Why do parents say "You'll see" or "Just wait until..." to expecting parents?

[marriagehelpplease]

I've been thinking about something that's been bothering me lately, and I'd love to hear from parents who have found themselves saying phrases like "just wait until..." or "you'll see when you have kids" to expecting parents.

I'm currently pregnant, and what prompted this post was an interaction with a friend who made these kinds of comments completely unprompted - I hadn't even expressed any opinions about parenting or claimed it would be easy. It got me thinking about why this seems to be such a common response to pregnancy announcements.

What's particularly interesting to me is how unique this seems to be to parenting. We don't generally respond this way in other life situations. Imagine telling someone starting a new job, "Just wait until you've been there a year - you'll hate it!" Or telling a newly engaged couple, "You'll see how hard marriage really is!" We'd probably consider those responses pretty inappropriate and unnecessarily negative.

So I'm genuinely curious (not ranting) - if you've made these comments before, what was your mindset at the time? I wonder if it comes from a place of wanting to prepare others, or perhaps it's a reflection of your own challenging experiences?

I'd especially love to hear from those who've caught themselves doing this - what do you think drives you to make these comments?

(Not saying you're like this.) Everyone is a perfect parent until they have children. And then once you're a parent everyone has an opinion about how you're doing it. It's frustrating.

I have siblings who are much younger than me. I know how to look after a baby - every single thing they need I already knew how to provide when my first came along. But being a parent was a totally different thing. The buck stops with you. You make all the decisions. All of the worry and stress and guilt and EVERYTHING is your responsibility. You literally cannot grasp that until your child has arrived with you.

So that's why.

Some people just like to piss on other people’s chips.

I don’t say this but most of the time, people commenting on parenting stuff aren’t trying to do anything other than make conversation. Yes some will be smug or making a pointed remark but most of the time, it’s just a way to chat about an experience they’ve been through.

I don't think I've said it myself, but I have heard it said to people giving unsolicited parenting advice when they don't have children of their own, or when non-parents have passed judgement (e.g. 'I really think you should breastfeed', or 'I will never allow my (future) children to have a screen, I can't believe you allow your child to bring his iPad to lunch'.. etc...)

I’ve never said it out loud and can’t stand when people do but basically it’s because personally I went back on about 90% of the things I always thought I’d never do if I have kids!! I’d say it just slips out on a bad day tbh!!

As pp said, you can’t grasp what it is like to be a parent until you are one. It’s a whole other life. However I agree that it’s totally unnecessary to say it, I definitely never have and never will.

Oh I do remember saying it once ... just remembered! When my sil was pregnant she went on and on about how little sleep she was getting and how tired she was. Given I had two children under 3 at the time and was also knackered, I was getting a bit peed off with the drama of it all. I know pregnancy is hard but 'wait til the baby comes' did roll off my tongue...

I work with pregnant women. Not all but quite a few ( apart from thinking they are the only person to ever be pregnant with a holy child) have very firm ideals about what they will do and how they will parent children.

Then I see them for their second & third - and shit just didn’t pan out how they thought it would 😁

YANBU OP, these people are very irritating. I think it comes from a place from either wanting to bring others down a peg or two or insecurity about their own experiences meaning they want to put a dampener on things for others. It says nothing pleasant about the people saying it!

Well I was annoyed at this particular comment by someone because I had said NOTHINg about my pregnancy no gloating, no moaning, no nothing.

It's weird to state such a thing under these circumstances. I understand if I'd have said something to imply I think it'll be easy etc

But otherwise honestly, I think it's coming from a dark place. I have no does why anyone would say such a thing

Some people do find pregnancy insomnia worse than the lack of sleep with young children. It’s different for everyone and not a competition.

Erm. You'll see

@YaWeeFurryBastard completely agree. I do feel the person who said this often gets out of seeing my downfalls. I never gloat, if anything down play things but I can tell by how they are with others too

This. I particularly dislike it when I hear a GP when their adult child is struggling saying something like 'It's your turn now' or 'You were like that, it's come home to roost'. It seems mean spirited and nasty.

Maybe you should have said ‘are you ok dear?’

Because there is solidarity in parenthood and this is how you get welcomed into the club?

Seriously, it's just people making chat. I wouldn't get hung up on this, just left it waft over you while smiling and nodding.

There is so much judgement and angst involved in being a parent - you just have to be a bit tough and not let things get to you.

Maybe the adult child put them through hell?

Or maybe the adult child was just your average teenager who went through hormones and puberty like everyone else.

I LOVE this poem by Hollie McNish. It's called "if you think it's hard"
See her reading it live here https://images.app.goo.gl/nau8CuXJ6NHxGDGe7

Tbf though pregnancy lasts 9 months. I had 7 years of only four hours sleep as two of my kids were horrificly bad sleepers. Ruined my marriage and I went deaf at one point. True story

Because they are smug dickheads who think pro creating makes them superior

Perhaps they thought parenting would be a walk in the park and it's caught them out so they assume you're thinking the same. If that makes sense?!
Take no notice, it's your journey to experience in your own way.

Well only the GP would know… 😉

I have a baby and have 2 friends currently pregnant, I do say “just wait until…” but only EVER positive things because it drove me crazy when people constantly told me negative things when I was pregnant😂 just wait until you see their little face, just wait until you get that first smile/laugh, just wait until that first cuddle… yes I probably did think or say things during pregnancy that now I look back on and think “well I was all wrong about that”, but constant negative comments when I was pregnant just annoyed me.

My most hated one was the “you think you’re tired now, just WAIT until you have a newborn”, which was absolutely 100% false. I’d take newborn tiredness over pregnancy tiredness every day of the week. Cuddling my tiny baby at 3am is a far nicer tiredness than going for my 500th wee of the night, crawling back into bed with back pain and then tossing and turning for another 2 hours!

There’s plenty of time for talking about the difficult bits of having a baby, it’s totally normal and healthy to talk about it, but there’s a time and a place, that time and place is not when you’re chatting to a first time pregnant mum who is already feeling a bit anxious, overwhelmed etc and doesn’t need the horror stories

Probably multiple reasons.

1. As pp said they’re just miserable and like pissing on someone’s chips.
2. Theyre bitter as they were unprepared for the realities of having kids and are trying to “warn” you.
3. They lack the ability to socialise without insulting people.