Doing favours for a friend that doesn’t do favours for you

[WasteOfPlateRealEstate]

Do you do favours for people who don’t help you out when you need help?
a friend who I have distanced myself from has just gone on holiday for a month. Recently she wouldn’t help me out in a medical emergency and that cemented my decision to step back. She knows I’m ill at the moment with a nasty infection but I’ve just had a message asking if I’ll put her bins out, collect a delivery and bring her milk in because she’s forgotten to cancel it for the month. She’s not asked if I’m feeling better and the message was all about her and how she was annoyed that another friend had distanced themselves from her. Would I be unreasonable to stay home and not do her bins, get her delivery and bring her milk in? I’m not going to have room in my fridge for a months worth of milk and I haven’t room to be storing a months worth of parcels either. Surely if you’re going away for a month you don’t arrange for deliveries for that time. Last time she did this there was a mix up with parcels that I had to sort out for her. I’m wondering why I did it now because it wasn’t my problem to sort out. She certainly wouldn’t do that kind of favour for me. I might be being a grump with being ill but AIBU?

apologies if this is formatted wrong. I’ve never done a poll before because I was on the app and didn’t have the option to make one or vote.

yes, this.

It’s interesting about the other friend. It’s the second time this year that they have fallen out about the same thing yet they’ve been friends since they were children and are now 60.
I’ve told her no. She will probably expect me to do it another day because I walk past her house every day. Her exH lives as close as I do and she could ask him. She’s very good at moaning about people but then expecting them to do her favours. Friends, neighbours, family, exes. She’ll tell me someone is being awful and the next thing I know she’s gone out shopping with them or for lunch or to some event that she needed a lift to.

A direct hit could be made as she is so thoughtless and self-centred.
“You refused to help when I had a medical emergency. You haven’t asked about my health. Find someone else to sort out your bins, delivery and milk. I’m joining X in distancing myself from you.”
What is there to lose?

Just say no. Don’t explain and certainly don’t apologise when saying no!
If you explain why you can’t, she’ll just carry on asking because the implication is that you would do it otherwise. If you apologise, it reinforces her view that you should help her. She has no right to your help and shouldn’t expect it.

Even better, ignore her.

You don’t want any stress if you’re feeling weedy, so keep it light.

‘Not doing so well, thanks for asking. Can’t do my own housework let alone yours lol’

then stop thinking about her.

She won’t mind - she’ll just move on to someone else.

Don’t get in touch with her. She won’t mind this either. She’s not your friend.

“Sorry, can’t help because I’m ill (remember that medical problem you were unable to help me with?). Good luck finding someone else to do it though.”

And yes, I have had friends like this in the past, which is they’re in the past.

That's it in a nutshell.

I’d leave her on read…

I was taken to A+E with chest pain and asked her to get my child from school because I wouldn’t be back in time to collect her. She views my Dd as her grandchild but said no. She wasn’t busy, she just didn’t want help. By the point I asked her I knew I was being discharged and would get back at the same time as she’d get back with Dd so all she had to do was pick her up. The school is close by too. I am a single parent and have nobody to fall back on in emergencies.

This. ☝️ What a complete CF.

Write back this…

”😂😂😂😂. No.”

You reply: If I were feeling well enough I’d do my own housework. Also, when asking someone for favours because you’re disorganised, try and remember if you’ve recently refused to do anyone a favour when they needed medical attention. And don’t ask that person.

id want to make it really clear I may walk past her house but i won’t be doing any favours.

I'd ignore the message for a few days before responding.

'I can't, I'm really not well'

Sounds like she'll probably drop you if you're no longer useful which is handy for you 👍🏼

What have you responded with @WasteOfPlateRealEstate?

It's times like these that Phoebe's response would be very good for : "I wish I could, but I don't want to'.

Great response! OP, send her this.

So surely it's all cancelled now and only the first week will have the overlap.
I personally would have made up a reasonable white lie, and not done it.
I've been there before and when the shit hit the fan, She threw me to the lions.
So no. I won't help anyone who doesn't help me.

I'd stop speaking to her after she was so unhelpful about collecting your child never mind putting her bins out.

Indeed this

Your extra context for the medical appointment is puzzling. She views your child as a grandchild but didn't want to help in an emergency when she was able to.

Does she do a lot to help you? Will you miss her support if you burn your bridges with her saying no to her favours? Or is she all talk about "viewing as a grandchild" and doesn't actually help you/add to your life in a positive way.

I’ve told her no. She will probably expect me to do it another day because I walk past her house every day.

What did you say to make you think she will expect you to do it another day?!

You really need to be clearer. Say no with a reason

I don’t want to.
You don’t help me.
I am very unwell

etc etc

No she doesn't help much. I'm very independent and will only ask anyone for help if absolutely necessary like being stuck in A+E.

@Volumedelachanel I've told her I can't because I'm ill. She's responded to ask what's wrong with me. It's not connected to the hospital emergency, that was weeks ago, but I'm ill enough that I'm unable to do my usual activities. She knew I was ill and what with so I don't know why she's asking and I won't be explaining.I've noticed no x at the end of all her messages lately. I refuse to be used.

You know she’s slagging you off to others and then being nice to your face too. How she speaks about others to you is how she speaks to others about you.

@FancyBiscuitsLevel yes I bet she does.

Just say no. Theres a reason others are distancing themselves from her.

Great, ignore her asking what's wrong. She's not a friend to you and you owe her nothing, not even an explanation to your 'no'. Going forward if she asks for favours, either completely ignore and don't respond, or say no but don't give a reason why.