With old friends, is honesty ever really the best policy?

[FluffyRabbitGal]

Met friend at university, over 20 years ago. We had both moved to a new city to study, having lived about 15 miles away from one another pre uni however had never met.
After uni, I moved again to another part of the country (not home) whilst she stayed in the city we both attended uni. Since then, we managed to see each other a couple of times a year however when covid hit, things have really dried up.
I’ve messaged her a number of times, however invariably I either got no reply or “sorry I thought I replied to this!” But with no real interest in meeting up. As upsetting as I found this, I have accepted that we’re probably on different pages now, after all she has a family of her own now, whereas I do not.
I have tried to keep things bright and breezy when I’ve heard from her. However things have appeared to have changed, she turned 40 this summer and I got added to a “group chat” where I was expected to pay an absolute fortune to go glamping with her and a group of her pals. I have also been added to “group chats” for her hen party and wedding, which are happening overseas. She completely forgot my 40th and has only remembered my birthday once in at least 10 years.
Aside from the group chats she has added me to, I haven’t actually heard from her directly since last year until today. Where I got a glib message she was sorry about forgetting my birthday, she is a terrible friend and did I want to catch up next weekend.
I’m really tempted to reply “you’ve remembered my birthday once in the last 10 years, you’re right, you are a terrible friend and appear only to remember I exist when you want people to spend money celebrating you!”. Whilst all of that feels true, would I be unreasonable to say this or is this a little too honest? Also, not remotely interested if this is outing!

Send it! Be honest as she either knows this already and doesn't care or she's so selfish that it needs pointing out to her.

I think it's ok to have different types of friends. And it's ok for friendships to change over time.

It sounds as though you were close at university, but not really since. She cares enough about you to stay in touch, and to invite you to things, but her priorities have changed with her young family and you are more a periphery friend.

I think it's ok for her to be a friend like that. But it's equally ok for you to want something more and decide you don't want to stay in touch on that basis. It was always ok for you not to spend money on the glamping and the hen party and the wedding, if you didn't want to.

I don't see how there is anything to be gained from sending your message. If you'd like to see her then organise a catch up, and accept that catching up once or twice a year might be all you do. If you don't then just decline the invitations and let the friendship fizzle.

She just wants you to make up the numbers , probably minimum amount of people needed to spread the costs . Let this acquaintanceship die OP. It's not a friendship.

I personally wouldn’t send the message. It won’t make you feel any better, and it won’t make your friend feel great either. I personally think the friendship became distant (for multiple reasons, completely normal - no falling out just distant because of life) and you no longer was a close friend or priority to her.

Now she is getting married, turning 40 she obviously has thought about you and wants you involved. Wether that’s to make up numbers, or because she genuinely wants you there - I don’t know.

To be honest I would 100000% not pay out for a wedding / hen do overseas for someone I’m not close to or was wary about. I would do it only if I could afford it for a family member or close friend. So I would message back “I’m so sorry - I’m unable to attend due to costs. Wishing you all the best”

The ball is in your court about the 40th and meeting up again. Maybe use this as a one last chance sorta thing? Actions speak louder than words. Could you perhaps meet up - see how things go and go from there? Meeting up in person might be a good way to say “I was upset you didn’t remember my 40th” and have a chat about it

Maybe you could throw the ball back into her court by saying
“It’s been so long since I’ve heard from you. I had no idea you were engaged. While I am very happy for you, I’m not sure that I will make it. I guess I’m wondering if there was a reason why you have been such a “terrible friend” as you said, or if that’s just who you are…. “

You could reply fairly bluntly that you're not interested in going - its a lot of money to spend when you're going to be hanging out with a bunch of ppl you don't know.
She may get the message, or most likely it will be water of the proverbial ducks back.

This . A gracious exit . Then move on don't look back .

Perfect!

Zero anger/emotion, but the message is loud and clear.

Sounds like she's been inviting you to things and you haven't attended or reciprocated.
To me it sounds like you just have different approaches to a friendship.
No need for a silly dramatic message.

Stop bothering with her!

There was one “friend” I’d made through a friendship group who liked me and wanted me to meet her for drinks last minute and then a birthday thing which I couldn’t make (she got really stroppy over that one), she did another appalling thing (accused me of flirting with her boyfriend when a group of us stayed over at hers) but this happened before her birthday. I got to realising that I was only important to her on one or some levels and not just for being me, so I ended it. I’m sure she stomped her feet over this but you should do similar OP.

This is good, short and sweet yet civil/polite.

