Weddings.

[aiders]

My third son recently got married. I was the one who hired the hall, brought all the decorations (everything from chair covers to table cloths), brought the buffet dinner (and cooked it) I contributed to a "party bus" to take us from the town hall to the venue. I even brought my son his suit. The brides family brought her dress and went on the honeymoon with the couple. (While I babysat their children) I had recently lost my father, and was dealing with his estate (something that I am still contending with some 6 months later) so my stress levels were beyond my "norm" (though I am not making any excuses). The night before the wedding my son came to my house in the early hours of the morning (I was up to my eyeballs making sausage rolls, something that he loves). We ended up arguing, needless to say that there was alcohol involved. A certain comment from my son really hurt though. He was eating the things I was cooking and I had asked him not to. Then I said: "I am working hard here.. what has your mother in law done"
To which he replied "She gave us x (amount of money) for our honeymoon"
Up until the afternoon of the wedding I vowed I would not be attending. I was furious. Then a friend had reminded me that my daughter in law was not going to understand what had happened and with about half hour to "spare" I relented. (After all up to that point I considered that we had a very good relationship) I was not the happiest on the day though. I was tired, and deeply hurt by the comments my son had made. Things also took a turn for the worse, with the daughter in laws mother acting as though it was "her day". This did infuriate me. She had accused me of taking her phone during a sit down lunch, we were both signing as witnesses and she snatched the pen from my hand so she could "pose" and several little things left me thinking "what the hell have I done" Fast forward to the time after the wedding. I sounded off to another one of my sons and his partner afterwards. The partner was the maid of honour, and during the honeymoon was constantly on the phone to the couple. She repeated my sounding off to the bride. They returned home, and I was "summoned" to their home. My son would not talk to me.. he stormed off and his wife had gotten it into her head that I was the most awful of person, that her mother was not a bad person (therefore I must be) and basically has "cut me off". I never so much as got a thank you for everything that I had done. Fast forward. Now another one of my sons is getting married (the one that I sounded off to). His intended is the bride and the maid of honour is my daughter in law. Her mother has been invited and though I have said I will sit down and talk to her it appears as though she has not responded. In the meantime there is contentions in the family, and I am disliking it. I am not sure why she is being invited, but it is there wedding. (They have cut me out of any preparations..) I have been given a colour scheme to wear, and that is about it. I feel as though I am "just a guest" though it is my son getting married, it seems the bride is favouring the maid of honours mother. (Planning the engagement party around her, the day of the wedding in line with the days she has off of work) I keep asking my son when is he coming over to visit and it seems he keeps brushing me off.. (before the new year..!) As I have said I am willing to sit down and talk to the woman, but I will not apologise for the way that I felt, I am not being invalidated like that. Currently I feel like a "leper" Am I just being over sensitive over the whole thing?

I don't know if anyone has ever said this to you but here goes.

"Everything is not all about you"

Sounds like you fell out with everyone and then blamed everything on the brides mother for some reason.

Just stop, go to your sons wedding with a smile on your face and say nothing but "what a lovely day" "everyone looks so happy"

I think when you sound like you’re in the wrong, and it’s your version of events, you must have really really behaved badly and been totally and completely in the wrong!!

I think I need to go in depth a bit more. I understand all the "it's your own fault" answers. But honestly that is not who I am. There are questions such as "why did you pay for it and why didn't the bride and groom..." Answer to that is the Bride herself had me come "shopping" with her on more than one occasion. Then she got into the "habit " of showing me what she "wanted" or "would like". I should probably also state that her mum has let her down badly in organising parties before. (A baby shower in the summer where she promised to cook food and set up, ended in me running to grab things for the party as my DIL was extremely upset and was crying.. the engagement party was also being organised by her mum, but she was "to busy" working.. I also work I might add)
I was not the one who was organising a "sit down face to face" meeting. My daughter in law felt that her mother and I should meet up. I agreed to this to calm the air (as my mother would say). My son saying the hurtful things that he had said was more a "dig" "Well she did this... and "all" you done.." and yes I did loose it. I am going to add that my son and I have spoken and we have both apologised for our behaviour that night.

