What do you do about missed calls in a relationship if things are good otherwise?

[CallyT]

This happens semi frequently. He also has high functioning ASD.

We'll have a time were planning to FaceTime/chat. He'll usually get in touch an hour later apologizing and either try to call back or suggest another time. Sometimes he even misses the other time and calls later again. I'm not happy with this behaviour.

I've told him it upsets me and makes me feel like not a priority. Inside it makes me wonder if he really loves me although it seems like he does when together. He apologizes and says he gets caught up other things and he has a lot on.

He messages every day so keeps in touch but I find it hurtful and I feel like a broken record?

I do think it sounds like asd, as they can have trouble with trasitions. Anyway no two asd people are the same.

This is my real concern of course.

I was really looking forward to hearing his voice after time apart and I'm not even on his mind. 😞

Why don't YOU arrange to call HIM at the time you have both agreed?

At the end of the day it doesn't matter if he has ASD or if this is an ASD thing or not. You don't have to put up with feeling like the last thing on his mind, just find someone who is capable of actually regularly speaking to you and connecting with you more deeply than some text messages.

It doesn't alert him becaus I phone on Whatsapp and he actually disables the app entirely if he is 'busy'.

So the calls don't get through.

This would be a no for me.
Even if he's engrossed once or twice or wants to finish what he's doing, it's not difficult to pick up the phone and ask whether you can chat in an hour or so.

It's not really about what we think or would feel though. You've explained how it makes you feel, which is valid, and he continues to do it anyway. And that's the bit for me which is a no.

I'm very familiar with that frustration. Ex-DH used to do it. It didn't get better over the years and ultimately there's nothing you can do to make them actually connect with you when you're not physically in front of them. In our case, even in the same room he would rather be on the laptop than talking to me. Note that he's the ex-husband. It destroys your confidence and makes you feel invisible.

It wouldn't work for me.

He did at least say 'I should have let you know I was over running.'

I mean yes, he should, and he knows it.

In person everything is great and I'm really happy. But I still need connection in between times, when we can't be together.

Why is it that you never ring each other "just because"?

I wonder if there's more going on here.

Why are you hanging around waiting for someone to call or you call who doesn't answer half the time? Stop setting a time between the two of you or send a text 10 minutes before you call.

Why are you expecting to be someone biggest priority? That's really suffocating. Working is a priority too.

Probably because he set the tone with suggesting specific times from the start. From early on I thought this was because of his ASD and assumed having specific times would help him as opposed to spontaneous.

Looks like that might not be the case after all.

Yes I know it's important but working has been his priority day and night all week. So no phone calls yet.

I just want an hour on a Sunday and even that's too hard. When am I a priority?

But now you know that specific times aren't working - why are you letting yourself get all worked up and upset when he doesn't call?

Oh also!

I suggested phoning spontaneously and he reminded me he might not pick up because he disables the Whatsapp app to focus on work. Where is his solution to HIS problem?

What I would do is let him know when I can talk and leave it up to him. If he doesn't call then he's evidently not interested and I would on.

Because I've had a terrible week with a relative who is end of life and I thought he might consider picking up for a change. I needed to speak to him and hear his voice today.

Have you told him that?

@coffeesaveslives no but I will later

He's just messaged to say sorry.

It sounds like you both struggle to communicate.

Change the narrative of a phone call on demand even if that is his choice. It's not working so stop it and do something different.

It's just a phone call. Sticking your heels in over it is not going to change what he does.

So you are expecting him to be a mind reader now?

Read the partners with ASD thread if you want an insight into your future.

He was also working away when my pet died this year. Now a relative is dying and he's away again.

Not only that but he can't be arsed to answer my call to do something, just to be a support.@MarkingBad I could probably communicate better. I didn't realize he'd need telling.

Sounds like you both value and expect different things.

It's unlikely to change unless you change. If you are not willing to change, it's not worth the stress you are feeling.