Adult daughter relationship with mother

[Axelotolsarecute]

Just looking for other views on this, especially from those with adult children.

I hadn't the best childhood for many reasons. I have had extensive therapy and dealt with this. Some of my childhood was difficult due to my parents marriage, my mother being largely absent emotionally. As an adult I understand this, however it did impact me as a child. As I said, I've dealt with this myself, never confronting my mother, she's old now and I don't want to upset her.

Fast forward to now. I'm in my 40's. I decided to divorce DH for many reasons, emotional neglect being one. My mother will not accept my reasoning and support me. Every phone call is loaded with her disapproval, she said DH is like a son to her and seems to be taking his side, he meanwhile is sitting there looking like he had f**k all to do with the marriage breakdown.

I've been lectured about staying with him for the kids that that's what she did. He's not beating me so what's wrong with me. I long ago decided to never have it out with her about my childhood but I snapped and said her and dad shouldn't have stayed together for us kids, it damaged all of us. But oh no, she's going on and on, judging me and practically looking at me with hate. So I've gone no contact for now.

At this stage I feel, I'm an adult woman, a mother, that she has crossed my boundaries for the last time. She's always been too involved with her kids personal lives, she did something similar to my brother.

Some family are telling me, oh you'll miss her when she's gone, I'd give anything to speak to my mum, it's so hurtful when a child doesn't speak to a parent etc. It seems she has free reign to speak to me as she wants and I'm wrong.

I feel everyone is on my back, I've no support.

I'd be interested in other mum's who have adult kids and their opinion on this.

I know I'm not being unreasonable, my family are toxic at times but I'd appreciate any views, support or advice.

I haven't seen my dm best part of 20 years. I am 53..too old to be dealing with shit....
My dc have chosen not to either... Ages from 35 down to teens.
No phone calls of ill health /bm with cash will work either..
My mh has never been better..

I think no contact makes sense. She's not supporting you. Quite the opposite. Some people cannot understand how toxic some mothers (and fathers) can be so ignore those who say ooh you'll miss her.
Best of luck going forward OP and stay strong.

Just do what is right for you

Well you might miss her when she's gone but that doesn't mean you have to put up with her shit now

Yeh you don't need that. I think I'd say something like -

I am divorcing. It's my choice and I don't want to discuss it further as it is upsetting for everyone. Please don't bring it up anymore.

Then, if she does say
I'm going to take a little break from talking to you because I find you bringing up the divorce really upsetting. Shall we try again catching up in a month?

I’d go with this. Make it clear it will not be discussed and if she raises it the call will end. And then follow through immediately.

Do what's best for you and look after yourself. That's what a supportive mum would want for you. Your mum should be on your side. Always. That she isn't speaks volumes about her.

Looking at you with hate is the same reason I don’t see my mother at the moment.

I really affects you mentally to have to deal with it

Because I've not had a good family model as a child, is it the case that mum's should always support their kids? Particularly when I've done zero to deserve this, in fact I've put up with a lot of s**t from DH for years.

I cut her off once before about my divorce but she kept going, passive aggressively which is her MO. Every call, interaction had some level of a jibe, showing her dissatisfaction.

You say your mother is old now and to your credit say you don’t want to upset her. I’ve had some involvement with estrangement as a volunteer and estrangement devastates parents. Can’t you cut back considerably and perhaps try and leave a few lines of communication open. Sounds as though you’ve had a rough childhood but I expect your mother’s perspective is different. I’m sure the negatives are true, but are there some positives you’re overlooking? Children of course see how parents behave, we’re the children’s first role models, it’s not surprising therefore that children of parents who’ve estranged themselves from their birth families are more likely than other children to estrange themselves in turn from their parents. That fact alone should encourage caution. That you need support with your marriage breakdown is unsurprising (and that is 100% your decision), can siblings help, both with your support and as an intermediary with your mother? I hope the situation improves.

OP just do what is right for you. I love my mum but they do not have the authority to be right. I've often deployed "Eff off mum you are talking shite" because I'm too long in the tooth to give a shit.

NC if it's the right answer for you.

And good luck moving on from the ex. I'm a lone parent and it's way better than having a crap man around.