I disagree- there is snarky emotion here, it reads as passive-aggressive. Just say something along the lines of "it's been ages and obviously both of us have very different lives these days. Wish you all the best for the future."

Agreed. It's totally passive aggressive and sparky.
Not sure how 75% of mn navigates life with all the fucking drama they advocate

Yanbu to feel the friendship is over and to not want to bother with her. I think the message is unreasonable though. Leave the relationship with dignity. I’d just say you’re busy so can’t meet up on that date and can’t make the events you’re invited to on the group chats. Then just let it fade away.

I’m really tempted to reply “you’ve remembered my birthday once in the last 10 years, you’re right, you are a terrible friend and appear only to remember I exist when you want people to spend money celebrating you!”. Whilst all of that feels true, would I be unreasonable to say this or is this a little too honest? Also, not remotely interested if this is outing

What do you hope to achieve by saying this to her?

She won't change, so your words won't make a difference in THAT way

Will being unpleasant to her make you feel better?

Why does it matter that she's a 'bad' friend? Why can't you simply not bother with 'bad' friends? Why do you need to tell them how you see them?

Noooo. Don't send any of these watered down versions either. Why do you need an old uni friend to prioritise you? She hasn't been very responsive but she could argue that she's invited you to big life occasions which you haven't and tried to pick up the thread now. She hasn't done something awful then asked you to stand her bail.

Don't make a fool of yourself by going scorched earth even in a PA way when it's not that extreme.

I've got a friend who is very self centred. She has her good points but has really let me down during a tough time lately. I noticed that on the online group of women invited to her hen (local, a few fussy components and some expense but not huge) there were a lot of names leaving the group without comment. Personally I would have posted a 'sorry, can't make it, have a great time!' to the group. It may be that you're not the only one in this position if she hasn't reciprocated any effort until she wants attendance. Or, she may have genuinely just drifted

I wouldn’t bother with the message as it’ll make you feel great for all of two seconds and then shit afterwards. I was great friends with someone at uni and she did something along those lines. I’d been thinking of cutting her off for a while but the straw that broke the camels back was when I told her I’d had to give up my dream career for medical reasons. She never even responded to the message (it was the career we both studied for) I waited months for a response and eventually just blocked her.

BTW, I wasn’t a needy friend. We chatted from time to time but some friends aren’t meant to be in your life forever. I guess we only had uni in common. I’ve got a friend who I’ve known for 30 years so I know I’m nice 😂

Man. You seem to take things very personally. You didn’t invite her to your birthday, fair enough. She has invited you to her hen do and 40th, they are invites, not court summons. My reading is you aren’t that close any more, which you’re finding upsetting.

Send this one.

Don't embarrass yourself with a silly dramatic message. No passive aggressive talk of prioritising people or reciprocity.

There is no need to block her after either as people often weirdly do in these scenarios. She's hardly harassing you with messages is she....

A slow fade away is a really good idea and something I’ve done before rather than go in/on full PA mode. A lot of people will see the PA and not respond.

I think if it were me getting the PA mode from a friend of mine, I’d take the hint.

Honestly, she's not done anything terrible, you're just not close friends anymore. I've got many friends I used to be close to and nowadays maybe message once a year, it happens, life moves on. She's sent you invitations to her birthday and wedding, maybe as a way to make amends, maybe just because, you can decline if you want to, no reason to make her feel bad.

Sometimes friendships just end. Remember there will be someone in your life who you've forgotten or don't think about who thinks about you this way. I'm in my 50s and have let friends go over the years, it's okay to do this if you're clearly peripheral to their life and you're not getting anything out of it either. It doesn't have to be a drama, just leave them to it and focus on the people and things that bring you joy.

Move on, but take the high road.

In the group chats say "sounds like a great weekend! Unfortunately I can't make it. Have fun!"

Then leave the group.

As regards her private message, I'd be tempted just to ignore it.

She'll get the message just as strongly as you saying something to her, but you get to avoid being "the bad guy".

Just say you can’t make both events and you wishes her well.

Don't burn your bridges. There's no need. You're not high on her list of priorities so she's just going to shrug her shoulders and move one. Just decline invitations and mute the WhatsApp groups. You don't know her circumstances and you don't know if you will want/need her in the future. Friendships ebb and flow, and having little kids is a particularly busy and testing time so if you still like her keep it on the back burner for the time being. I'm part of a school friendship group and there was a period of about 7 years where we only heard from each other 1-2 a year, but once the kids were older and more independent we started talking and meeting up much more often.