up or you will be doing this every year. Tell them no. If they don't like it they don't have to come at all

In every single family occasion or holiday Ive ever beent o, this has always made it more festive and convivial. It gets people up off the couch and away from in front of the tv, gets their hands busy, conversation and chat starts, and everyone feels part of the day. And no one is bullied into being the slave.

I had a trend of family turning up on the 22nd and staying until the 2-4th jan!
its partly my fault as I was new to hosting so wasn’t clear in my boundaries and to be honest it didn’t occur to me that anyone would want to spend so so much time visiting!

this would have always been a lot but they didn’t do anything to help or cook etc or go anywhere alone so unless I took them out they just stayed in the house with me running around the whole time providing! it felt way too full on!

I thought it was a one off anomaly but after the 2nd year when they did it again, and I couldn’t get out of it as trains had been booked for particular dates and couldn’t be changed!
I said new rule no more than 4 nights, absolutely maximum!

this year whoever is coming (not totally finalised) will be arriving on the 23rd (probably afternoon) and going home on the morning of the 27th. It long enough for a proper visit that’s separate from they busyness of Christmas Day then have Christmas Day and a quiet lazy Boxing Day but then everyone goes home!

I now assign small jobs too like lay the table or can you take that bin bag out or can you nip up to the shop for milk etc but unless I ask nobody offers. It’s a piss take I know but I also know it’s not malicious as there is autism involved and a couple of other issues that affect social awareness and interaction if that makes sense

I still feel that’s a long visit to be honest but it works better as I don’t see them much throughout the year so it covers a decent amount of catching up combined with celebrating Christmas.

Either that, or say tgat you are not cooking on tge time and you will all be eat out on x, x, x. I would fit tge bill if I were them.

You are mad and need to dig out your big girls pants. 6 days 🤯🤯🤯

See you on here at Christmas when you are blowing a gasket and thinking about alternative use for the kitchen knife set. You are a doormat op!

My parents wanted to stay for 6 nights last year - I said three was my maximum. Just tell them it doesn’t work for you.

Could you send them all to some kind of local attraction for a bit (research what will be open)? Maybe something like a stately home with some sort of Christmas display/ activity etc. or of course church/carol services if they would go for that.

What they want is irrelevant

"Oh it's lovely you what to spend time with us but you can only stay 3 days"

Why on earth are you rolling over and agreeing to this when you don't want to?!

Just say no!
You have other plans after the 27th (or whenever 4 days is)

And 100% give them all jobs during the stay

what does “voiced concerns” equate to in reality?

shame your dh is willing to accept his wife or being particularly happy with christmas arrangements but doesn’t want his family to not be particularly happy

I tell your husband straight out that you are not having them all for 6 days over Christmas.
Tell him to ring them and they can come on the 24 and go home on the 26th.
If he won't do this tell them you will ring them and tell them this but you will also demand that they send you a £400 Tesco or nearest big grocery shop to you voucher to cover the cost of food as unfortunately you have not the cash to feed them all.

I then make out a list of jobs to be done in your house and outside. I have him gardening, fixing things, painting rooms ect as it the royals were coming to the house. I have that the minute he sits down you have a job to do for him. Tell him with your family coming for Christmas this needs to be done.
You also want a new Christmas tree and he can get the stuff down and decorate the tree and house.

I bring him to the nearest town and tell him he has to buy and wrap presents for them all as your not doing this.
Bring him grocery shopping as well next Saturday and tell him you have come with me the Saturday before Xmas to get the Xmas food and the shops will be worse then.

Tell him as well that once dinner is cooked on the 25th you are not doing the dishes, making another cup of tea or doing any further cooking as you will have enough by then so he is going to have to do this. I make plans to head to the sales or go off with friends and leave him to deal with that crowd.

The reality is that having a crowd even for Xmas day is hard work but inviting yourself to someone else house for 6 days over Xmas is not fair and your husband needs to tell his family no way is this happening. Tell him if he wants them there after dinner on the 25the he can do it all.

Are you both always such pushovers?

Its your home and hosting, so you make the rules...

YANBU OP just tell them to return the in-laws.

AIBU to ask that they return to the parental home after 4 nights.

and despite consensus being NO!

a few hours later you update that you and simpering DH have decided to suck it up 😆

What do fish and visitors have in common.

After three days, they begin to stink!