With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

[FluffyRabbitGal]

Met friend at university, over 20 years ago. We had both moved to a new city to study, having lived about 15 miles away from one another pre uni however had never met.
After uni, I moved again to another part of the country (not home) whilst she stayed in the city we both attended uni. Since then, we managed to see each other a couple of times a year however when covid hit, things have really dried up.
I’ve messaged her a number of times, however invariably I either got no reply or “sorry I thought I replied to this!” But with no real interest in meeting up. As upsetting as I found this, I have accepted that we’re probably on different pages now, after all she has a family of her own now, whereas I do not.
I have tried to keep things bright and breezy when I’ve heard from her. However things have appeared to have changed, she turned 40 this summer and I got added to a “group chat” where I was expected to pay an absolute fortune to go glamping with her and a group of her pals. I have also been added to “group chats” for her hen party and wedding, which are happening overseas. She completely forgot my 40th and has only remembered my birthday once in at least 10 years.
Aside from the group chats she has added me to, I haven’t actually heard from her directly since last year until today. Where I got a glib message she was sorry about forgetting my birthday, she is a terrible friend and did I want to catch up next weekend.
I’m really tempted to reply “you’ve remembered my birthday once in the last 10 years, you’re right, you are a terrible friend and appear only to remember I exist when you want people to spend money celebrating you!”. Whilst all of that feels true, would I be unreasonable to say this or is this a little too honest? Also, not remotely interested if this is outing!

She's no longer a real or close friend, but that's no reason to burn bridges. The suggestion of blandly saying you can't make it and wishing her well seems best to me. There seems to be nothing to gain by letting her know it's gotten to you.

Definitely as PP have said bow our politely and graciously. Keep your nose clean and be nice as pie but write this one off to drifting apart. People that want you around will make it known. If you're making up hen and wedding numbers it will be obvious, or maybe she feels obliged to include you based on your previous relationship

release her of that obligation

Don't send that although I understand it if you've made efforts to speak in the past and she only includes you if it's for her wedding or hen.

This message sounds like getting back in touch pre- those.

Depending how you feel, say, 'sure let me know some times that work for you to come my way' and leave it with her, or decline politely and leave the chats. Don't send a snotty message. She hasn't behaved well but sometimes friendships drift.

I had a similar situation but with a friend I’d known since primary school. We went to the same secondary school and university but for the last few years we were in contact it was very one-sided. I’d not hear anything for months and it seemed to me I was only ever hearing anything when this friend’s other plans had fallen through. They had form for being a bit like that when we were in school to be honest.

It got to a point where I stopped making much of an effort to stay in contact and then out of the blue I received a ‘’save the date” card for a wedding, 4 months after I’d had a text after I’d sent a Happy Christmas card. The date for the wedding fell on my birthday weekend and I had another friend, who I was a lot closer to by this point, whose birthday is close to mine and I knew we’d be going out that same weekend to celebrate.

It wasn’t a tough choice in the end. Spend birthday weekend with friends I enjoyed spending time with or attend a wedding in another city and where I’d only know the friend getting married. I tried calling but didn’t get an answer so I sent a congratulations card with a note inside explaining I couldn’t make it and a gift voucher for John Lewis. I never heard a thing after that and this was 12 years ago.

Perhaps consider doing something similar?

If you have no intention of maintaining a relationship with her and you have no mutual friends then I say 'go for it' you've nothing to lose.

I don't see the point in lobbing in a grenade before you depart her life.
Just choose to not be her friend any more, that's feedback enough I think.

I think the big acknowledged question here is the friend's children.

OP casually mentions that friend has a family of her own now, in passing - but continues to expect the same level of attention from friend that was offered pre-children. That's not realistic.

I wonder how supportive and understanding you've been of your friend in the baby and tiny child years? How much you've recognised how her life has changed?

Just leave the WA groups quietly and send her a note saying you fell the friendship has run its course

Except...will the OP look back and think "Actually I'm embarrassed I sent that message"? I would.

I don't know how long it is since you left university but the truth is when you don't come from the same place and don't live in the same place after university, many friendships grow distant. It is natural to focus on people we see often, and it isn't a personal rejection of a friend we were close to for a while. I think inviting you was a nice gesture, but she won't be surprised when you wish her all the best but don't go.

I would only go to any of these if it's an opportunity to catch up with other people you really want to see.

But I wouldn't say anything particularly dramatic about it, I'd just say that you can't make [event or events] and say you hope she has a good time.

I think play it to your advantage. Will there be people you want to see at the wedding? Old uni friends? If so go to that. Make excuses for the others ‘if love to but funds are so limited right now but can’t wait to celebrate at your wedding’. Just view her as an old friend not a close one.

I think you've and many Mumsnet folk have wasted enough brain cells and done enough mental gymnastics on "Former" friends. Let them go, they've moved on and so have you. You are NOT the same people anymore..Life changes you and them, you've out grown one another and it's ok. It's not a netflix film, friends are a convenience tool. Stay independent of friendships to preserve your own sanity. Be free

I’ve bowed out gracefully over stuff in my 60 odd years, stiff upper lip and all that, but the one time I didn’t felt so great! and I haven’t regretted it for one moment. The friend in question hasn’t changed one bit, as our joint friends often tell me.

I wouldn't want the hassle of the aftermath of that level of honesty tbh. Its only worth telling it like it is for the big stuff that has a big impact and when you hope for change. With an occasional irregular friend I'd not be bothered with the drama of it. If I didn't want to go to her birthday or hen, I'd decline, probably with an excuse, and just carry on with my own life.

Why send it? It's just drama.

Whatever you write may be screenshotted and shared.

There is no need to send such an unpleasant message.

Just write off the friendship and distance yourself. I would have done so years ago with someone like this, she's not really a friend.

This is probably the best way of dealing with it. I think a lot of people (i.e. me) would probably just ghost her though.

I would either recategorise her as 'old friend' and enjoy sporadic reminiscence catch ups from time to time. Providing it felt fairly equal.

Or let the friendship naturally drift.

Either way I would probably decline the events as I wouldn't want to spend a lot of money to be with a group of people I don't really know.

Honestly, I’d say nothing, but I’d leave all the group chats - I actually think it’s bloody rude to add people to those without asking in advance. Once you’ve left them all, she’ll get the hint. Time for you to move on. You clearly don’t have a friendship worth preserving.

yeah I'd sit in the WA groups just to have a nose but say nothing.

I once told someone to their face that I didn’t think we were compatible to be friends anymore, followed by the reason why.

In my defence it was at the end of a long and frustrating evening and the reason that she had offended me related to a bereavement that I had suffered. I hadn’t planned on saying it, but boy was it effective! I never heard from her again and, to be honest, don’t think I missed out on much by ceasing the friendship.

Sometimes telling the truth is the simplest option.

The English have this odd stiff upper lip, take the higher ground thing then wonder why their so called friends keep treating them like shit. It’s because nobody calls them out on it. The inability to say what you mean and mean what you say is why this crap keeps cropping up.

If you think it will make you feel better then tell her what you think and feel then walk away. The idea we’re expected to put up with poor treatment without any repercussions or giving said friend opportunities to learn why you no longer tolerate their poor behaviour or friendship, is bonkers. Stop tolerating shit behaviour from people who aren’t given any opportunity to understand how it affects others. If you don’t tell her she’ll think it’s ok.

People say they want honestly, ime they really don't.

I would say something but not as harshly as your proposed wording.

"Hi X. Congratulations on your engagement. Unfortunately I won't be attending as we haven't spoken for going on 18 months at this point and I need to prioritise friends who value me and my special events in return. Hope all goes well,"