Weddings.

[aiders]

My third son recently got married. I was the one who hired the hall, brought all the decorations (everything from chair covers to table cloths), brought the buffet dinner (and cooked it) I contributed to a "party bus" to take us from the town hall to the venue. I even brought my son his suit. The brides family brought her dress and went on the honeymoon with the couple. (While I babysat their children) I had recently lost my father, and was dealing with his estate (something that I am still contending with some 6 months later) so my stress levels were beyond my "norm" (though I am not making any excuses). The night before the wedding my son came to my house in the early hours of the morning (I was up to my eyeballs making sausage rolls, something that he loves). We ended up arguing, needless to say that there was alcohol involved. A certain comment from my son really hurt though. He was eating the things I was cooking and I had asked him not to. Then I said: "I am working hard here.. what has your mother in law done"
To which he replied "She gave us x (amount of money) for our honeymoon"
Up until the afternoon of the wedding I vowed I would not be attending. I was furious. Then a friend had reminded me that my daughter in law was not going to understand what had happened and with about half hour to "spare" I relented. (After all up to that point I considered that we had a very good relationship) I was not the happiest on the day though. I was tired, and deeply hurt by the comments my son had made. Things also took a turn for the worse, with the daughter in laws mother acting as though it was "her day". This did infuriate me. She had accused me of taking her phone during a sit down lunch, we were both signing as witnesses and she snatched the pen from my hand so she could "pose" and several little things left me thinking "what the hell have I done" Fast forward to the time after the wedding. I sounded off to another one of my sons and his partner afterwards. The partner was the maid of honour, and during the honeymoon was constantly on the phone to the couple. She repeated my sounding off to the bride. They returned home, and I was "summoned" to their home. My son would not talk to me.. he stormed off and his wife had gotten it into her head that I was the most awful of person, that her mother was not a bad person (therefore I must be) and basically has "cut me off". I never so much as got a thank you for everything that I had done. Fast forward. Now another one of my sons is getting married (the one that I sounded off to). His intended is the bride and the maid of honour is my daughter in law. Her mother has been invited and though I have said I will sit down and talk to her it appears as though she has not responded. In the meantime there is contentions in the family, and I am disliking it. I am not sure why she is being invited, but it is there wedding. (They have cut me out of any preparations..) I have been given a colour scheme to wear, and that is about it. I feel as though I am "just a guest" though it is my son getting married, it seems the bride is favouring the maid of honours mother. (Planning the engagement party around her, the day of the wedding in line with the days she has off of work) I keep asking my son when is he coming over to visit and it seems he keeps brushing me off.. (before the new year..!) As I have said I am willing to sit down and talk to the woman, but I will not apologise for the way that I felt, I am not being invalidated like that. Currently I feel like a "leper" Am I just being over sensitive over the whole thing?

No one else think it's odd that the in-laws went in the honeymoon while OP sat at home looking after the children...?

You are still grieving, your son's will hopefully realise that any unusual behaviour is out of character. Try getting into bereavement therapy.
Maybe afterwards you can talk to your son's with a clearer head, 6 months is such a short time, cut your son's some slack aswell as they have also lost their father. Dealing with a wedding, we'll I don't know how you all did it, but recognise you're are probably all lashing out over the slightest thing.
All the best OP, you sound like you are hurting .

This is all YOUR fault. Take some responsibility and stop blaming other people.

You asked what MIL has done, you fell out with your son the night before his wedding (and there was nothing wrong with his answer you bloody well asked what MIL has contributed and he told you), you threatened not to attend his wedding, you made the day all about you, you slagged off his wife and alienated your other new DIL, you’re carrying on a feud with the MIL, and you are still making everything, including your other son’s upcoming wedding, all about you!!

You’re lucky you’re invited at all! Get a grip of yourself, wise up, apologise, and behave yourself at this wedding before your sons cut you off for good.

