To think it's impossible to make friends when you have two young kids

[Meowingtwice]

I'm a fairly outgoing, friendly person. Ive had friends in the past. However since moving town 2 years ago I struggle to make and keep friends. We met a lovely family, only DC1 age 4 then kept falling out with their eldest DC - a personality clash. So I decided to stopped seeing them. I kind of felt bad but DC1 was having nightmares because of their disagreements.

We had other friends that moved abroad. On the school run I get on fine with the mums but if I suggest meeting it rarely happens, not enough to call them friends. The rare occasion someone wants to be friends they're not a person I want to be friends with ie don't share the same values.

Is it me? Am I missing something?

YABU - it's probably you or your family or you just live in an unfriendly town.

YANBU - it's so difficult to make friends and maintain friendships when you have a young family.

I care about healthy food so I'm not saying I'm not friends with someone over the odd cake but if they're always giving my kid sweets I'd rule out meeting much (unless we're friends before kids that's different).

Instead of stopping meeting why not just say, no sweets for mine please they’ve had enough this week! Hopefully the friend will take the hint and not bring any next time.

Also why is it different for people you were friends with pre kids?

You do sound a bit judgy. Candidates are going to feel like they're being interviewed. I wouldn't stop being friends with someone just because they gave my child crisps and donuts. I'd find a way of taking the donuts away - keep that lovely treat for later as you drop it in your bag never to be seen again.

It takes time to make friends. Maybe look for people in the same situation who’ve just moved to the area too.

I made more friends than I knew what to do with when my kids were this sort of age.

Lots of play dates with different kids, joining school committees, joining a book club through the school, going on class nights out, sharing lifts to after school activities, running with other mums after drop off, adding contact details to lists for holiday meet ups… There are so many opportunities.

Mine are 24 and 21 now and I still have loads of close friends from their primary days.

Thanks. That's because I obviously wouldn't drop a friend over this but wouldn't deliberately make friends with someone where it becomes really difficult to maintain fairly healthy eating habits for my kids. It's a battle as it is.

But yes you make a good point, I probably just need to manage my own kid more. Generally I say like you've already had desert so if offered just have one.

Thanks its s really small school so a lot of this is tricky. Though I encouraged one parent to get their kid into the same tennis class and we get on well.

Thanks, this is how I made the one friend we do have here.

I have made more friends since having young children than I ever have in my life so far. I've met a lot of people in baby groups, people who live near us, through nursery. You don't make friends with everyone who has a child the same age as yours but from various places I have a good few friends now that I've made through having children.

I agree with PP who says it often starts as casual connections as it does in any situation, sometimes you become good friends after a few years.

Our local friends are more neighbours and parents of dc’s friends. How old are your dc? I didn’t find that it was until they were old enough to build proper friendships that we got to know other parents (so say age 8). Otherwise it’s just people you see in passing rushing on the school run.

That said, even with 2 dc and all their assorted friends and us in our late 30s/early 40s, our real like proper friends are all people we went to secondary or uni with, so friends we’ve known for 20+ years, not really parent friends.

I’m quite fussy about who I want to be friends with so I have only met 3 friends in 8 years that I actually want to do stuff with. I don’t want ‘friends’ for the sake of it.

I think these things take time, be patient. I met one of my fave mum friends at swimming lessons 3 years ago but it was a v slow burner. I prefer it like this though. I don’t want to be asked out for coffee before 1 year!

I agree with this.

It sounds like you have plenty of people that you are 'friendly with'. That is how friendships start.
Long standing friendships develop over time. I am getting the impression you are trying to find some really deep friendship instantly, and that isn't really how friendships work.

Agree that friendship takes time to develop, and to really get to know people is very hard if you're occupied with the small children you are responsible for at the same time.

You need to do some things without the children to get to know people, a regular evening class maybe.

Or invite some mums for a night at the pub.

Once you actually know people then the hanging out is easier.

