To warn people in advance I won't be drinking alcohol?

[theAFlife]

I won't bore you with back stories but DH and I are now 100% AF and very happy about it. I am also very happy to be around people who do enjoy a drink and have absolutely never once commented on it.

With the festive season coming up, and I am going visiting a cousin who lives about 10 hours drive away in the New Year, I am fairly sure she knows I am AF but maybe doesn't.

I am wondering anyway should I tell people who invite me somewhere that I won't be drinking alcohol?

I don't want them to go to effort/ expense on my behalf, I used to be very fond of alcohol so no doubt people that don't know I am now AF will think oh she will love these fancy cocktails or expensive wine or regional spirit and get it in on my behalf.

But I also really don't want to come across as judgey 'oh look at me, aren't I fantastic that I don't drink alcohol' when in reality for me abstinence is far easier than moderation so I just abstain.

It'll just be a brief text, not saying any of the above 'Hi Jane, really looking forward to seeing you all on the 20th. DH and I gave up the booze so don't go to any hassle on our behalf. Can't wait, let me know if you need me to bring anything.'

This will only be an issue at small events e.g. just our two families. Not if I am invited to a big party

YABU - Don't say anything
YANBU - Do say something

Yeah that text is ideal.

No need. Just say no thanks when you get there.

I think I would prefer it if you let me know in advance, especially if you previously enjoyed a drink.
I would probably put the money towards 'nicer' food and make it more about eating together rather than bunging a pizza in and getting sloshed!

YANBU but I'd keep it breezy and expect that with the advanced notice they may have had time to wonder why so may impolitely dig in conversation when you're there. Be prepared with only the level of detail you wish to share which may well be repeated much wider.

No need to say or do anything.
I am teetotal. I just say no thank you to alcoholic drinks, and if I'm someone's guest I bring a non alcoholic beverage.

Yes just say in passing "oh by the way..." and maybe just bring a favourite squash if you are worried. No need to overthink.

Just bring whatever it is you want to drink.

I know what you mean though, people can be extraordinarily pushy when it comes to alcohol and take it personally if someone chooses not to partake.

I dont drink (due to peri) and have found people can be horribly pushy when they find out. Its annoying since I never comment on what they are drinking.

If it puts your mind at rest send the text. You dont have to justify or explain why you dont want to drink. Its noone else's business what is in your glass and they have no right to comment on it.

Text sounds good, means they can plan what they buy in drinks wise

This is what I am thinking. Back in my 'drinking days' if someone I knew also enjoyed drinking I'd be looking for fancy cocktail recipes I could make or getting in a few types of something for us all to sample.

@Commonsenseisnotsocommon the truth is that when my MH was at an extremely low point I thought alcohol would help, it did the absolute opposite in nearly the worst way possible for me. Much of my family know I 'had a mental break down which required a brief period in hospital followed with psychiatric help'. DH genuinely just feels so much better in himself, his life, everything without alcohol so has quit with me. Of course life doesn't become roses and we still have day to day things but alcohol would not help!! So I am just not willing to drink again even though I used to be 'the life and soul of the party' sort of person.

But I think I'll just keep it brief 'I just found I no longer enjoyed it'

I was initially thinking no, but if they are hosting and they’ll have gone to expense to get more alcohol/special alcohol that they know you would like and it will sit unopened then that makes me think to mention it in the way you suggested.

I admire you for making the change and standing strong. Your brief response is perfect and I hope you have a lovely time.

Yes, I think you should. It’s different if you’ve always been teetotal of course, but I’ve been in a similar position to you where I used to be a big drinker. I’d send the text you suggest but rather than say ‘don’t go to any hassle’ which sounds a bit odd, I’d be specific and change it to: “DH and I have given up the booze so don’t get any in on our behalf’.

Have a great time and congrats on being AF!

Good decision, OP 💐
I'm glad that quitting helped you with your problems. You'll find that people will stop asking. Now people just say "Maya doesn't drink alcohol".
If I get a gift of a bottle of wine, I just say thank you, and give it to someone else.

@timeforteaandbiscuits thankfully so far I haven't really had that. The closest was at a wedding and I asked for an OJ, he asked but what it in, I said just OJ. He said, 'oh fine, just thought you were worried about the cost' and went and got me OJ.

@MayaKovskaya Yes I doubt I'd need to do this for long. I am just thinking of some reasonably good friends who I will probably catch up with over Christmas who don't know. I really don't want her to buy a super fancy expensive gin or bottle of champagne on my behalf knowing that on pervious occasions I would have been very happy to see those!

New friends I have made recently know I don't drink

Your text sounds perfect. If I was hosting I would really appreciate knowing before buying in drinks.

I do the same. I like an alcoholic drink very occasionally but I'm very happy to drive and I would never drink alcohol in that situation. If I was a guest I would take a nice bottle of wine for my hosts and a bottle of something soft that I would like to drink. No one I know would ever assume that everyone would be drinking alcohol so there would always be a selection of things.

@theAFlife also- so well done for making a positive change!

My mental health has improved massively since being teetotal

If you wanted to let them know (which is nice to avoid their expense of buying in stuff you won't have) but don't want to come off preachy or like you are telling them something you already know perhaps you could phrase as a request to have some space saved in their fridge for you to pop you current fave non-alcoholic drink in? I had this a few weeks ago, a guest was coming and asked if she could bring her sparkling tea and if I could save space for it to be kept in the fridge - it meant I did save the space and served as a friendly and gentle reminder that she wasn't drinking.

I think that’s a good text - makes it clear that you’re thinking of her planning, not any inference of moral superiority. I’d change the end to “Let me know what i can bring” though :)

I come from a big drinking/partying hard family. I’m not AF but drink a lot less than most in my family. I would say “looking forward to seeing you etc etc. DH and I have given up booze so will bring some soft drinks for us, let me know if you want me to bring anything else.” I’d only send in advance because in my family, people would def be stocking up on favourite drinks before someone’s arrival.

As someone who likes to stock up on things I think people might drink when they visit, I would definitely appreciate advance warning so that I don't waste money on things we wouldn't normally drink. I might also appreciate knowing what alcohol free alternatives you'd like to drink too. Eg do you want fruit juice, coke or grape juice type drinks or are you happy with tea, coffee, water which we'd have in anyway.

I would say something, because it's polite to let your hosts know if there are things that you don't/can't eat or drink. So, in this case, they won't buy in enough alcohol for four if they know you won't be drinking. It also gives them a chance to buy in some nice alcohol-free alternatives, rather than feeling bad when you decline their champagne or whatever and feeling they have nothing equivalent to offer you.

Yes as a host I’d really like the heads up as I’d probably buy less alcohol, get some nicer soft drinks in etc.

I'd want to know so I can find out what your drinks of choice are and get them in for you.