AIBU to push my husband to pursue a leadership role after some unexpected advice?

[BeAzureRobin]

I need some perspective here. I (30s, F) have been married to my husband (30s, M) for years. He's always been loyal and hardworking but sometimes too modest for his own good, especially when it comes to advancing at work. Recently, he had an odd but intriguing encounter with a few “industry experts” who are known for their uncanny ability to predict career trajectories. They told him he was destined for a big promotion, but only if he took some bold, proactive steps.

Now, my husband is usually quite cautious, but I saw this as a golden opportunity. I encouraged him (maybe a bit forcefully) to take their advice seriously, reminding him that he’s more than capable of reaching the top. I even suggested that he might need to be a bit ruthless and stop worrying so much about what others think. If he wanted to secure a better future for us, he had to go for it, no matter what.

To my surprise, he listened to me, made some decisive moves, and, just as predicted, he’s now in a top leadership role. However, since stepping up, he’s become a completely different person—he’s anxious, can't sleep, and keeps obsessing over some vague warnings those experts gave him about his success being at risk. He’s even grown paranoid, convinced that others are plotting against him to take away what he’s earned.

There’s also been some drama at his workplace. A colleague of his, who was seen as a potential rival, left suddenly under mysterious circumstances, which has only added to his stress. People are gossiping, and now my husband blames me for pushing him too hard. He says I’ve turned him into someone he doesn’t recognize and that I’ve ruined his peace of mind.

Friends are split on this. Some think I was just being supportive by motivating him to seize an opportunity he was too scared to take. Others say I pushed him too far, especially by encouraging him to trust the advice of those odd "experts."

So, AIBU to have encouraged my husband to believe in those predictions and pursue a more aggressive career path? I thought I was helping him reach his potential, but now I’m not so sure...

This isn't going to end well for you, OP.

Maybe he’ll feel better tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

Out, damned spot!

Anyway, this story does not end well for you, @BeAzureRobin . You die offstage and that husband of yours doesn't even CARE.

what role do you have/have you had? You sound like the parents who stand on the edges of kids sports offering advice and berating their kids despite being totally incapable of doing the thing the child is.

I would if I thought any of my yr 11s were actually doing them! Or any revision, to be fair.

@BeAzureRobin Could he get some coaching or mentoring? Leadership is a skill and it can be learned like anything else. Of course there is more pressure with more seniority but lots of pretty mediocre people manage to progress in their careers so it's not impossible to overcome. Your DH should speak to his bosses or someone else senior in the industry and see what training is available. Good luck to you both.

I am waiting for an AIBU from a home educator in Yorkshire who is in love with her employer. She suspects he's got a crazy ex.

Remember that some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them.

Are your hands clean yet. I think you may need some support for your sleep walking.

I am sorry for your fertility problems and the babies you have lost but I think your husband may be taking his revenge on a rival's family.

That ship might have sailed

YANBU to give him the advice, but I think you need to be realistic about the consequences and let him step back if it's not really right for him. Leadership is not for everyone and if it's having an impact on quality of life/mental health, that is not a price worth paying for being on top.

I have a MIL who is the sort of person always to push one to do more and I've sometimes been annoyed at her suggesting I should do this or that at work to get ahead, or to start my own business, as I'm just not keen to be senior (I think I would just cry if I ever had to discipline anyone or let them go) and I think I am totally the wrong kind of person to start my own business (I hate uncertainty and risk) so I don't go there

Yeah, killing your boss tends to mean they aren't around to mentor you any more!

Whose pretty chickens in one fell swoop?

Arguably she's making a better job of it than that lot over in Denmark, which is in a rotten state.

You need to ‘screw your courage to the sticking place and not fail your husband.’

I’d also get some counselling as I believe you have Daddy issues and are projecting.

You may of course be dealing with a real life issue…

You encouraged him and that’s fine. Maybe it will just take some time to adjust. But keep an eye on him, it might be too much for him. Can he get a mentor?

This has to be ChatGBP surely? Bizarre post if not.

Don't worry guys, AI doesn't really have husbands.

Politics

You pushed him to secure a better future, not for himself, but for you.
Most ambitious people are driven, without needing to be pushed so hard. That he needed such a push should have been a sign, that it's not really him.

Then you like him having "power"? He can't take the heat and hes not happy in that position.

There's a difference in being supportive and over pushy. You were the latter.

It would have been better to say you agreed with the so called experts, but it's ultimately good decision and you'll be happy whatever he decides.

This is complete AI bollox.

But ........do you find you are washing your hands a lot recently?

Not everyone can learn how to be a good leader.

I've been in HR for over 30 years and not ever manager is effective, despite training. You do need some natural characteristics in you to begin with.

The OPs husband needing to be pushed so much for this role, makes me think, it's just not in him.

Leadership is not for everyone.

You sound like my ex husband, he used to make comments like that only to put me down in the next sentence by saying I was too afraid to do it. It's quite manipulative.

Why would any loving spouse want to see their partner anxious?!

You are joking, right?

Recently, he had an odd but intriguing encounter with a few “industry experts” who are known for their uncanny ability to predict career trajectories. They told him he was destined for a big promotion, but only if he took some bold, proactive steps.

who "knows" these geniuses with their uncanny predictive abilities? Sounds like the career coaching equivalents of Mystic Meg talking a load of bollox. How can they possibly predict his life and what choices he'll make, to know his destiny?

please, do your DH a favour and stop getting sucked in. Are you always so gullible?

Why is Lady Macbeth posting on Mumsnet?