DS made racist comment at school

[ellie09]

I have a DS age 7 who has ASD and he struggles quite a bit socially.

I am utterly appalled and ashamed by what I have heard this morning. This wasn't any thing directly to me or by the teacher.

DS apparently made a comment to a girl in his class saying he "didn't want to play with her as she has brown skin". This apparently blown up in a private group chat on WhatsApp that I was not aware of. I hadn't had any communications from teachers or other parents, so I was confused.

His best friend at school is a Muslim boy and his granny is Brazilian. He has grown up around different skin colours from a baby. We have had a serious conversation today in which I have told him he must apologise to this girl tomorrow.

However, I am also angry that this has been put on a WhatsApp group before anybody has even spoken to me, I assume the teachers aren't even aware. Of course, this has caused outrage in the group chat (and rightly so!) but I can't help but feel this was wrongly handled by the other parent as this is a group of 7 year old children and issues like this can escalate very quickly.

How do I handle this moving forward? Do I request a meeting with the head teacher and make them aware of the incident etc?

I feel really sick at the thought of walking my child into school tomorrow, knowing that most will be judging based on what they have heard.

Btw, I'm not in the group chat - screenshots were sent to me by another parent.

I remember my friend being called in by the school because her 6 year old described a boy as “brown Adam” (there were two Adam’s in the class)
He thought he was just using a description to tell the teacher which Adam he meant. To him I think it was the same as saying ‘blonde Amy’.

Have you read the thread? OP has clarified that the school explained the comment itself was not what was portrayed and the girl herself didn’t even seem bothered. There’s a lot of very intense, adult projection going on here.

I am surprised the op wasn't called in to the school to talk about the incident. Young people need to be taught to know right from wrong. The school doesn't seem to take bullying or racist language seriously and choose to continue like nothing happened. The op should never have found out through another parent it should have been the teacher. There doesn't seem to be any safeguarding in place.

It doesn't matter children need to learn right from wrong. I thought the response from the teacher was poor. It's shocking how they have handled it. My son's school would never tolerate it and would talk to the parents. I wonder if they recorded it.

I completely agree with you. Using the description ‘hurled racist abuse’ is extremely over the top and not remotely what happened. Even without the context given by the OP, I would not leap to believing that a 7 year old boy is actually racist. He made a comment that he didn’t realise was insensitive, he has been taught by the OP that it’s not good to comment on people’s skin colour and he probably won’t do it again.
Small children, I would imagine it’s even harder for those with ASD, are still very much learning to navigate the social landscape and it’s our job as parents to help them with that. The witch hunt was entirely unnecessary and there has been a lot of over the top responses from people on here!

I feel sorry for the little boy, he sounds devastated. Not to say I don’t also feel sorry for the girl that he said it to. Not a nice situation for either of them!

OP’s child needs to learn that making comments about someone else’s body / appearance is inappropriate because it could be hurtful and sensitive.

He also needs to learn more about race and skin colour so that it demystifies the topic for him and he doesnt have these kind of basic questions.

This is perfectly routine - small children aren’t born understanding these things.

He does not need to be : punished or shamed ; made to feel he’s done some monumentally terrible thing ; led to believe that race/ skin colour is a terrifying/ taboo / shameful topic. How is that helpful in any way? Surely that’s part of the problem. OP said her son drew a picture of him and the girl holding hands as part of his apology, but was now scared and unsure of what colour he should draw her. The lesson he has apparently learned here is ironically a racist one.

The other parents need to learn that posting unpleasant rumours about a small child on social media is wholly unacceptable- bullying and a safeguarding risk.

No wonder the mother is upset I would be livid. I would expect action to be taken by the school. At least they are taking the WhatsApp group seriously?

If the school took immediate action and informed op the parents wouldn't be talking about it. It's their lack of action that has caused this. I've known schools to go down hill for this very reason. My daughter's school went from outstanding to inadequate because they never recorded anything or spoke to parents about any incidents that happened at school.

Yes that is true the school should have been much more proactive

I agree, at bare minimum she should have had a phone call from the teacher. Her child has been the victim and perpetrator of racist comments, she should have been made aware of both and a plan agreed going forward of both how to protect/support him and how to ensure there isn't a repeat of this.

I disagree with the incident being taken to a class whatts app group, but I do wonder if there is a level of frustration that the school isn't taking bullying seriously, and they are discussing it on a shared forum to try to find a way to resolve it themselves as they see the school doing nothing. The way the remarks were made about OP's son was inappropriate and unhelpful, but maybe this groups anger is more directed at the school in reality?

They read what the op had posted. The mum of the child was upset it's not nothing like the teacher said she's minimising it. Op found out yesterday through another parent what had happened and why the mother of the child is upset from a screenshot of WhatsApp messages. Mums are talking about it on WhatsApp and wondering why op knows nothing about it. Why didn't the teacher inform the op about the incident?