She must have agreed

I think it's really unfortunate that you are going through such a hard time and equally unfortunate that the people around you didn't seem to acknowledge this and give you some grace. However when it got to the point of threatening not to come to the wedding and leaving your son wondering until the very last minute of his own mother would be there, It would take me a long time to forgive you for that. What should have been an exciting day leading up to the ceremony, he had to spend not sure if his mother would be there.
It's all easy for me to say because my kids are still small, but so far it seems to me that a big part of having kids is showing up for them even when they're acting like assholes. Especially for the big stuff.

total up how much you actually spent on the wedding as you will probably find it equals the cash donation for honeymoon.

also who takes their parents on their honeymoon. Plus you looked after kids.

this time round you get to enjoy the wedding as a guest. No preparation. You can relax and get ready etc
make a cash donation and don’t offer to look after grandkids

So you said your DIL cut you off. Is that still the case, or are you ok now?

You're unreasonable for using the word brought instead of bought.

I'm not sure what he said that was so out of order? That she had paid for the honeymoon? Well she did, and it was you who turned it into a competition.

You also feel like you're just a guest at your other sons wedding, and you are? Whats the problem with that?

You sound very immature and thrive off family spats.

I feel like part of the story is missing - namely the reason you brought your son’s MIL into things. I can see you getting annoyed at him casually scoffing the wedding food when you were still working the night before, but what did he say to make you bring her into it?

Is it possible that there was a genuine misunderstanding over his comments about MIL to be paying for the honeymoon? You felt like “I’ve paid for XYZ, have done all this preparation and he’s still moaning I didn’t pay towards the honeymoon” - and I understand why that would be hurtful - but he was genuinely just correcting you to confirm that MIL had in fact made a key contribution.

Either way, to threaten to boycott the wedding, only to change your mind at the very last minute, is a very extreme reaction, and one guaranteed to cause upset. You then shared your annoyance with your other son and his fiancée, knowing very well that the two women were close enough to be one another’s maids of honour. You must have known that information would get back to your son and DIL. Can you really not see that this looked like a deliberate attempt to create more drama and make it about you?

You need to significantly pull back this time around. Don’t interfere with the arrangements or guest list and don’t get snippy about not being asked to do XYZ.

“What has your mother in law done?” - It sounds like you have had the issue with the in-laws since before the wedding. I’m guessing there is a backstory to this that hasn’t been included.

You need to learn to keep your mouth firmly shut. Clearly you are hurt nevertheless, least said soon as mended.

Did they all have to beg you to go to the wedding? Sounds like you had to take the attention away from everyone and bring it back to you

It seems fron reading that you had a lot of dislike for DIL’s mum before any of this happened, so it comes across a bit biased. In the argument with your son there wasn’t really any reason to say “I’m working hard here whats your mother in law done”, it almost seems irrelevant to the issue of him eating the food you’d made and asked him not to, essentially like you were trying to bring her into it, so I can see why he’d potentially get his back up a bit over it. Not saying that he of course shouldn’t have been eating the food you were working hard to make and definitely should have been more grateful, he was in the wrong in that aspect, but you do seem to have a bit of a vendetta against the MIL.

Again I can see why you’d be getting a bit annoyed at her acting like the days all about her, but again if the bride didn’t care then you probably shouldn’t have and I definitely think ‘sounding off’ to other wedding guests was a terrible idea, especially if the sons partner was the DIL’s MOH, of course she’s going to tell her the things you said about her mum. This should have been something you spoke to your son of ranted about very privately, not at a wedding reception.

I would suggest maybe talking to someone about how you feel. It sounds like you are not very good at dealing with stress and could do with some one on one time getting yourself feeling better so you don't take your feelings out on other people. It may help to have a sounding board that isn't family too, so you can speak in confidence without it being reported back.

Adults with kids get parents to pay for & organise everything.

Baffling.

Perhaps more baffling is that the parents did it!

Bought*

This ^ Why did you kick off whilst you were making the sausage rolls? If my son told me his MIL was paying for a honeymoon I’d have said “oooo very nice”.

