To warn people in advance I won't be drinking alcohol?

[theAFlife]

I won't bore you with back stories but DH and I are now 100% AF and very happy about it. I am also very happy to be around people who do enjoy a drink and have absolutely never once commented on it.

With the festive season coming up, and I am going visiting a cousin who lives about 10 hours drive away in the New Year, I am fairly sure she knows I am AF but maybe doesn't.

I am wondering anyway should I tell people who invite me somewhere that I won't be drinking alcohol?

I don't want them to go to effort/ expense on my behalf, I used to be very fond of alcohol so no doubt people that don't know I am now AF will think oh she will love these fancy cocktails or expensive wine or regional spirit and get it in on my behalf.

But I also really don't want to come across as judgey 'oh look at me, aren't I fantastic that I don't drink alcohol' when in reality for me abstinence is far easier than moderation so I just abstain.

It'll just be a brief text, not saying any of the above 'Hi Jane, really looking forward to seeing you all on the 20th. DH and I gave up the booze so don't go to any hassle on our behalf. Can't wait, let me know if you need me to bring anything.'

This will only be an issue at small events e.g. just our two families. Not if I am invited to a big party

YABU - Don't say anything
YANBU - Do say something

No harm in telling them in case they bring you a boozy gift. Just say 'we aren't drinking so please do just bring you own'. I have friends who don't drink and I happily just bring my own bottle of wine. You could suggest something else they could bring instead? If gifting is your usual thing.

If you think someone might go to expense thinking that you will be drinking alcohol, the nice thing to do is to let them know. That way they can get in some nice soft drinks etc as well.

Just the same thing as if you were going to someone's house for dinner and you are vegetarian.

I'd appreciate this as I'm not a drinker and really only have alcohol in for guests, so I'd know to get something else nice for us all to drink

Your text sounds perfect x

Have you ever gone from being someone who 'likes a drink' with friends who also do, to someone who no longer drinks? I'm guessing either not, or you don't pick up on people's feelings very well. Because most people who have will tell you that people typically DO care. At minimum for the practical reasons OP has explained. But also often for a variety of other reasons. It can be a big change in our society to become AF.

Plus a bottle of wine I hope
Taking drink to a dinner is intended for the host.

Actually I think your message is spot on, and then she won't plan for fancy, expensive drinks you won't have. And will allow her to get in suitable alternatives if she wants

I don't think most people would notice or care even if they did.

I agree with other posters that your proposed text and prepared follow up one liner is perfect. I hope you have a really lovely catch up.

I hope you don’t mind me referencing your mental health and hospital stay. I had a similar hospital stay a year ago. I was very lucky to have a supportive DH and friends. They helped ensure the kids were impacted as little as possible. My family have largely ignored it (tbh I think they have enough to cope with their own mental health issues). I’m just really struggling with accepting my diagnosis and the reality of what happened. As soon as I was well enough to do so, I just shut my mouth and got on with it so I could get out of hospital and make sure my whole life hadn’t imploded. I’ve been given medication that works and support to minimise the risk of it happening again. I’m well enough to have been fully discharged - which is great feedback on how I’m doing but also a little lonely. I’m so sorry to hijack your thread to ask but I wondered if you had any advice, as you sound so calm and thoughtful with your posts. I don’t know anyone other than my mother who’d be hospitalised in these type of circumstances and she isn’t well enough for me to consider discussing my experiences with her. Please do ignore my message if it doesn’t feel ok that I’ve asked.

Is it not more about giving the host a heads up so they don’t go to the expense of getting in extra or specific alcohol for the guests coming only to find that they don’t want any of it?

No need, OP. It's a complete non-event, and it just looks self- centred to mention it, as if anything you do is somehow important. I have a number of friends who don't drink alcohol, and nobody ever mentions it. It's their choice and nobody cares.

(Actually, you may be seen as "virtue signaling". Cue the joke: "How do you know when someone is vegan? They tell you!")

I think your text is perfect. I'd appreciate the heads up as others say, so that I could plan better non alcoholic drinks/spend more on food/snacks instead of wine etc.

I think that's a nice message. I gave up booze similar to you and would have something similar at the time. Now no one bats an eye, and is used to it. Similar to you, I just said I gave up for a bit and felt better if people asked and I didn't want to chat about it. I've been open-ish with some people but over time it's just all faded into the background!

I'd appreciate the heads up as a host. Lots of good example texts on this thread and i think your short explanation of why (if pushed) is perfect

I think your text sounds fine. Most people appreciate a heads up of something that isn’t ’the norm’ especially if they don’t have much in that isn’t alcoholic. My parents are big drinkers and never have anything non alcoholic in other than tea/coffee/water and the odd massively out of date squash bottle or half a bottle of orange juice in the fridge. I take my own when visiting as it’s easier on everyone.

If they’re providing drinks then your text sounds fine. I went to a friend’s for lunch recently and texted her that I won’t be drinking but was happy to bring a bottle if she wanted some.

Your text is fine and at least you know people won’t be buying extra for you and your partner .

I'd just put it in a text that you no longer drink alcohol because I often buy in things for guests staying if it's something I don't usually have at home - also say but please don't let that affect your evening if they'd likely not drink if you aren't ... personally I wouldn't care and I get the bloody hump if I decide not to drink (albeit rare!) and people nag at me 'oh go on, just the one ...' NO!!

Just tell them "no thanks. I'm a recovering alcoholic." I can guarantee you nothing more will be said!

It really isn't a big thing. Just drop them a text saying neither if you drink alcohol in case they go to a lot of unnecessary expense

I think your text sounds good.

I'd add to your text something like 'we drink ginger beer and Diet Coke, happy to bring with us and save you shopping specially.

Or change the wording to say you've 'given up booze and now drink ginger beer and coke'. ie put something in somewhere so they know what you like to drink.

Saves them having to get in extra coke lemonade appletizer irn bru etc etc as they don't know what you like and try and cover everything!

It makes sense to give them a heads up in a breezy "BTW DH and I have given up booze for the foreseeable, so don't bother getting any in for us, we'll bring some elderflower stuff along".

But over the Christmas period a lot of food has alcohol in, so I'd suggest adding a reassuring "(we're fine with wine in the gravy/sherry in the trifle/brandy in the Xmas pudding though)" just so they don't suddenly think they should rethink their whole menu. Unless you're not fine with alcohol in the food, in which case that's more of a problem.

What a strange post. Are you ok?

It's not a complete non-event if OP and DH were big drinkers, and their social life centred around it.

Giving friends the heads up that this is no longer the case is a perfectly normal, valid and polite thing to do.

Goodness me, whah a bitter post you made. How odd!

A short text and bringing something alcohol free with you shouldn’t upset anyone.