To think it's impossible to make friends when you have two young kids

[Meowingtwice]

I'm a fairly outgoing, friendly person. Ive had friends in the past. However since moving town 2 years ago I struggle to make and keep friends. We met a lovely family, only DC1 age 4 then kept falling out with their eldest DC - a personality clash. So I decided to stopped seeing them. I kind of felt bad but DC1 was having nightmares because of their disagreements.

We had other friends that moved abroad. On the school run I get on fine with the mums but if I suggest meeting it rarely happens, not enough to call them friends. The rare occasion someone wants to be friends they're not a person I want to be friends with ie don't share the same values.

Is it me? Am I missing something?

YABU - it's probably you or your family or you just live in an unfriendly town.

YANBU - it's so difficult to make friends and maintain friendships when you have a young family.

I made most of my friends when I had young children via the nursery and school runs so I can’t really agree with you.

You sound a bit quick to write people off? I have friends whose DC don’t get on with mine (much as we tried) but I didn’t stop being friends with the mum just because the kids don’t got on.

I made lots of acquaintances when my kids were this age. Playgroup, ballet, swimming, etc etc.

Quite often our kids didn't particularly get on but I enjoyed spending the time when they were in ballet nattering to the mum.

What about the neighbours? Maybe you could invite some of them in for a cup of tea or a BBQ?

Or sign your DC up for Brownies or football and see if you click with some of the parents there?

Does your church have coffee afternoons?

WI?

I moved somewhere 2 years ago and it is hard. I prioritise making friends above other things. And even then I don't have anyone I could call up to go for a drink with that evening. I can see glimmers of hope and think once all our kids are in school there will be brain space for more friends. I'd keep at it. It's normal.

I see. That's an interesting point. If your kid and their kid kept fighting everytime you met up how would you maintain the friendship? DC gets on brilliantly with most kids but it's like when he does clash (with about 1 in 20) its a big one - if that makes sense.

Bit easier at school age I met the mams at parties. But yes can be tense if kids clash.

I think it’s a mix of both in this case

I do have acquaintances like this as I'm quite chatty and usually DC gets on with them well enough but they don't become friends.

Mine are NCT friends (6 years in with them now) and mums from nursery who now also have kids in Y1 at the same school. I can't say I've made any new ones in the past couple of years.

However, I do catch up with a couple on child free days which I'm assuming you don't really get if DC is 4?

We just met up without the kids if we were friends and the kids weren’t. You don’t all have to be friends?

or is it specifically that you want to be friends with the parents and the kids be friends too?

if the latter you have to put yourself out there in a range of places/clubs make the effort and you instigate the “I’m going for coffee, want to join” or “x and y get on well, fancy a walk to the park later and let them run off some steam,”

We get on with our neighbours and chat to them sometimes - they're mostly old people. I wouldn't say they're friends but definitely neighbours I'm glad to have.

I have a baby as well as DC1 so no time for extra curricula of my own. DC1 does tennis and i chat to the other parents but they're acquaintes rather than friends.

DC1 is now 5 and I have a baby I feed to sleep so I don't have child free evenings.

I had two close friends and other friends where we used to live - after we moved away I only properly kept in touch with one as its quite far to visit. She's a lovely friend and I'm very lucky to have her but I'd also like friends in my town.

It might depend where you live. I've made good friends at nursery and on the school run, but I live on a very friendly estate in a smallish town where you're very likely to run into each other outside of school runs too. I don't know that it would have been the same when I lived in London.

If it were me, OP, I'd make a habit of parking myself in a nice local cafe with the baby after you've dropped your 5 year old off. Are you doing any baby classes?

My children are all adults now and I must say that the primary school years were the easiest for making friends by a long, long way.

Those were the years when I was thrown into many group situations with other parents, even if the main thing we had in common was being a mother to children of a similar age.

Once they were in secondary school the main routes to new friendships were work colleagues, neighbours and hobbies - but far harder IME.

To me, it sounds as if potential friends have a lot of hoops to jump through to be your friend. Their children have to get along with your children, you have to have shared values, you have to be interested in them. This approach doesn't seem to be working for you so it might be worth trying a new one.

A bit of both - I would like my dc to have friends we meet up with. No one seems to have time in the week to meet without family.

I do think I put myself out there and suggest park meetings but the people who seem to go I wouldn't want to be friends with. Perhaps that sounds harsh but to give an example. A mum said yes, her kid is lovely, she spent time in the park giving me unsollicited parenting advice for my baby. She also went off for 30 mins and left me with my newborn and her kid and my DC. Then knowing I care about healthy food she gave them both two donuts and a bag of crisps. So ok not terrible I get it everyone's different but I didn't think let's be friends.

I must have scared the rest away!

Some baby classes yes. Perhaps the problem is I missed a lot because we were ill or tired and go to different ones - a bit ad hoc.

That's possible. I do end up thinking do DCs get on OK- DC does get on with most but like all young kids can change his mind. Then I care about healthy food so I'm not saying I'm not friends with someone over the odd cake but if they're always giving my kid sweets I'd rule out meeting much (unless we're friends before kids that's different). Then I like to get on with them too. And obviously some people might just not want to be my friend or not have time.

I did have a friend like this but they moved back to their home country.

But yes maybe you have a point- I reduce the chances of finding friends.

You’ve dismissed one family as the children didn’t get on, fair enough. Others you’ve dismissed as not sharing the same values.

then you’ve said you fell out of touch with a ‘close friend’ because it was too far to visit.

are you sure you don’t have narrower criteria than you realise?

I was sympathetic until you said this:
The rare occasion someone wants to be friends they're not a person I want to be friends with ie don't share the same values

That comes across as quite snobby. It's possible to be friends with people who don't think exactly the same as you.

Thanks,

I'll just copy the explanation I followed up with and see what you think. By values I guess I just mean get on with them, I get on well with people in different jobs, different religions etc..

Perhaps it is snobby but just to check, here's an example.

"Perhaps that sounds harsh but to give an example. A mum said yes, her kid is lovely, she spent time in the park giving me unsollicited parenting advice for my baby. She also went off for 30 mins and left me with my newborn and her kid and my DC. Then knowing I care about healthy food she gave them both two donuts and a bag of crisps. So ok not terrible I get it everyone's different but I didn't think let's be friends."

Making friendships is like dating; it really is a numbers game, and about putting yourself in as many situations to meet people as possible. I think it’s completely normal for most connections to remain acquaintances or superficial. You also have to be open and maybe a little less selective - a lot of people I made friends with recently aren’t people I instantly warmed to or who I thought were my kind of person, it takes time to really get to know someone.

If your kid and their kid kept fighting everytime you met up how would you maintain the friendship?

Quite a few of my best school mum friends don’t have kids who are friends with my kids tbh, they are people I found I get on with rather than friends via our kids. I met them chatting at the school gates at pick up time, then the odd school event, then progressed to meeting up for an evening drink or (once both kids in school) a quick coffee after drop off.

Occasionally we do meet up with kids in tow but generally to do an activity out somewhere so clashes are less of an issue. They are older now which helps. But mostly it’s adult meet ups.

Maybe you need different friends for different reasons.

If you want some mums to meet up with the kids then your top criteria might be your dc liking their dc - and not care too much about their healthy eating habits, or other fairly insignificant values. You just want some company while dc enjoys playing with his friends.

And if you want a group to go out for a glass of wine with, well it doesn't matter what your dc thinks of their dc or how many donuts they give their kids does it?

I think you're trying to manufacture a group of lifelong best friends but it doesn't have to start out like that. I think you need more casual connections and maybe stronger friendships will develop over time.