Really? You seem to be hyper focused on who's more important in a wedding and prepared to wreck your relationship with a son (and new daughter in-law) over relatively minor things. Weddings are about celebrating two people and their love. It's about two families coming together and supporting them on the first steps of building a strong bond and potentially a future family of their own.
It's not the time to undermine the budding inter family ties and being a proud mother of the bride or being mistaken about where her phone was, isn't the strongest reason to slag her off. You needed to address your issues with your son himself regarding eating the food and him not seeming to be grateful for the preparation and paying for things.
You said that alcohol was involved, that's going to be a contributing factor, as is stress of the wedding. So neither of you were in the right headspace. Threatening to boycott the wedding was very emotionally manipulative and way over the top.
Next time you feel like "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", remember what you are risking. A loving and supportive relationship with your son and his wife as well as with any future grandchildren. Think back to the days when he was young and you got through the difficult times, the nights when you sat up with him when he was sick. Or when you went to school plays or awards and we're so proud of him. Think about how difficult it will be to be out of contact with one son but expect your other one to have a close relationship with you still. Not even mentioning how awful it will be for the second son to be piggy in the middle between the two of you. Then consider how important it was that your son ate a bit of the food you were making for the wedding against your wishes.

As far as the bride's mum knows, you threatened to cause a massive upset by not turning up to the wedding. Her daughter will have been very upset, not just for herself but seeing the person who she loves being upset. In the same way that you vented your feelings to your second son, the bride would most likely have turned to her mum for support. To the bride and her family, it would have felt like you were punishing her, when she didn't do anything to deserve it.
So it's likely that the feeling of being "a leper" may have been related to the fall out of that.

Apologising for the way something affects someone else, isn't invalidating your feelings you had. It's understandable that you felt unappreciated and probably still do. However you could have handled it better than you did and in a way, at a time more suitable. That's what you need to apologise for, not for being upset.

Are you really surprised that your next son, doesn't want anything like that to happen again!

Do you think you might accidentally be a little controlling? I have a friend who does all the things you did and then wonders why people are not appreciative. It is normally the brides mum who is mainly involved and yes, the grooms mum is often more of a guest ( I liked that).
Perhaps people feel that the the mil was badly treated by you because you wanted to be in the spotlight? Maybe the second dil is trying to make up for this? Maybe she just likes the matron of honours mum. There are plenty of reasons but you saying you were not going to attend does sound like the action of a controller. Calling your son’s mother in law “that woman” is atrocious, no wonder your sons find you difficult. I think you need to reign in and go as asked, enjoy the day, be lovely to everyone otherwise you risk losing a close relationship with your sons and their wives.

Ok
First of all, you were going through hugely stressful time with just losing your father.
So your emotions are at a all time high.
It's natural at this time to seek help and warmth from family.
You by the way went out of your way with your actions for your son's wedding.
And your friend sounds amazing for advising you to attend the wedding. You did the right thing by attending.

My honest advice.
When you are hurt, never sound of to people who know the other party. As it is often emotions talking.
Had it been your friend that you sounded off to, she may have helped comfort you and would never have told the other party.
Your daughter In law had no right sharing this info with your other son and daughter In law.

In future, if you need to vent, speak to a non related friend for help.

Sorry about your situation.

Please look after yourself. You are important.

And yeau so her son should be more grateful and even so I find it bizarre the brides mother would tag along on a honeymoon???

That’s a very kind post, @Hididi11 🙂

From your post it very much sounds like you’ve been the problem op sorry to say. Your son and dil can’t control how her family behave but it sounds as though you’ve maybe punished them for it? Nowhere in your post does it sound like your son was ungrateful until you started mouthing off about the in laws.

You were mad to pick a fight with your son on the night before his wedding by making comments about his future MIL, mad to threaten not to attend the wedding over it and mad to complain about the situation to your other son. All of these things escalated a tiny spat into a massive drama.

I would honestly just do what you can to apologise and move on, leaving it in the past. Everyone seems to have behaved badly, so instead of trying to decide exactly who should apologise or take the blame just try to make peace with your family and let the drama go.

You sound like my (otherwise lovely) mum. She runs herself ragged doing everything for everyone. She insists on making things perfect, even at my own wedding, but then has a massive breakdown because she's doing all the hard work, she's utterly exhausted and unappreciated. She can't seem to say no but has ruined many occasions with her breakdowns. She also questioned why my in laws were so shit at organizing my wedding! Even though I had warned them they were shite!

She can't help herself. So now I pre-empt it and don't give her the chance. I didn't let her visit me for the first 2 weeks with my newborn. I didn't have a wedding with my now DH. We don't go to hers for Christmas, she comes to ours so she just has to be a guest. I know she's sad she's not more involved. I love her dearly but I have my own life to live and celebrations to enjoy