What do you do about missed calls in a relationship if things are good otherwise?

[CallyT]

This happens semi frequently. He also has high functioning ASD.

We'll have a time were planning to FaceTime/chat. He'll usually get in touch an hour later apologizing and either try to call back or suggest another time. Sometimes he even misses the other time and calls later again. I'm not happy with this behaviour.

I've told him it upsets me and makes me feel like not a priority. Inside it makes me wonder if he really loves me although it seems like he does when together. He apologizes and says he gets caught up other things and he has a lot on.

He messages every day so keeps in touch but I find it hurtful and I feel like a broken record?

Seems to be a bit of a one way relationship OP.
It doesn't sound as though he is there for you when you need a bit of emotional support.
And he prioritises his work over you.
Not being available for an arranged call once or twice is normal because things can crop up unexpectedly but for it to be a regular occurrence is disrespectful of you and actually bad manners.
I wonder whether this relationship is right for you OP.

He didn't want spontaneous calls, but then doesn't answer when you call at the agreed time.

Sorry to say, but it sounds like he's not that bothered.

Personally I prefer to be with someone who puts in the same amount of effort as I do.

If he can't be arsed now, he won't get any better.

I feel confused because when we're together I have his dedicated time/attention and unsurprisingly he is never on his phone.

He's also fine with messaging multiple times a day but seems to fall down at phone calls.

No, it isn't nice to feel like the other person isn't arsed.

This is just how he is.

If its causing you so much upset then maybe this particular relationship isn't for you.

Can you call him normally, having agreed with him that you will do this so it bypasses his WhatsApp?

Maybe he's uncomfortable speaking on the phone, but doesn't want to tell you that because he knows it would upset you - but doesn't realise that promising to call (and not doing so) is even worse.

You need to talk to him - face to face.

I would focus less on what he is doing or not doing and focus on what you want from a relationship.

When you envisage your ideal relationship what does the communication look and feel like to you?

You would be valid in wanting to end a relationship because it isn't meeting your needs. You've expressed your needs. The situation hasn't changed. Your needs are important and ignoring them causes resentment.

Personally I couldn't do long distance and this little communication and not feeling like a priority. There are others who it wouldn't bother, but you need to be authentic to you and your needs.

I am a writer and I must confess that I do need to switch off and focus properly to get things done. It can make relationships difficult because if I'd put an alarm on my phone and felt I had to disturb the flow of my work just to chat, I'd probably do it but it would affect my progress with work.

I understand 100%

What isn't good is promising to call at a certain time continually and not doing it.

Anyway I'm speaking to him shortly supposedly so we'll see if we can come to a better agreement this time or not.

Sounds like you're polar opposites! You need a lot of emotional support via phone calls, etc., he doesn't for whatever reasons. Time to split.

We talked for quite a long time. The chat was very uplifting and we had been so caught up with work we had lost sight of a lot of what was going on with the other. We talked about how I'm feeling with my relative.

However I wasn't entirely content with his response on me suggesting more spontaneous calls. He said he will call me more spontaneously but I might not reach him if I do it because he HAS to turn his phone off to write his important work.

He said he just forgets time exists and he wants to still keep trying to stick to a time. I don't think is a solution but there you go.

Fantastic

Why do you need to have agreed times? Why can’t you call each other whenever and if the other person is free, they’ll pick up

I think this will start to become a really serious problem over time.

It's easy to say you call him or adjust your expectations - but if you're already really upset then I don't think you can realistically adjust your expectations by the required amount for this not to bother you.

It sounds like he either can't be arsed, or whatever he's doing is soooooo important that he can't think about you.

Whatever the reason, not calling someone at an AGREED time is not a particularly good sign. And if this is him at 'his best' then who knows what he'd be like months or a few years in...

It sounds to me like he wants to control when you speak on the phone, which is not going to lead to an equal interaction and that is what you are resenting.

He decides when you have an arranged call - his decision.
He focuses on his work rather than call you - his decision (it is a decision, as he could set an alarm as others have said; at some level, he is taking for granted that you will be there whether he makes the effort to call or not).
He can call you spontaneously - his decision
You can call him spontaneously but he might not pick up - his decision.

For whatever reason, this is a form of communication he feels the need to control. Maybe because it is disruptive, maybe because it is not face to face so harder to ‘read’, who knows? But you are not going to have any agency here as he is controlling the phone call territory,

This! Don't overthink it

He's being unfair. If he wants to set times, he has to stick to them. Just like any appointment. His time is not more important than yours, set times mean you are having to stop what you're doing to call him, but he refuses to do the same.

He should adapt his notification settings so that he can hear your calls. Or if he wants his phone off completely, he should buy an alarm clock or a watch with an alarm.

I'd point out those solutions to him, but if he's unwilling to implement them, I wouldn't stick around to be treated inconsiderately.

@Talulahalula I agree.

This is clearly the method that works best for him for work it isn't working for the relationship.

If he wants to have this relationship and his job, he needs to prioritize speaking to me too.

When he said he's happy to keep trying by a set time I said yes but you keep doing this and I do not want it to continue. It makes me feel upset and forgotten about.

He said he'll call again this week, so we'll see if he does. If the situation doesn't improve I'd be really sad about having to end things but I also can't be taken for granted. It will diminish my feelings for him.