It's not going to go well for the teacher if she speaks to the parents about the WhatsApp messages. The teacher sounds incompetent the parents will complain.

Update after school visit

I arrived at the school a little later than usual, just to help keep DS at ease as he was nervous. Walked in with no issues and sat at reception to speak to headmaster. Got speaking to her within 10 minutes.

The incident itself did not involve the girl, it involved a little boy, who is ironically DSs best friend at school. DS made a comment about skin colour (it wasn't specified what it was, but was told it wasn't malicious). Teacher known about this incident and it was dealt with there and then with DS and other boy, and apparently they were playing again after a few minutes. Some other children had overheard as they were in a group.

I asked was there perhaps another incident rather than miscommunication from the children but the school has confirmed that there was no such incident with this girl that has been mentioned in the WhatsApp and they believe it's interpretations of stories told by children when they got home.

I was the first and only parent to raise this directly with the school, and the school was not happy about individual pupils being spoken about in a WhatsApp group. They said they would reach out to these parents directly and send communications re. reporting of incidents to the school and correct procedure.

They are also reaching out to parents of the little boy that it actually was to make sure all is ok and offer meeting / additional support if they need it which I am glad they are doing.

To round off they told me they were surprised to hear that the issue made it to a WhatsApp as it was a non-issue at school that was dealt with quickly and promptly with both pupils involved. They confirmed that there was no malice behind what DS said.

@ellie09 I'm glad you got to meet with the school, and I'm sorry you have had to go through this. As a wise poster earlier in thread said, there is 'your truth, my truth and the actual truth' and it sounds like this incident has been blown far out of proportion due to false information being shared and people jumping on a bandwagon.

Did the school comment on the bullying you said your child had experienced around his skin colour?

They said they weren't aware of this but they would speak with DS to find out a bit more

Apparently there's been a couple of incidences regarding other children in different classes regarding skin colour etc but again, no malice.

They're going to set up some sessions on race, diversity etc very soon as it may be a wider issue that needs addressed throughout the entire school (and also maybe how DS has heard this to begin with)

At 7 there never is any malice but the way they have handled it is shocking. The incident I spoke about with my son he was friends with the boy. They still took it seriously and spoke to them and dealt with it. They even asked the mother to go in to speak to her about it. Young people need to be taught right from wrong. You're happy that the child's family will get support so it isn't nothing is it. Why didn't they tell you even minor incidents is brought to the parents attention why not this?

No malice? They hear it from somewhere don't they. I wouldn't be surprised if it came from their parents. My friends son punched a boy in his mouth in his first year of secondary school cause of the racist language that was said to him. It comes from somewhere the school needs to involve the parents.

I can only go by what the school tells me unfortunately - their words, not mine

Regarding my DS, I don't believe his was maliciously said, however, I am very aware that if not taught that these comments are not acceptable, then it can evolve to deeper issues later in life - hence it was dealt with

No, it isn't "nothing" and I am glad that support will be offered if they need it.

Although I think my DS didn't mean anything malicious by it, I am still very aware of the impact that words and comments about somebody's appearance (whether it be race, weight, hair colour etc) can impact somebody, even if it wasn't the intention.

My DS has had people call him "weirdo" and they "hate him", and it's caused larger issues where he constantly asks if you hate him, if he's weird, " you don't love me!"

Do I think the children that call him these are fully aware of the implications of these words? No, I don't. But it doesn't mean that the children don't deserve support. Every child deserves it

They are confirming with teachers today and updating me later today

They want a plan of action on how the school will deal with it. You said that other children from other classes were talking about skin colour. It's a big problem at the school.

Your child is being bullied who is advocating for him you said they know nothing about it. It's your son's mental health that is being affected not the other children. You need to put him first.

They are also sending out communications about acceptable chat in WhatsApp over any bullying allegations and talk of individual pupils

The school cannot control anything said on Watsapp chats between parents nor can they say what’s “acceptable”, they simply do not have the power to do that. Why they even suggested doing this is ridiculous. Parents will always have Watsapp groups, they will always gossip and there’s nothing the school can do to stop that.

Yep - I told them this myself and fully aware that they can't "police" outside WhatsApp groups, same way they can't control gossip at the school gates!

They may not have any control over it, but they can make their stance about how to appropriately handle such matters clear to parents. For any decent person, they would comply because it is the correct thing to do. People can get dragged into cliques and mobbing incidents because they feel that they are "alone" or that they will stand out from the crowd. The school sending such a clear message is one way of countering that and saying that not acting like this is right. It can give people courage to stand up to bullies and gossips.

You've probably unconsciously modelled racist behaviour to him - all the mention of "my black friends" in your original post are a massive red flag. Bit of soul-searching needed tbh.