Doing favours for a friend that doesn’t do favours for you

[WasteOfPlateRealEstate]

Do you do favours for people who don’t help you out when you need help?
a friend who I have distanced myself from has just gone on holiday for a month. Recently she wouldn’t help me out in a medical emergency and that cemented my decision to step back. She knows I’m ill at the moment with a nasty infection but I’ve just had a message asking if I’ll put her bins out, collect a delivery and bring her milk in because she’s forgotten to cancel it for the month. She’s not asked if I’m feeling better and the message was all about her and how she was annoyed that another friend had distanced themselves from her. Would I be unreasonable to stay home and not do her bins, get her delivery and bring her milk in? I’m not going to have room in my fridge for a months worth of milk and I haven’t room to be storing a months worth of parcels either. Surely if you’re going away for a month you don’t arrange for deliveries for that time. Last time she did this there was a mix up with parcels that I had to sort out for her. I’m wondering why I did it now because it wasn’t my problem to sort out. She certainly wouldn’t do that kind of favour for me. I might be being a grump with being ill but AIBU?

apologies if this is formatted wrong. I’ve never done a poll before because I was on the app and didn’t have the option to make one or vote.

Just say you can't do it as you are still unwell.

I'd just say that you're not in the best of health at the minute and unable to take anything else on. Hope she manages to find someone and enjoy her holiday and then ignore

Tell her you can't do that and she'll have to find someone else. It'll play on your mind otherwise, even if you don't do it. Stress you don't need.

No, I can't.

If there hasn’t been a single mention of your health then actually I would be pretty pissed off at this. I tend not to like any passive aggressive type comments and would usually go for the ‘’No’ is a complete sentence’ line here.

However, she sounds really rude and in this case I think I might add a bit of pass agg:

’Hi, I am not feeling better, thanks for asking. I am not able to do this for you because I am not feeling like doing this for you. Please do not ask for any more favours.’

You’ll need to ask someone else I’m afraid as I’m very unwell and off work. Then answer no more messages.

Sorry too ill is all you need to say. No need for anything else.

"Still recovering, you'll need to ask someone else."

Do you really have to ask???? Bloody hell man. She doesn't give a shiny shite about you or helping you - why tf would you help her?
Say 'No, I can't,' and don't get drawn into whys and wherefores.

Ridiculous of her. Message back saying you are ill and to ask someone else.

I'm not usually one to spout the Mumsnet sayings because I think a lot are OTT however, there is one I've loved since first reading and is fairly apt here:

Your failure to prepare does not constitute an emergency on my part.

This happened to me several years ago .
when I declined, l got an even more PA message back how it was very disappointing and nothing wishing me better .
I ceased the friendship that day and have hardly spoken to her since . I don’t miss the friendship one bit .

"Hi CF, I'm much too unwell to help at the moment, you'll need to make other arrangements. Have a great trip"

Lots of good replies for you to pick from.

Is this really a friend? They don't sound very friendly.

Colour me shocked that another of their friends (or servants/helpers as they like to think of them) has distanced themselves.

Join that person in saying no.

YANBU. Just answer that you aren't well, hope she gets it sorted, have a good holiday, etc.

I agree with everyone else. Just say you are not feeling well and unable to help out and wish her a lovely holiday and then ignore any other requests from her. Obviously the other person she hoped to take advantage of has gotten the measure of her now as well. I hope you get well soon OP

I think you need to message her to make sure she knows you aren’t covering it for her. As she didn’t bother asking how you are I’d keep the message equally short and reply with something like “Sorry, no, as you know I’m unwell and I’m not going to commit to picking it up if and when I’m better”.

AND DO NOT SAY SORRY TO HER

“I’m afraid I’m not well so I can’t. When I recover I’m going to have loads to do catching up and won’t be able to take on extra things. Enjoy your holiday.”

"No. I'm ill after the medical emergency that you wouldn't help me with. I'm prioritising my health over your bins."

Why wouldn’t she help you out? If she was ill or overwhelmed that would fine. However if it was a one of many times she had refused to help you then it’s time to put your foot down. You need to put your health first either way.

Just say your poorly so you can't.

Absolutely not. And I know this shouldn’t be my main takeaway from this but storing a months worth of milk is pointless as it will go off- can she not call the milk man from her holiday destination and just cancel? Seems such a waste!

But aside from this, I’d absolutely give it to her with this. You’ve distanced yourself from her anyway, she seems like a bad friend so I wouldn’t hold back with saying “I’m quite surprised you think I’d be willing to do this, especially after me asking you for help recently regarding my medical issues and you said no. I think you need to find someone else to pick up the pieces of your poor planning.”

It would be helpful to have more context onthe medical help you requested. E.g. asking a local friend that drives to pick up some paracetamol and pop it by - I agree she should have done that for a friend but asking someone to take time off work to drive you to an appointment would not be a reasonable ask unless close friend and very serious illness.

Basically I can't assume your friend should have helped you without knowing what it is.

Picking up milk for a month sounds weird- why doesn't she cancel it now? That sounds like she might expect you to be grateful for the milk or at worse pay for it.

I have a friend that I would do pretty much anything for, despite not seeing a lot of, because she would do anything for anyone. She is always offering people to help others and users exploit her good nature.

I do always think "Would they do it for me?" when I'm asked a favour. Won't put myself out much for people that wouldn't.

This is a decent response.
None of this is your problem to solve and she's not helped you with any of your challenges so don't feel beholden !