I do struggle with the word “toxic” which is nowadays used so frequently. This is a quote from a psychiatrist “When we apply the concept of toxicity too readily, we miss out on chances to repair ruptures in relationships and grow together, chances at work to figure out if a change is needed and approach it with more of a plan”. Of course a very few parents are ghastly to their children, we don’t need reminding as to what’s currently in the news, However more often the situation is not so black and white and using the word “toxic” seems to be just shorthand for all the problems is with the other person and none with me. I know I’m going against stream in this conversation but I’ve seen a few families torn apart, children losing grandparents to their detriment. This will sometimes be unavoidable but sometimes not.

Get her to fuck. Fully support you cutting her off.

Is that how you like to be treated?

Thank you to everyone for all your different perspectives, it is much appreciated.

Today, I just feel I've no one by my side, so thank you again.

You say you don't want to upset your mother by bringing up your childhood, however I suggest the other reason is that she won't accept your point of view anyway.

You have been "kind" in trying not to upset her, but she sees no issue in upsetting you.

I've gone NC with my own mother for similar reasons. Her every comment was critical and insulting. It's hurtful when your own mother won't support you.
It's frustrating when well meaning friends with lovely parents make comments about "but she's your mother" and "you'll miss her when you're gone". They are not helpful (and I certainly won't miss my mother when she is gone; I'll be relieved).

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread on relationships. It's full of women who have toxic parents and are trying to negotiate their relationship.

Thank you, I didn't know about that Stately Homes section, I'll take a look..

I'm so hurt but I shouldn't be surprised, my entire relationship and approval/love from her has been conditional. I've spent my life looking for her approval and I've just had enough of it. The sad part is, I married someone similar, emotionally unavailable who didn't love me.

more often the situation is not so black and white
I disagree. And I think we risk wasting swathes of our life looking for the grey because we don't want to accept that there is none.

I genuinely have been a very good daughter. I make it my business to not upset her. I've looked after both my parents in different ways. I continue to ensure my mum is very comfortable financially as she was left broke after my dad died. I do that myself, not my brothers, I never want thanks for it or make a big deal of it.

I think some of it is that she's very bitter about her own life now that she's older. I guess she existed in an era where men were the bosses, the women second best, I've always felt that's her view. So now that I've made a choice for my own happiness, she can't or won't accept it. What right have I to be happy etc. Perhaps she wishes she could have done what I have.

I've tried to figure my mum out for year's, I've empathised, sympathised and tried to understand. I just don't understand this.

I am concerned about hearing of threads full of people with “toxic parents”, with apparently no questioning of whether this ugly term is ever exaggerated. Don’t we think of how much we do for our children and how much we love them and think that most parents of the higher generation were the same. Are these threads full of people egging one another one and seeing estrangement as some sort of independence statement? Can’t we please be gentler with one another and remember you may well be planting the seeds for how your children will treat you when you’re adults.

This ‘Miss her when she’s gone’ trope is utter pish. Just a platitude rolled out by folk who have none of your lived experience that just makes you question yourself more and more.
Miss her when she’s gone???? Miss what exactly? The utopian version of what all mums should be, that’s what! And you’re already missing this because she never provided it. She is another human being who ultimately should have your back rather than making you like her to justify your own life choices.
Be kind to yourself. You’re doing great! Your feelings are valid, as are your reasons. Hugs

Funkyslippers is correct btw. I’m just using the quote!!

‘Her own life choices’
gah!!! Must check before posting

You clearly have a lovely family, which means you have no idea of the dynamics of the sort of family that OP has been brought up in and has suffered all her life.

She has tried to "be gentle" with her mother and has suffered abuse back. I don't think that people should have to tolerate abuse from others, just because they are related to them.
I also think that OP will treat her own children differently, so no sowing any seeds. If anything, showing them that they don't have to tolerate bad behaviour is a really positive thing.

Don't listen to family and posters who come up with sentimental crap like 'you'll miss her when she's gone' and 'I'd give anything to have my mum back for a day'. It's just emotional blackmail from people who don't have a mum like yours.

Your mum didn't support you as a child and now she is actually supporting your ex husband.

Going no contact will give you some breathing space. Don't feel guilty. I bet she doesn't feel guilty or have any remorse about your childhood.