AIBU to push my husband to pursue a leadership role after some unexpected advice?

[BeAzureRobin]

I need some perspective here. I (30s, F) have been married to my husband (30s, M) for years. He's always been loyal and hardworking but sometimes too modest for his own good, especially when it comes to advancing at work. Recently, he had an odd but intriguing encounter with a few “industry experts” who are known for their uncanny ability to predict career trajectories. They told him he was destined for a big promotion, but only if he took some bold, proactive steps.

Now, my husband is usually quite cautious, but I saw this as a golden opportunity. I encouraged him (maybe a bit forcefully) to take their advice seriously, reminding him that he’s more than capable of reaching the top. I even suggested that he might need to be a bit ruthless and stop worrying so much about what others think. If he wanted to secure a better future for us, he had to go for it, no matter what.

To my surprise, he listened to me, made some decisive moves, and, just as predicted, he’s now in a top leadership role. However, since stepping up, he’s become a completely different person—he’s anxious, can't sleep, and keeps obsessing over some vague warnings those experts gave him about his success being at risk. He’s even grown paranoid, convinced that others are plotting against him to take away what he’s earned.

There’s also been some drama at his workplace. A colleague of his, who was seen as a potential rival, left suddenly under mysterious circumstances, which has only added to his stress. People are gossiping, and now my husband blames me for pushing him too hard. He says I’ve turned him into someone he doesn’t recognize and that I’ve ruined his peace of mind.

Friends are split on this. Some think I was just being supportive by motivating him to seize an opportunity he was too scared to take. Others say I pushed him too far, especially by encouraging him to trust the advice of those odd "experts."

So, AIBU to have encouraged my husband to believe in those predictions and pursue a more aggressive career path? I thought I was helping him reach his potential, but now I’m not so sure...

@BeAzureRobin I don't think you were wrong for pushing him out of his comfort zone. I do think you are cruel now to refuse to face the fact that hus career advancement is taking a high toll on his MH. You want him to bring home a high income even though it's starting to make him ill. Do you love him? Then reassure him that he can step down anytime he wants to, that his happiness and wellbeing means more than all the money in the world.
Or you can just wait until he's had a nervous breakdown trying to get the maximum out of him before he's used up.

Is the 21st century. Forge your own path.
You'll help him; he'll think he did it all by himself and fuck you off.
Everyone will blame you when it goes tits up. You'll die. Generations of school kids will swear they saw you fall down the stairs.

They will call you 'controllive'.

Focus on your own career, hun

Was he miserable in the smaller job or were you making he feel like he should be miserable for not earning as much as you wanted him to?

@BeAzureRobin didn't read pp! You got me OP on this one. But it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.

This.

Not everyone wants greatness and power. I'm happy bobbing along in my average life. I'd hate power and responsibility.

Double double
Toil and trouble
Fire burn and cauldron bubble…

Has your own stress led to you sleepwalking at all, OP?

Isn't he allowed to think for himself, f this was my husband doing this to meI would have told him to leave me alone and let me apply if I wanted too, maybe he did it to stop you going on about it

I hate this 'i have decided you have potential and you need to do what I say' people do it with children it is controlling

Well I’m convinced.

Mmm, Lady Macbeth might have said the same thing…

Hello. This sounds very hard for you both. Just to offer some thoughts. Being successful’ does not necessarily mean having a leadership role, success can take many forms. You refer to your DH being on the ‘brink of greatness’ but have framed things as a senior role that will make him ‘great’ rather than anything else. I understand you wanted to motivate to him to realise his potential in some way as you see it, but with limited knowledge of what comes with these types of roles. I think your DH may have experienced your encouragement as pressure. You refer to his need to take bold steps to secure a future for you both, but you can also take such steps, the responsibility does not lie only on him. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him, without judging how he feels or what he might want, to work out the best way forward

I nearly believed this one! Didn't see the lady mac thing at all but of course you are spot on

I've no idea what's going on in this thread

You 'forcefully' pushed into doing that he wouldn't have done otherwise. The words you have used include taking more 'agressive' and 'ruthless' approach. Now his mental health is sufferinging. Yeah, I'd say you AIBU.

You don't mention your own career, but I'd suggest you need to focus on that and if you care about your husband's health reassure him you love him no matter what his career status. But do you.

Perhaps it is time to look inwards. Do you feel that you have unfulfilled ambitions of your own? Have you ever given suck? Maybe being "just" a wife and mother is not enough for you. Honestly, OP, there's a whole world out there. You can do it.

A brave Scottish general named Macbeth receives a prophecy from a trio of witches that one day he will become King of Scotland. Consumed by ambition and spurred to action by his wife, Macbeth murders King Duncan and takes the Scottish throne for himself. He is then racked with guilt and paranoia. Forced to commit more and more murders to protect himself from enmity and suspicion, he soon becomes a tyrannical ruler. The bloodbath and consequent civil war swiftly take Macbeth and Lady Macbeth into the realms of madness and death.

What’s done cannot be undone.

Make sure he doesn't run into anyone born by c-section!

Maybe stop wondering if you pushed him too hard and just try and support him now in a position he is clearly thoroughly miserable in.

He hardly sounded miserable in his previous role. Why couldn't you support his happiness not how much money he's bringing in. How unbelievably sad it is that you'd rather him be 'anxious in a position of power' from some 'experts' prediction. I'd forever choose my husband's happiness and mental wellbeing than the kind of life your poor DH has now.

If that had been the other way around, the husband would be slated as being toxic and a narcissist.
Hope you're happy with yourself.

Watch out for moving trees.

How's your sleep? Been having any nightmares and sleep walking recently?

Loving that some folk are still writing serious replies in amongst all the lit crit.

Weirdest thing, OP.... I think I just saw the woods moving, walking in the direction of your house.....

It was the "industry experts" that did it for me😂I've had enough of "experts"