Ask someone for a coffee after a baby class once, and then it becomes a regular thing.

Also making friends at work is often easier because, depending on the job, you are at least likely to have common shared values.

And , if someone is a real friend, then please don't drop them because you moved away. Go back for a weekend and visit and spend time with them

We moved town when our kids were just turning 4 and 2. Starting a new nursery at the same time as everyone else made life much easier and most of my friends are from the kids' primary years. We occasionally consider moving again but I can't conceive of starting again without kids as an automatic "in".

I have a mum friend who is vegan and we share 2 mutual friends. We are not vegan. She also home schools her 2 sons. Honestly if her criteria was not just that our kids get on, and we get on (both true) but also that we had "similar values" such as veganism, not drinking, homeschool, banning certain TV shows etc. she wouldn't be friends with any of the 3 of us.

I see. Why wouldn't you want to be asked out for coffee earlier? Sorry if that's a daft question.

Yes probably. I think I've been fortunate in that I had a friend where we just knew after meeting twice we'd be good friends. I probably try too hard to replicate that but I also find others do too and get disappointed if you won't always meet.

Thanks, I'm fine with this - being friends with someone vegan or eats lots of meat, tv all day or no tv, home school, private school, state etc all fine by me.

I guess it's mostly just healthy-ish eating. I struggle with how much junk some people offer my kid (and theirs). And I can't be bothered with the constant hassle of explaining why we had one small choc bar and kid x had 3 donuts. Perhaps I do rule out a lot of potential friends on this basis these days and need to decide if I want to change my approach to that or not.

I just don’t like clutchy people iyswim? I don’t want to be friends with someone that’s desperate for any friend. I like it to evolve naturally with many meetings as natural as possible with no expectations. My swimming friend, we just chatted each week (which was lovely btw) until we eventually arranged met in the park before swimming, then time went by & we arranged a theme park, then a meal etc. all the time that’s passing, we’re building foundations. I appreciate I might be odd but I’d had a woman (again at swimming) that latched onto me for dear life and I got v claustrophobic with it. It was smothering.

Edited to add : I’m not saying you’re clutchy op, you actually seem lovely & not clutchy at all🥰

No it's not odd. I know some people do this so I just wondered why. But that makes sense. It's happened to me once where if you go for a coffee once and it turns out they assume you're best friends after that, can be very awkward. So yes I do get it.

Have you tried inviting some of the school mums back to your house for an end of term get together? Kids can play with each other and the parents can chat and socialise. I've found those were really effective ways to forge friendships with people locally.

Honestly I think if your approach to food is limiting your ability to make/sustain friendships that’s quite unusual and not very healthy overall. It is normal for kids to have treats on playdates and won’t harm them, and even if it is excessive you can manage it without entirely discarding the relationship. Good friendships are as important to provide/facilitate and model as eating healthily.

I’m struggling too. I have people I’m friendly with at the park and bus stop - had my eldest during covid and moved shortly after when people were still doing bubbles and anxious about everything.

My close friends are an hour drive away and most of us don’t drive, so we see each other every 3 months. I know local friendships will form, it just takes time. I thought I had one last summer, very similar values on the surface but she turned out to be VERY attached to some conspiracy theories and things. To the point where I had to stop chatting with her at even a casual level once my son started asking questions about some things she said.

Things will click eventualky OP. Some slow burn friends and maybe some insta friends. For me it will also take being less exhausted. Right now I’m not doing well at following through with texting or making plans.

You could join the PTA at your little one's school and get involved with activities there - a good way to meet lots of parents and see who you hit it off with? You can also try local toddler/baby groups - I met some nice mums there and would often meet up with some of them in the park or for coffee. Ended up with a wide group of acquaintances and 3 or 4 close friends which suits me fine!

Meet up with the nice friend you met in the evenings? Do a class or walk together? Don’t involve the little ones.

Thanks, I did recently join the pta and met a couple of new mums there - even one invited me to her baby shower so that might be nice.