With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

[FluffyRabbitGal]

Met friend at university, over 20 years ago. We had both moved to a new city to study, having lived about 15 miles away from one another pre uni however had never met.
After uni, I moved again to another part of the country (not home) whilst she stayed in the city we both attended uni. Since then, we managed to see each other a couple of times a year however when covid hit, things have really dried up.
I’ve messaged her a number of times, however invariably I either got no reply or “sorry I thought I replied to this!” But with no real interest in meeting up. As upsetting as I found this, I have accepted that we’re probably on different pages now, after all she has a family of her own now, whereas I do not.
I have tried to keep things bright and breezy when I’ve heard from her. However things have appeared to have changed, she turned 40 this summer and I got added to a “group chat” where I was expected to pay an absolute fortune to go glamping with her and a group of her pals. I have also been added to “group chats” for her hen party and wedding, which are happening overseas. She completely forgot my 40th and has only remembered my birthday once in at least 10 years.
Aside from the group chats she has added me to, I haven’t actually heard from her directly since last year until today. Where I got a glib message she was sorry about forgetting my birthday, she is a terrible friend and did I want to catch up next weekend.
I’m really tempted to reply “you’ve remembered my birthday once in the last 10 years, you’re right, you are a terrible friend and appear only to remember I exist when you want people to spend money celebrating you!”. Whilst all of that feels true, would I be unreasonable to say this or is this a little too honest? Also, not remotely interested if this is outing!

It's a bit of a shitty way to end a friendship, but if you are comfortable with it then why not? Did you do anything for your 40th?

No, there's no point. She's too wrapped in herself to understand.

Time to let this one go. Decline her events, leave those groups.

We have a very different idea of what a friend is. I would have cut her off years ago.

It’s always worth telling the truth but I’d work on taking the emotion out of the message before you let her know. E.g. I was surprised to be added as we haven’t been close for a while, and for me these big group events aren’t the place to reconnect, wish you all the best etc.

No, just think that comment in your head without saying it and then slowly back away from the friendship.. Just stop replying and leave the groups.

Yes, but as I thought she wasn’t interested in being close friends, I didn’t invite her as she wouldn’t have known anyone and she didn’t appear like she wanted to be involved in my life.

I think in this scenario, yes I’d say something. I’d exit the gathering groups, and re your birthday catch-up, I’d say ‘let’s just leave it; my birthday is well over.’

I think it's hard to say to be honest. You say she didn't show any intein meeting up, bit she invited you to things even though you didn't reciprocate and has suggested meeting up next weekend. Is there a chance you misinterpreted the failures to meet up previously and are setting too much store by her not remembering your birthday when she didn't have an invitation as a prompt? I'm probably being too generous but your interpretation seems a bit harsh tbh

Just move on. It appears you have different lives and different friends.
She did invite you to her chats so that was nice of her to include you.
I've had these type of friendships end and it's no one's fault. You can't be friends with everyone forever.

Truth is an absolute defence.

If you're done with her and it'll make you feel better...sure. Don't expect it to go down well though.

And you could take the high road, but tbh I'd only worry about the fair and kind thing if I wanted to retain the friendship then I'd debate gentle honesty or acceptance. But if you aren't arsed, brutal honesty is fair enough. Block her after though, don't get drawn into a fight for a prize you don't want

@FluffyRabbitGal I kind of wish you would because no one really does that and these people just charge along, never changing

I'm not friends with this person anymore ... I had one friend who expected a lot of attention while forgetting others - but when I said it to her (in person) it sort of bounced off. She couldn't even pretend to care.

maybe this person is the same? I don't think she will be hurt. But will she bad mouth you to others?

My 40th was last November and the last time I heard from her before today was last August, so its not just the case of forgetting a birthday because she wasn’t invited. I was completely unaware that she was engaged until i was added to the 3 WhatsApp groups this summer!! In my heart I struggle to believe that at this stage we’re even still friends… if I hadn’t known her as long I would’ve written it off as a bad job years ago.

Message her a week later and say "sorry I thought I had replied"!

I wouldn't bother with the drama or the scene I'd just reply in the groups saying sorry can't make it, hope you all have a great time, and then leave.

I would message something like “Congratulations! Wow it’s been so long since we were in touch I had no idea you were engaged. Time just flies. Wishing you and your new partner all the best for the wedding and for the future xx”. Then would exit the whatsapp groups.

Just stop bothering with her. No need for any ‘home truths’ - why hurt her? - just prioritise your better friends, hobbies, etc and move on.

Just bow out gracefully

The ball is in your court, she's invited you to parties and to meet up, it's simply down to whether you'll enjoy it and want to see her.

To end a friendship over this is petty, you're not going to feel better being honest, if it's that tit for tat type honesty. You could maybe say that you were surprised to hear from her, it's been ages - which is honest without being mean.

If things dried up during COVID, you actually have no idea what's been going on for her. She might have been grieving, had long COVID, mental health struggles or just overwhelmed and let her friendships slide.

If turning 40 has made her look at her life and try to get it back to how she'd like it, with you in it, then it's not personal - it was her issue and she's trying.

Did you remind her about your 40th? You already knew she's not focused on birthdays and doesn't 'know' yours. She has reminded you of hers.

How old are her children? Especially if little, she will be very wrapped up in them and their to needs - very different from being self-absorbed.

You know she's not good at birthdays, therefore know her 'I'm rubbish at birthdays' comment is both honest and light - she doesn't place that much importance on them but would like to catch up with you to acknowledge your 40th.

I think you'd be churlish to throw away the friendship. It sounds like you haven't fully acknowledged the difference children make.

You also sound a bit passive - you expect her to remember things and 'come to you'. Whereas she's making the effort to include you in things.

This

You’re creating drama over nothing. Some people don’t really clock others birthdays and that’s ok and means you don’t have to worry about marking her birthdays. No need to send mardy texts about it.

The friendship isn’t as close as it was but she still would like you to attend celebrations. If you can’t or don’t feel like it, that’s fine, just tell her you can’t make it but would like to meet up locally soon. No need to send bitter texts.

Generally I am ok with relationships ebbing and flowing and only reconnecting when there is a reason. Particularly so when I had young children and no bandwidth beyond my own day to day.

Sometimes friendships do "ebb" too far and become unsalvageable. Only you can determine this and it sounds like you think it is too far.

In your situation , I don't think I would be going to the hen weekend or wedding overseas (but I am time poor and not particularly sociable in a group unless I know lots of them).

I would reply with congratulations on the engagement and a bland I can't make it but wish you all the best etc message and leave it there. Even if you don't really contact each other again, I would not feel the need to have it out with her with the reasons. I feel that is hurtful and unnecessary. She's extended an invite to you not a summons as the old Mumsnet adage says.

Tldr- why put negativity in her life when you don't need to. Polite decline message=job done.

You could always leave the ball in her court with ‘ping over some dates to meet’ and then leave her to russle up dates which she may or may not do

I don’t think any of this sounds as personal as you seem to feel it is - the young kid years are all consuming. To not reply for over a year isn’t great and to add you to the group without a personal message to let you know she’s engaged- also not great. But I think not unusual with young kids in the mix. I think the issue is between her life changing with kids and that nit being what you want with the friendship. I have various friends with young kids whom we go many months between replies and that’s just life. But because that’s ok for her/me, doesn’t need to be for you, just bow out gracefully if that’s what you feel you want.

I'd send it. Fuck her, it's true. To me, she's not a real friend & I wouldn't care about losing her from my life. I'd be glad to be free of her.