*bought

I am very confused about what was said by your son that upset you so much you thought you might not go to the wedding.
You say he was eating the sausage rolls you made. You didn't want him to and told him you were working hard for him and asked him what the Brides mother was doing for them and he said they had given them money for the honeymoon.
Why did that upset you so much? Surely it's all just factual.
Maybe I'm missing something but I can't see why that would upset you so much

Then she got into the "habit " of showing me what she "wanted" or "would like"

And forced you at gun point to pay for it?? Because if you offered, that's on you OP.

I still don't really see what DIL or her Mum have really done wrong here. You making a martyr of yourself or handing over more money than you want to / handing it over in a bid to be seen as better than someone else is not anyone else's fault but your own.

I think you lost half the battle when you let an alcohol fueled argument with your son at a very stressful time get to you so much you were planning to ruin their wedding by not attending (and drawing all the attention that brings) and then instead turned up, sulked and made the situation no better, no matter what other people did.

Nope. I give up. Brought rather than Bought was bad enough but all the unnecessary " " " " are too much!

Thank you. My eyes were bleeding.

OP...you don't need all the speech marks, they make your posts very difficult to follow.

The word 'brought' means 'to bring' (the 'r' will remind you if you forget).

The word you need is 'bought' which means 'to buy'. You 'bought' lots of things for the wedding, using your own money.

The common denominator here is you.. Everyone is wrong and your right? You gave your vision of events but they are clearly altered from your pov. I'm sorry but someone impartial here you sound bitter and jealous of bride 1s mother. The catty comment then the behaviour at the wedding. You then badmouthed them to your other son and missus. I'm not suprised they want some distance when it comes to their wedding you made an awful scene and likely spoilt their day.

Oh I love a good wedding thread.

OP I'm still not clear. Did the bride force you to buy things? Why did you get upset with DS? Why was everyone going on the honeymoon but you? Was it just your GC you were watching or all your new IL's kids?

I think you are a bit over involved and probably very spontaneous by nature. Take a step back, breathe, and enjoy not having to work for the next wedding. Be a gracious guest, stay calm and don't pester your children about coming to see you. If they feel guilted into coming it's not going to be enjoyable for anyone. Tell them that you love them and that you miss them without guilt tripping vibes (fill your voice with love rather than sadness). Then wait for them to come to you.

Well it sounds to me as though the DiL is a bit if a madam. Her own mother lets her down and doesn’t pay for things even when she offered, but is included on the honeymoon?? DiL should be falling over herself with gratitude that you stepped up, and your DS needs a good smack.

From your update your son & dil sound incredibly grabby.
Why on earth didn’t they pay for their own wedding?
They sound rude and entitled especially since they expected others to pay for the baby shower and engagement party.
I think if you are old enough to have a child then you are old enough to pay your own way.

Why were you so offended that he said his MIL was paying for honeymoon that you threatened not to go to the wedding?

I sometimes wonder how anyone dares to have a big wedding, they can go so horribly wrong.
I can see why you were hurt, OP, that you did most of the hard work leading up to the wedding while the bride's parents got to take them on a lovely holiday (honeymoon) afterwards and spend quality time with them while you babysat. Even when you were doing the final prep, your son stood around eating what you were preparing as though he didn't appreciate your effort. It is maddening. I really get it.
This kind of angry resentment so easily comes out at weddings, and the effects can last for years, even though each couple only has one wedding amidst decades of living daily life as part of an extended family. The daily life is what really matters. Your other son who's now getting married is being careful that you don't work yourself ragged organising his wedding, and that's good. The bride and groom will invite whoever they want, and they want you there, and that's good too. I'd suggest setting aside the past anger and hurt with other extended family members, turning up at the wedding ready to enjoy it as much as you possibly can, smile or nod to everyone even if they are not your favourite person, and accept that feelings run high at these times. Life after that special day is much more important.

Like most people, I think YABVU here.

I mean, you wrote the information , presumably from your perspective, and you still come out of all this very badly.
On some threads I think 'Hmm, it would be interesting to hear the other side of this story / another version of events' but you come out in a very bad light even when you have written what happened.

