What do you do about missed calls in a relationship if things are good otherwise?

[CallyT]

This happens semi frequently. He also has high functioning ASD.

We'll have a time were planning to FaceTime/chat. He'll usually get in touch an hour later apologizing and either try to call back or suggest another time. Sometimes he even misses the other time and calls later again. I'm not happy with this behaviour.

I've told him it upsets me and makes me feel like not a priority. Inside it makes me wonder if he really loves me although it seems like he does when together. He apologizes and says he gets caught up other things and he has a lot on.

He messages every day so keeps in touch but I find it hurtful and I feel like a broken record?

It will depend on the why I guess.

How often do you see/speak to each other otherwise?

I wouldn't be too bothered but I can't be arsed talking on the phone most of the time.

What reasons does he give?

To me there is no stage in a relationship that you begin to disrespect someone.

OP, Are you long distance?
Why do you think he is not available at the arranged time?

@goingdownfighting once he was at a 'last minute' conference that kept him.

He is a writer and tends to get deeply into his work without breaking focus for long periods. I think he forgets I exist during these periods.

Sounds like he has other priorities.

I would stop making plans to facetime or chat since he rarely does it.

He should be trying to set alarms. However I have had an ADHD friend ask how another friend managed to remember to set alarms, lol.

If I phoned my DH and he didn't answer I would just assume he was busy 🤷🏼‍♀️ wouldn't bother me in the slightest assuming he returned my call when he could.

@CallyT how did you get together in the first place; was he focused on you then?

We aren't long distance exactly but live an hour apart and have both been busy travelling, me on a holiday with family and him with work, so haven't seen each other much.

He claims he will call me again at 8pm tonight. Does anybody need have advice for how I can handle this or change it?

I’m assuming you don’t live together or see each other often? If you do I don’t see the issue with not facetime/calling, I can’t be bothered with talking on the phone most of the time but I do live with my husband so I know I get to speak to him when he gets home anyway, maybe I’d feel differently if I only got to speak to him on the phone though

Yeah. The issue I have is he knows how it makes me feel but keeps doing it.

Why isn't he taking steps to not forget?

He's about to go on a work trip for two weeks so I won't see him for a while.

DH works away (military). I don't call him he just calls me when he isn't busy.

I'm starting to think having agreed times to talk isn't working. He is the one that suggested this but it clearly doesn't work.

Is there a reason you can't call him?

Maybe he really doesnt enjoy phone calls. Autistic people can find them difficult even it they really like the person. I’d just leave it and see what taking his lead looked like.

I did call him. At the time he asked me to.

I'm also autistic I hate so speaking on the phone even to him.

This doesn’t sound like ASD to me this just sounds like he’s not as invested in the relationship as you.

I don't think he forgets you exist. He forgets time exists, isn't conscious of it passing when absorbed.
So spontaneous calls might be better, then you won't feel let down, he won't have an appointment he's likely to miss and, and if you catch each other at a convenient time everyone's happy, if you don't, it's no big deal.

Maybe his suggestion was well intentioned but not wise all things considered.

What I'll say is we never just phone each other freely because we feel like it

He always asks to talk at set times but then often misses the set time entirely, leading to resentment from me.

When you say 'he's a writer' .... is this the academic that is studying for his PhD that you post continuously about? If you are the same poster please, please end this relationship - you are clearly not happy and endless threads about it won't help.

If you are a different poster then it depends entirely on context, is it a long distance relationship and this is the only form of communication? It sounds a bit teenagerish to get so uptight about this ... adults have busy lives, work, other commitments etc etc ... it's not always easy to call at the exact time you stated.

Ah ok, it sounded like there was a set time for him to call you and I was wondering because if the noise of you calling him doesn't alert him, an alarm a couple of minutes before the call won't alert him either. I'm sorry but if he's missing actual calls from you rather than missing a time to call you, I think he just isn't prioritising you and I don't see that changing. Sorry.