Why do parents say "You'll see" or "Just wait until..." to expecting parents?

[marriagehelpplease]

I've been thinking about something that's been bothering me lately, and I'd love to hear from parents who have found themselves saying phrases like "just wait until..." or "you'll see when you have kids" to expecting parents.

I'm currently pregnant, and what prompted this post was an interaction with a friend who made these kinds of comments completely unprompted - I hadn't even expressed any opinions about parenting or claimed it would be easy. It got me thinking about why this seems to be such a common response to pregnancy announcements.

What's particularly interesting to me is how unique this seems to be to parenting. We don't generally respond this way in other life situations. Imagine telling someone starting a new job, "Just wait until you've been there a year - you'll hate it!" Or telling a newly engaged couple, "You'll see how hard marriage really is!" We'd probably consider those responses pretty inappropriate and unnecessarily negative.

So I'm genuinely curious (not ranting) - if you've made these comments before, what was your mindset at the time? I wonder if it comes from a place of wanting to prepare others, or perhaps it's a reflection of your own challenging experiences?

I'd especially love to hear from those who've caught themselves doing this - what do you think drives you to make these comments?

Yeah pretty much this

Because some people like to sound like know-alls. As in "Ooh, ypu aren't parents yet, well I am, and I'm so awesome for getting through this" even if prenting has been plain sailing, just to make themselves look like fonts of all knowledge.

I usually find these are the same people who tell teacher "Wait unril.ypu have little Jonny in your class, God help you" with tinkly laugh, making them sound like parents of ultra children, even though little Johnny just likes reading and picking his nose.

I cannot stand the just you wait brigade. My MIL and SIL are like this.

When I was pregnant with DC1 it was 'you think you're tired now, just you wait until the baby is born!!!'

Now it's 'you think being pregnant with a toddler is hard, wait until you're outnumbered!!!!'

I don't do it. I just listen to mums of younger babies and sympathise because if you're struggling with the bit you're in, it's always valid.

The worst one was a really weird colleague who had two adult boys. 'Wait until they're 20 and they hate you'.

I guess for a lot of people it's a genuine trauma, for which there is little support even when there are goos bits, and there isn't a good and safe way to process it, so like all humans they make mistakes in how they handle their emotional regulation.

Because it is just so different and so much harder than anticipated. Hugely rewarding too but it was a real shock to me.

I have a 2 year old and my sister and DH's brother both still say to me/us on a regular basis "oh just you wait blah blah blah" or "you've got all this to come blah blah blah". I just find it boring and ignore them!

I find it weird too. I understand people saying they sort of thing when it's something like: oh we'll NEVER let them watch something on a screen, or I will DEFINITELY only breast-feed, when realistically both those ideals can go out the window in a moment.

But why do people say negative comments when it comes to pregnant women talking about money, or sleep for example? Unless they've made a really stupid statement, why do some people rush to make such a negative statement about how they'll never sleep again, or won't ever have money again. I've had to tell my dad to stop telling me I won't sleep again, will be poor until they're 18 and other negative things. Most people who get pregnant aren't thick! I'm aware parenthood is gruelling, but I don't get the need to piss on people's chips. It's just like pregnancy - it was awful for me until week 21ish because I had HG, and now at 30 weeks I feel great, whilst other women feel terrible...it's all so individual.

Sorry OP, you touched a nerve 😂

My analysis of it is, it's coming from a place of jealousy in case you don't find it as hard as they did.

I know how hard it is, which is why I almost didn't have a family. I think some people go in the opposite and think it's all cute and end up...pissed.

Can we try and not make a problem about everything? Most of the time, this is a light-hearted bit of talk. I doubt people are being intentionally nasty. If it dulls the anticipation, then just choose to not let it do so. Tbh, getting up 5 tines in the night is not alot of fun. Yet those people probably would still have chosen to have kids if they'd had their time again. Enjoy your pregnancy. Smile and say 'watch this space!'

Oh man! I came here to say this 😂

It’s all part of the cycle of parenting. When I was pregnant, people occasionally said this to me. When I had little kids I said this a few times to others because I couldn’t believe no one had told me what it would be like - and it was my duty to warn others of the reality of having a baby and then they could be more prepared then I was. (Why does no one tell you about this before you have a baby, was a common refrain at my antenatal group. It’s like a huge novel discovery.)

But they never listened/believed me/understood so I stopped. Then I’d listen when they in turn warned others, who also didn’t believe them.

These days if someone tells me they’re having a baby I just say, fantastic, that’s great news. But mostly because I’ve forgotten what it’s like, now my kids are teenagers, and I miss the days when they were little. I can imagine if I’m a grandparent one day I’ll remember again…

People say stuff like that throughout parenting, I don't know if it's just making conversation or whether some just always feel the need to trump your current stage/ circumstances, but the latter always comes across smug.