The fact your Father died 6 months before this wedding and you done all the preparing your son is a disgrace.

I'd take a massive step back from them all OP.

Your son has shown he respects the new inlaws more as they gave some money to him.

Families - who'd have them??!!

It's their wedding let them get on with it. You need to sit back and just be a guest. The wedding where you went "all out" to do things did not work out for you, so learn from previous experience.
If you can sit down with both sons and wives (as individual couples) you could try apologising for any disparaging comments you made. It's no good being a martyr - that will just fuel your resentment and the rifts will be harder to repair.
You were dealing with the recent death of your father and the resulting grief and legalities - that could be the basis on which to build your apology.

@aiders Firstly, sorry for your loss. 6 months is incredibly soon and a big family wedding must have been daunting and really tough without your late DH.
If the behaviour you describe is out of character then reach out to your son, explain and make amends.

If its a pattern then you need to really reflect on how you treat people.

I could have written this story about my own mother. Offers to do things and in exchange wants to control things and be center of attention. Becomes the victim to guilt trip everyone to feel sorry for her so she will get attention. Its always everyone else's fault and she's the victim everyone should rally round. The 'perpetrator' should be ganged up on by anyone who wants to show they care about her.
I have studied her behaviour carefully so that I can break the cycle.
You sound like a narcissist I'm afraid OP. I'd strongly recommend reflecting and really listening to others perspective.

"I tried to ruin my sons wedding but its all everyone's fault because they accepted the help I offered" is what I'm reading.

Becoming part of my husbands more functional family has really exposed how poor her behaviour has always been. DH has made me realise my feelings and needs matter. Having responsibility for my own family's wellbeing has made me better at having boundaries with her to protectus all. I suspect your kids are making their own lives and want to break the cycle if this is something that happens a lot.

I suspect your sons been welcomed into a family and marriage that's made him realise he shouldn't be putting up with behaviour like thus.

He was eating the things I was cooking and I had asked him not to. Then I said: "I am working hard here.. what has your mother in law done”

Presumably you were catering for a fair number of guests? How much could he have eaten that was really going to affect things? Would even be person had gone without because he had a few items? In which case, likely under-catered from the outset.

Probably should have saved the angst and got the Morrison’s platters so hotly debated on the other wedding thread🤣🤣🤣

As the mother of the groom, you do more then enough. He is a grown adult that should show you some respect. It is very easy to write a check. It takes so much love to put the wedding together. Your son is ungrateful and you'll forgive him - like most parents. That said, do yourself a favor and never let him or anyone else forget by never offering your precious time, love or money to any of the ungrateful aholes. Be the guest. Enjoy the food. When it's over, go home and rest. You raised your children, you owe nothing more.

I've found being a mil can be tricky. Best bet is to get on with the dil and her mum. Your son will have to take their side from now on - regardless of what you think is right.

It was your choice to make the sausage rolls, and by the sound of it, you'd been stewing over a few things for a while.

You sound jealous of the mother and that is absolutely pointless. Threatening to not go to the first wedding is why you aren't being involved in the next one.

Maybe lay off the alcohol at the next wedding?

I want to get behind the OP here. I think you are dealing with a lot and your father has just died. I think you are having trouble expressing yourself because everything is still raw and you feel incredibly hurt on top of the fact that you are grieving. In no way do I think this whole thing is about sausage rolls, honeymoons and someone else's Mother! It sounds to me as though your Sons have been taking you for granted for way too long and this came to a head in a silly row about nowt. I think that THEY could make some allowances for your emotions at this time and take some bloody responsibility for themselves.
And, I really hate the N word (narcissist) it is bandied around way too much these days, it seems like a new insult that certain people use to be incredibly hurtful and mean. There are words that could be applied to these people too that have origins in the Mental Health field. Tbh, OP, I would take a step back from the whole lot of them, take your generosity too. Have a rest, go to your other sons wedding if you want, or not, it's up to you and stop picking up for adults who are old enough to pick up for themselves. Leave them to it, you do you. Have a great life.