To not want to go on a family holiday?

[Zano]

I have not been getting on with my partner at all whatsoever. If I had money I’d have left ages ago. We have not been intimate in 2 years but had a nice relationship up until the last 7 months. He is very angry and aggressive to my adult daughter and myself but will think it’s our fault. He cannot have a discussion/disagreement without it turning verbally aggressive. I can’t discuss any of my issues with him as he feels attacked and then is nasty to me. He has very low emotional intelligence which has always been the case but the good outweighed the bad. I have went through years of toxic stuff with him and his Mother which tbf has calmed but I feel so resentful and can’t stop thinking of how badly I’ve been treated for the past 25 years. We have adult children and 14 year old twins. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave as I know how much it will impact them. One has autism.
Anyway I have told my partner repeatedly that I am done and have put my name on social housing lists as I cannot afford to private rent, I live in a big city and prices are through the roof, my twins are boy girl and I have older boy girl adult children and they all have their own room.
I could write a list of the things he has done to hurt me but it was always 85% of the time he would try and we got on well and he could be so caring. I don’t think he’s nasty he’s just selfish and not had the best upbringing and his emotional needs were not met. I have done so much work on myself and grown so much, I can’t kid myself on but he seems to be able to and just wants to sweep everything under the carpet but inside my head is screaming! If I try to chat he just swears and goes up to bed. I’ve told him I’m leaving when i can but because im being civil I genuinely don’t think he believes me.

He has booked a holiday for all of us and I just can’t think of anything worse than having to spend time with him and pretend as I am so done. However my younger twins are so excited and are looking forward to it. Should I go for them? I had my first at 19 so I think I am just really burnt out as I’ve always put my children first but I don’t know if I can this time, thinking if the holiday fills me with dread as it feels so fake. I can’t be my genuine self now with him and basically have to put up and shut up which I’m not willing to do. He is not capable of any reflection and I am done doing all of the emotional work with him. Sorry it’s so long.

Yes, they have not seen this the times it has happened, it’s because he talks to her as if she is 16 and she answers him back, he gets really angry, I’ve tried loads to talk to him about how reactive he is

Just so you know, my Mum allowed a man who was not my father to behave like this to me my whole life, treating me differently to the kids she had with him, and I have never forgiven her for it. Step the fuck up

He never touched her he just gets angry, I’ve seen men and woman talk way worse to their children over the years, it’s not right but calling it abuse and phoning the police, there’s no point of me posting as it being taken out of context. The police would laugh if I phoned them, my daughter is fine and cuddles into him, spends time with him willingly, it’s just when they argue I find him to be too aggressive and I don’t like it

It’s her father, she willingly lives here and spends time with him, he only argues more with him as she spend more time with him and they are quite similar

Oh that makes it fine then :)

It doesn’t that’s why I am trying to leave or are you deliberately missing that bit? God help any woman coming on here who was actually being abused, you should get a job with woman’s aid your so lovely

Are people genuinely calling me a monster for staying with a guy who has been a good dad but due to poor mh has been aggressive and flew off the handle a number of times in 25 years? Seriously, I work with real victims, my daughter loves her dad and they have a great relationship, I just can’t trust that he won’t get aggressive in the future hence why I am leaving, my kids would probably choose to stay with him as they see him as the fun one, doesn’t excuse the ways he has behaved on occasion but my children are all happy and thriving

People are ignoring your aibu.

No, you are not. If you are sure your children are safe to go on holiday with their dad you do not have to go. But how will you manage that without upsetting someone?

Good luck with getting out of there, I understand it is not easy to just walk.

You are doing the right thing by leaving, OP. It’s okay if you are not ready to say that he is abusive yet, but literally every single description of him (from a “good” light, not out of context) points to him being an abuser. Abusers don’t only beat up people, there are many types of it.

Please don’t beat yourself up though. You are leaving and it’s better late than never. We underestimate how much our children understand even if they seem happy and thriving. I was a happy, thriving child, now an adult with a plethora of unresolved emotional issues due to an aggressive father. My mother stayed with him, and says he loved / loves us and only ever gave us a happy childhood. The truth from our side is quite different, but it took me many years to be able to word it correctly.

Mental health is no excuse for aggression. Would you excuse your son’s aggressive behaviour to a future daughter-in-law or grandkids, if he also had mental health issues? “He struggles in life, so it’s understandable he gets so angry sometimes”?

Send them on the trip while you figure out what your future holds..

You’ve got to leave him very soon - if you think he’s safe to take the twins then let them go with him otherwise refuse permission and hide their passports.

You give your head a wobble! What are you getting out of this, I listed the reasons I want to leave him, It’s obviously hard to put into context what my experience is but you’re bending yourself backwards trying to make out something that’s not the case. Again if I was genuinely being abused all you have done is place blame on me. I can definitely say I have been the best parent I could be to my children, my daughter in her last year of uni, travels and is asking to pay to come on holiday with us, she’s not an unhappy abused child but there’s been occasions her dad has been aggressive in the way he speaks to her when they have argued, I am not accepting it so I am leaving but my daughter deserves better? What would you have done differently?

But how will you manage that without upsetting someone?

It is okay to upset people, even one’s own family members! OP said she feels like putting herself first after many years of parenting and trying to prioritise her kids. It’s okay if someone gets upset.

Thank you to the people who have answered kindly

Oh this is tricky. My instincts would scream to say, no way go along with this, but are you saying this trip is also a way to alienate your kids from you?

As a third option, maybe see if you can book an extra room?

Sorry you're being given a hard time OP. If you think OP is in an abusive relationship then she is a victim as well, not the bad guy. Stop victim blaming! Words are easy - "LTB" real life is very messy and complicated.

Nice bit of victim blaming @JollyPinkFox.

Quite manipulative and controlling of him to go ahead and book a holiday without checking with you first.
It's tricky.. do you want to go to this holiday destination at all? You could use it as an opportunity to be very clear to him and your twins, that this is the last of it and after this you will be seriously looking into ways to end the relationship. But- you have to follow through with it.
Do you think you'll ever get a council house if you're already living in one? I don't think you would here. Is there any other option? Could you move slightly out of town? Stay with family temporarily?
Of course it will affect your twins. But so will a toxic environment.
If you really don't want to go on the holiday, just tell him that he should have checked with you first- you can't go and he can take the children by himself. It's only a holiday. He'll get over it.

The real victims here are OP's poor kids suffering through dreadful parents