To warn people in advance I won't be drinking alcohol?

[theAFlife]

I won't bore you with back stories but DH and I are now 100% AF and very happy about it. I am also very happy to be around people who do enjoy a drink and have absolutely never once commented on it.

With the festive season coming up, and I am going visiting a cousin who lives about 10 hours drive away in the New Year, I am fairly sure she knows I am AF but maybe doesn't.

I am wondering anyway should I tell people who invite me somewhere that I won't be drinking alcohol?

I don't want them to go to effort/ expense on my behalf, I used to be very fond of alcohol so no doubt people that don't know I am now AF will think oh she will love these fancy cocktails or expensive wine or regional spirit and get it in on my behalf.

But I also really don't want to come across as judgey 'oh look at me, aren't I fantastic that I don't drink alcohol' when in reality for me abstinence is far easier than moderation so I just abstain.

It'll just be a brief text, not saying any of the above 'Hi Jane, really looking forward to seeing you all on the 20th. DH and I gave up the booze so don't go to any hassle on our behalf. Can't wait, let me know if you need me to bring anything.'

This will only be an issue at small events e.g. just our two families. Not if I am invited to a big party

YABU - Don't say anything
YANBU - Do say something

I would appreciate a guest telling me so it means I can get some really thoughtful AF drinks in and instead of spending £100 on champagne and top shelf wine I might rejig the menu to have some more special food items too. Have hosted drinks recently with new parent friends from school: a number of them are AF for religious reasons (Muslim and evangelical Christian) and it was really helpful to know in advance so I wasn’t offering them the left over juice from the kids breakfast.

(i think your suggested text is fine - with the tweak suggested by the PP; let me know what I can bring not if I can bring anything. If someone says the latter I never ask, but if it’s the former I might ask them to bring eg a loaf of bread from the nice baker on their street. )

I came on to say no need, but having read your reasoning and the text you plan sending, I’d say yes, let them know. As PP have said it might change the pattern of the host’s spending it planning.

I think your message is perfect, and agree it’s worth giving them the quick heads up, I’d appreciate it. I am with you on keeping the reason simple (if they ask in person). I generally say something like ‘I just can’t cope with the bad head in the morning now, even if I just have a little it really affects me’ (when actually I stopped because I recognised I was drinking way too much and couldn’t seem to stop at one. Like you, I find abstinence easier than trying to drink moderately). I feel like that doesn’t put a value judgement on them (which I’m genuinely not doing)- and it stops people being pushy as if I’m saying it makes me feel ill, you can’t really argue with that! (Well, some still can!!)

I usually make sure I bring plenty of none. alcohol drinks when I go places as well as a nice pressie or wine.
I don't drink if driving or if I am hosting.

Do you really think people care?

Fuck me

Normally I would say no need to warn and make it into a big thing BUT if someone is likely to spend mpney on getting some alcohol in specifically for you then I think its polite to mention it.
That text sounds perfect

If she does, she does. It's happened to me a lot. Just pass it on. Eventually people click, but if they don't, it's not a problem.

I can tell you they do. I've had so many comments like "oh come on, dont be so boring", "surely you can just have one", "what's happened to you?- you used to be a laugh" etc.

These comments were from heavy drinkers mind, so I suspect people abstaining trigger something within them. Not everyone does this of course but there are people who love a drink who find it baffling that you dont.

I just ignore all that, @timeforteaandbiscuits . It says more about them than you.
Mostly people don't notice or don't care.

If I were hosting I'd appreciate the heads up & know to get in some nice non-alcoholic drinks.

Without warning you'd be on squash all night!

But that's a totally different situation to the one the OP is in!

@theAFlife sorry to hear what you went through! Hope things continue to improve.

I think in this situation, sending a text like that is perfect. Your hosts might go to a lot of expense & effort to buy in /make cocktails or whatever & then be disappointed you can't enjoy them & it's money/effort that could have been spent differently had they known.

Well done going AF & I'm pleased you're both feeling better for it!

What does 100% AF mean?
Because it clearly doesnt mean "I won't bore you with back stories but DH and I are now 100% Auntie Flo and very happy about it."

😂😂

Yes, for sure!

I would want to know so I can get drinks that are special for you. In the same way I organised a family event a couple of weeks back and there two guests who were vegetarian and two who were vegan - I wanted them to have same variety of choice that other people at so I spent a bit extra making sure that there were treats for them as well. It's the same with drink. We only tend to have wine, cider and beer where alcohol is concerned but when I host I make sure I have a variety of soft drinks so the non drinkers and drivers can enjoy a choice as well.

Oh fgs my brain has just worked it out "Alcohol Free"!

Ive been essentially teetotal since I was in my early 20s (ie 30+ years ago) so never even think about it now. AF next to each other meant nothing to me lol even despite the rest of the post clearly talking about alcohol and avoiding it.

I think it’s a good idea to send a brief text. There are some lovely non alcoholic drinks available these days that not packaged up as alcohol free versions of beer/wine etc. just genuinely nice drinks in their own right. If someone told me they were AF I’d make an effort to get in a few nice options and would really appreciate the heads up.

That text is perfect. I would greatly appreciate the heads up.

I think your text is fine OP. As you used to drink, I think it's natural that your host would get drinks in specifically that you would enjoy. I think it's only good manners to let her know, so that she can get alternatives.
I'm pretty much the same as you. My last alcoholic drink was over the Christmas holiday. I'm not opposed to alcohol, and enjoy the occasional drink, but during this past year, alcohol-free alternatives were easy to source. I'm not planning to go permanently tee-total, but am now committed to seeing out the year, just out of interest.

This. I usually have in the odd lemonade etc, but if I knew I had people not drinking I would e.g. buy a bottle of nosecco/make sure I had some kombucha etc so I had some stuff that can be served in nice fizz glasses.

I gave up alcohol last year, and I did the same, OP.

It seemed sensible to me to let them know the status quo had changed, especially because drinking was a big part of our celebrations/meet ups /shared connections before.

This from me too!

I'd appreciate a heads up - not because I'd have any issue with you now drinking but just so I had a sense of how the evening would go and could plan effectively

Why would you think they won't?

I don't drink either and I would send a message like you suggested so there is no awkwardness. People can be weird when you don't drink

I'd let them no, if you'd turned vegetarian you'd let them no so why not about alcohol?

I've been AF for 7 years.
People cannot force the shit down your throat.
😐