To not want to go on a family holiday?

[Zano]

I have not been getting on with my partner at all whatsoever. If I had money I’d have left ages ago. We have not been intimate in 2 years but had a nice relationship up until the last 7 months. He is very angry and aggressive to my adult daughter and myself but will think it’s our fault. He cannot have a discussion/disagreement without it turning verbally aggressive. I can’t discuss any of my issues with him as he feels attacked and then is nasty to me. He has very low emotional intelligence which has always been the case but the good outweighed the bad. I have went through years of toxic stuff with him and his Mother which tbf has calmed but I feel so resentful and can’t stop thinking of how badly I’ve been treated for the past 25 years. We have adult children and 14 year old twins. I feel so guilty about wanting to leave as I know how much it will impact them. One has autism.
Anyway I have told my partner repeatedly that I am done and have put my name on social housing lists as I cannot afford to private rent, I live in a big city and prices are through the roof, my twins are boy girl and I have older boy girl adult children and they all have their own room.
I could write a list of the things he has done to hurt me but it was always 85% of the time he would try and we got on well and he could be so caring. I don’t think he’s nasty he’s just selfish and not had the best upbringing and his emotional needs were not met. I have done so much work on myself and grown so much, I can’t kid myself on but he seems to be able to and just wants to sweep everything under the carpet but inside my head is screaming! If I try to chat he just swears and goes up to bed. I’ve told him I’m leaving when i can but because im being civil I genuinely don’t think he believes me.

He has booked a holiday for all of us and I just can’t think of anything worse than having to spend time with him and pretend as I am so done. However my younger twins are so excited and are looking forward to it. Should I go for them? I had my first at 19 so I think I am just really burnt out as I’ve always put my children first but I don’t know if I can this time, thinking if the holiday fills me with dread as it feels so fake. I can’t be my genuine self now with him and basically have to put up and shut up which I’m not willing to do. He is not capable of any reflection and I am done doing all of the emotional work with him. Sorry it’s so long.

In the past 7 months he has had poor mh and on 3 occasions been aggressive whilst arguing with my daughter, this has happened maybe 3 times when she was a teenager and he apologised profusely, I stated that that I did not like how he speaks to her and there is no need for the aggression with me or her and if it didn’t stop I would leave, he’s obviously did it again in the past 7 months and now I am leaving, aggressive as in he swears whilst arguing and I do not like that whilst I know other households where this is normal, the main issue is he doesn’t reflect or take accountability. Sorry I wasn’t clear enough in my op for you, others have appeared to understand and answer with advice and kindness, I’m in a bad place mentally so if you could kindly stop replying to me that would be good, and I hope you don’t ever work with vulnerable woman fleeing domestic violence as your attitude is stinking and nasty

All the OP did was correct someone who assumed the husband is physically violent towards the children. That's not her failing to get her story straight, it's just typical mn where, instead of asking questions, posters leap to conclusions based on very little.

Aren't you technically willingly living there too? Like your daughter? As you have said, it's not abusive how he is.

Thank you, I am not good with explaining things and it’s hard to explain a 25 year relationship, if my children were in any way being abused I would go to woman’s aid and have left, it still doesn’t make it right what he has done and I don’t trust he won’t react like that again and that’s why I am leaving, the irony is my daughter will probably choose to stay with him whilst people are calling me awful

If I were you @Zano I’d ask MNHQ to move this to Relationships. Hopefully it will stop the pile on.

STOP 🛑 VICTIM BLAMING!! The OP is not a bad mother. How nasty!

Actually you do need to give your head a wobble @JollyPinkFox, you are victim blaming and jumping to conclusions based on the original post which the OP has since clarified. Family life isn’t perfect 24/7, people have disagreements, people argue, parents are not perfect. It’s trying to find a balance between the lesser evils sometimes, and clearly OP feels the balance is tipping enough to make her want to leave. Also her original question wasn’t anything to do with asking for advice or criticism on her relationship, but rather what she should do about a family holiday which you haven’t made any constructive comment about yet

How am I a dreadful parent for wanting to leave after my partner on 3 occasions over 7 months was aggressive/angry whilst arguing with his 22 year old daughter?

I’m reporting your posts @JollyPinkFox.

ok…would you like a medal?

Verbal aggression is emotional abuse. Working in the criminal justice system you would know this.

I wonder if you need some counselling to talk all this through, it appears that you are too proud to admit how bad he is- that you're not like those other poor abused women.

Thank you, you have explained it better than me, for most of our family life it’s been amazing and living and fun, he is very reactive and it has gotten worse because he was too aggressive in his tone whilst arguing with my daughter and I don’t like it therefore I want to leave but somehow I am living with an abuser and abused children. I obviously messed up my op but have tried to explain what I mean better. Has no one’s mother or father, sister never in their lives been quite aggressive whilst arguing? I see it all the time even in public but as you say it’s too much now and inexcusable when my daughter and I have explained that it is not nice and he needs to think how he speaks to people. I see it every day with men on the road. Again it’s not ok but the way people are calling me a terrible mother is really unfair especially as I am leaving as I won’t accept it

I’m not too proud, I am leaving? How do I not know? I am saying it’s not comparable with what people are aligning it with and believe me it’s nothing like what my clients are like or what my clients have experienced, that’s really minimising their experience and being disingenuous about mine

The responses to this post are truly disgusting. This lady has explained herself on more than enough occasions but as usual the trolls who want to cause an argument, stir up issues have excelled. They clearly have very little going on in their lives.

OP I certainly do not think you or your children are at risk from your partner. If he is able to seek counselling, speak to his GP re his outbursts.

About the holiday, I probably wouldn't go but I wouldn't stop the twins going if they're excited. If I were to go I would want to have a proper discussion with OH prior. Have you considered couples counselling?

All the best x

Thank you so much for this reasoned response, that poster is awful, my mh is really poor just now knowing my family life is coming to an end, I don’t think counselling would work as I’m way done now. I was just wondering if I should suck it up for the kids as I don’t want to upset them by not going but I’ll need to put on my own life jacket first x