AIBU to push my husband to pursue a leadership role after some unexpected advice?

[BeAzureRobin]

I need some perspective here. I (30s, F) have been married to my husband (30s, M) for years. He's always been loyal and hardworking but sometimes too modest for his own good, especially when it comes to advancing at work. Recently, he had an odd but intriguing encounter with a few “industry experts” who are known for their uncanny ability to predict career trajectories. They told him he was destined for a big promotion, but only if he took some bold, proactive steps.

Now, my husband is usually quite cautious, but I saw this as a golden opportunity. I encouraged him (maybe a bit forcefully) to take their advice seriously, reminding him that he’s more than capable of reaching the top. I even suggested that he might need to be a bit ruthless and stop worrying so much about what others think. If he wanted to secure a better future for us, he had to go for it, no matter what.

To my surprise, he listened to me, made some decisive moves, and, just as predicted, he’s now in a top leadership role. However, since stepping up, he’s become a completely different person—he’s anxious, can't sleep, and keeps obsessing over some vague warnings those experts gave him about his success being at risk. He’s even grown paranoid, convinced that others are plotting against him to take away what he’s earned.

There’s also been some drama at his workplace. A colleague of his, who was seen as a potential rival, left suddenly under mysterious circumstances, which has only added to his stress. People are gossiping, and now my husband blames me for pushing him too hard. He says I’ve turned him into someone he doesn’t recognize and that I’ve ruined his peace of mind.

Friends are split on this. Some think I was just being supportive by motivating him to seize an opportunity he was too scared to take. Others say I pushed him too far, especially by encouraging him to trust the advice of those odd "experts."

So, AIBU to have encouraged my husband to believe in those predictions and pursue a more aggressive career path? I thought I was helping him reach his potential, but now I’m not so sure...

there's a difference between supporting/encouraging and pushing someone into something they feel uncomfortable about.

How would you feel if he pushed you into a role that you didn't really want.

How is your career OP? Are you in a high powered role yourself?

If not, you won't understand how this new responsibility might be stressing the f out of him.

Lordy. It’s like Justin as Scrooge.

Assuming this isn't a troll post, not everyone enjoys management, some hate it. Sounds like he could use counselling if he's being paranoid, but he might be better off in a different role.

Queen of Scotland's a fairly high powered role.

If he can't handle his own career and associated decision making then he should change jobs. It's not your fault or responsibility to force or coerce him to work at a certain level professionally.

Yes but cutting ribbons and looking radiant can be a bit stifling. I think OP would be better getting a more fulfilling job. I suggest maybe traffic warden, or planning officer.

I'm confused as to what they are gossiping about, and what his anxiety steps from. Fear of what? What's the worst that can happen? He loses his Job and needs to get another one, so? Most of us end up getting another job. Tell him to put his cv out there and look for something else if he doesn't like this job.

Are you Scottish? Have you seen any Spirits/Ghosts/witches lately? How are you with hand hygiene?

It sounds to me like he wasn't quite ready for that level of leadership or responsibility. The anxiety he is now feeling is because he is out of his comfort zone, sometimes people cope with that and thrive and sometimes if leads to anxiety, stress and burnout. Maybe he feels under pressure to stay in this role so he doesn't disappoint you. Tell him you love him and I'd he wants to take step down you Will support him. Just knowing that might be enough for him x

I am not keen on the facetious Lady Macbeth analogies but the language you use is a bit weird and abstract.

What is this "odd but intriguing encounter" (eh? in a wood?) with a few “industry experts” (within quotes mind you) who are known for their uncanny ability to predict career trajectories. Are they recruitment agents/head hunters trying to sell him a new role? Yeah, they will say anything. Who ever uses the word 'predict' in a career context? It does sound a little witchy.

What would these "bold moves" he made entail? Did he move to another company or companies or was it an internal promotion or sideways move? People don't just make "bold moves" like John Travolta.

How do you spot someone "standing on the brink of greatness". What is so special about him that no one else has especially if he did not have obvious leadership qualities to begin with. Is his skill in such limited supply and demand that he could command any role? Let me know what it is so I can tell my son who is making his UCAS applications now.

You are overthinking this. Perhaps you both need to take a holiday somewhere warm? But watch out for ambulant vegetation and do be scrupulous about personal care, especially handwashing.

Good luck in your mocks, OP.

😂😂😂

I'm pretty sure Lady M understands a thing or two about stress!

I've ASd you and you've suffered huge losses, OP - and the way people treat and speak to/about women is awful when they have done nothing wrong. Those 'industry experts' have used knowledge of the terrible situation you are in to take advantage of you and your DH for their own reasons.

Unfortunately, something is rotten in society where women are consistently blamed for things that are without all remedy and then treated as though they are mad, bad and witches.

I see you and I see your pain at your losses and ongoing heartbreak and fear each month; you should have support and comfort, not mere dismissal in the form of being told repeatedly 'what's done is done' and being expected to just brush it off and try again whether you want to or not.

All women should have agency over their reproductive choices and should have the right to the best medical and psychological care - and whilst others may take your comments as evidence of you being unwomanly and rejecting your God-given role, I can see that they are entirely reasonable and understandable when all it has brought you is the most intense physical and emotional pain with no relief - and, indeed, no sympathy from those who should know better.

I'd strongly suggest that you both undergo counselling for your losses and perhaps seek referral to somebody who is actually competent and qualified in both Obstetrics and Gynaecology to include treatment of your menorrhagia and contraception so that you at least do not have to suffer further trauma and can begin to regain some of your physical strength before deciding what you actually want to do in the future.

In the meantime, please do not encourage your husband to make any drastic changes to his employment status; he may well feel that it is at least something he can actually 'do' in the circumstances, but I fear his own lack of support from his peer group, none of whom appear to have experienced the tragedies you have in their marriages and his ignorance of the realities of your experience means that he may not make the best decisions.

Exactly!!! Stock up on the perfumes of Arabia and tell your DH to watch out for mysteriously moving woods, and colleagues born via CS.😀

Actually, I’m loving the idea of someone just casually starting a conversation about who wasn’t born vaginally in the work canteen over the sandwiches, and surreptitiously making a list…

Better put a few more bars of soap in the Ocado order...

I love threads like these, and the earnest well meaning replies.

Hmmm. Has anyone else noticed that this is basically the plot of Macbeth, minus the murder?

I think all our GCSE English teachers would be quite proud of the responses on this thread 😁 👑🗡️ 🌲

Ahhh, sorry, finally read the other replies and realised that almost everyone has!

Have you actually read any of the responses???

Edit: yes you have... 😀

Thanks for the concern, but honestly, I’m doing fine. It’s my husband who’s struggling with the weight of this role,

Does this comment not bother you? Yes your dh is capable but he's clearly not happy so needs to step back if possible.

But so long as you've got the kudos of having a dh who is at the top of his field that's OK.