"You think the newborn stage is hard, wait until they're a toddler..."

"You think having a tantruming toddler is hard, wait till they're a teen!"

"You thought having 1 was hard, wait till you have 2 to run around after..."

"You think the primary years are hard going, just wait till secondary!"

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I was told for years "wait till they're teen then you'll know about it!" I'd take teens over toddlers any day! I don't make "you wait until..." comments because they are smug and every parent has a different experience depending on their own dc and circumstances.

It's absolutely jealousy that they are finding it hard and you're not.

When I was pregnant all the mums with babies I knew went on and on about how terrible it is, I'll never sleep again blah blah blah.

When my baby slept really well and I looked well rested and happy, when they asked me how I was finding motherhood I said I loved it and was really happy. The look on their faces was pure disdain and they started banging on about "just you wait for the four months sleep regressions" " just you wait until teething" 🙄 those things came and went and it wasn't a problem. They are ladies who complain about motherhood a lot and like the drama of being the martyr.

I have nothing but good things to say about being a mum I love it, my sister is the same. When I was pregnant she kept saying I just can't wait for you to have this experience that experience etc. it's amazing.

They're just unhappy and telling you they think you will be too. Take solace in that and ignore them.

Actually your job analogy is a good one. You do get people who blast into a job and have the naivety that comes alongside that with no understanding of the hours, the responsibility, the politics etc. They judge the employees who have been there years and those employees eye each other knowing that at some point that new employee will also feel jaded and frustrated and knackered.

So it’s that basically. We all going into parenthood bright eyed and bushy tailed. Some of us will cruise through with easy pregnancies and births, masses of outside help, family support and a husband/partner who is actively involved with the children and housework. Some of us will fall at a few hurdles but dust ourselves off. Some of us will crash and burn but all of us will have a level of understanding about the enormity of what’s ahead of you.

if you think your friend is being a bitch then slowly move away from her. I have no idea if she is friend or foe, only you can decide that.

Some people just like to piss on other people's chips.

I think a lot of people have no idea how much of a change and how hard it is at times and when they find out they want to pass that down. Some people do it in the way you've said and others are able to offer genuinely kind advice. I doubt many are doing it out of malice but perhaps a sense of something not so jolly.

There were times when I was so fucking tired, I genuinely didn't know if I'd make it through another night. It rocked my world for the good and the bad. I used to feel great jealousy when someone has a great support network but we usually laugh about it and I say how lucky they are and jealous I am. No need to be a prick about it.

Yes, it’s annoying and I never say it because it used to do my head in! When your baby’s born it’ll be, “oh it’s easy now, wait till the terrible twos”, or “wait till they’re a teenager!”. My kids are teens now and I’ve enjoyed every phase!

I’m going to totally agree with this! My MIL was awful for the amount of “oh just wait until XYZ” or “you don’t know how easy you have it now, wait until they are crawling/walking/taking/toddlers” blah blah blah.
Well guess what, I actually loved the stages she use to moan about! My MIL had four boys (why I have no idea as she has NO maternal instincts at all) and it’s almost like she looked forward to seeing me so she could ask how I was managing and when I’d say I was good/coping well she absolutely HATED it and out came the just you wait comments 🙄
once I noticed the pattern I made sure to elaborate even more how well I was, absolutely loved being a mum, little one was a dream baby blah blah 😂 (we don’t like each other obviously lol)

I would say though that you need a few responses in your back pocket :-

1. It can’t be that bad or you wouldn’t have have X number of kids!
2. every child is different so just because your child was a terrorist doesn’t mean everyone else’s is 😂
3. in looking forward to X stage :)

or just smile and change the subject.

good luck with the birth x

Judging's fine - there are a fair number of shitty people around, which means that there are a fair number of shitty parents. Saying it to them is very rude though.

I've said it a few times.

I usually bite my tongue and try not to but when annoying SIL is telling me how she will definitely parent better than me when I have two toddlers and she is pregnant there is only so much "oh gosh I would never do that" I can take.

I don't say it people who aren't criticising my parenting.

Unsolicited comments are a bit weird I guess. I had the opposite, no one really warned me about how difficult it might be and I had horrific postnatal depression - I kind of wished I had been better clued into the realities of parenting a newborn and had more realistic expectations going into it. So if I have a conversation with someone pregnant and they say something wildly unrealistic I will probably try and gently broach it. Not because I'm smug, but because I think being honest is the kind thing to do.

I never understood the "just wait until they're teens" thing, I couldn't imagine how it could be any more intense/exhausting/stressful than having 3 under 5 and now those 3 kids are teenagers I've been proved right, it's infinitely easier than when they were younger

Oh, probably to remind them they made the worst, irreversible mistake of their life.
And they cannot keep the lid on the glee.
😂

@HappyMummaOfOne love your responses!

Exactly