To have not informed estranged family.

[Mmmcheese89]

18 months ago I had to have a broken bone fixed under general anaesthetic. It was an open procedure involving plates, pins and a cool scar.

I've been estranged from my entire family for over 10 years, so over 9 at the point of surgery. Estranged, no contact AT ALL. Any of them. Not surviving parent, sibling, grandparent or aunts/uncles. It's been a blissfully peaceful decade. The best of my life.

I had a fair bit of time off work and colleagues knew why. Upon my return one colleague in particular couldn't get past the fact I didn't contact my family to let them know. I went in to surgery alone, came out alone. The only non-clinical support I had was my neighbour kindly popping in to feed my pets when I wasn't allowed home same day as planned.

Every couple of months since it gets brought up by this colleague. They're young, still live at home, have very different life experience than me. Not a bad thing in any way. But she just keeps saying how she can't understand/believe I didn't contact them.

I've been polite and brushed it off. I've been stern and said 'Enough now. My private life isn't your concern. I'm evidently ok.' but she just keeps on. Management are ineffectual when I try to raise it further.

So. Even though I am strongly feeling I wasn't.

Was I being unreasonable not to notify my blood relatives of my accident and surgery?

Of course not. At this point though you need to be more direct.

‘thank you for your concern. I understand you mean while but I am getting exhausted by the fact you won’t listen to me. I do not speak to my family. They have no idea about anything in my life and therefore they did not need to know this. It is my decision. Please respect it, if you bring it up again I won’t be so polite, and you’ve had fair warning. But honestly I’m likely to tell you to leave me alone. In a very sweary manner. So please save us both the bother and let it go’.

God know. I've been estranged from my mother for 8 years. Didn't cross my mind to let her know about any operations or illnesses I've had.

Next time id tell her very rudely to mind her own business.

You need to stop telling your business to colleagues (or anyone else your business does not concern). That’s rule 101 of being estranged. Unfortunately, you get people like your colleague, who you tell a little bit of information to, and they go on and on about it. This is especially true when it’s about being estranged. Then you end up being made to feel bad, hence the post, when you didn’t in the first place.

Stop telling people your business.

Omg, no op ❤️

I'm completely estranged from mine, and everyone from my past. I took my baby and started a new life. She's now 5. Best thing I ever did

This colleague sounds like a twat. You need to tell them, in no uncertain terms, in front of management, that they are upsetting you and to stop - don't worry about her being younger, clearly she thinks her opinion on your personal life is so important she needs to bloody harp on about it, she needs to be told!

Congratulations on your freedom 😊 x

My own dps haven't known my business for a long time.
Dm since 2012..
Df since 2000...
I could list a page of incident that haven't occurred to me to tell them about over those years... Df doesn't even know how many dc I have.

Be more firm. Right I have already told you stop commenting on my personal life. And report her every single day she does in writing

I'm not estranged from my family but still didn't tell them when I had surgery, only one knew. I just didn;t think it was any of their business and that they would have been worried unnecessarily if they did know.

Your colleague sounds like a AH, it's none of her business what you do or who you tell. As she won't let it drop make a formal complaint of bullying in the workplace or tell her you refuse to respond to anything on that topic and stick to it.

Sorry op, your colleague is completely out of line.

Not unreasonable at all. Firstly, it was a broken bone, which was no doubt painful (I have been there and done that, so I know how it feels) and exhausting to deal with, but it wasn't a life or death thing. And even if it were, why would you tell people you haven't spoken to for a decade. When I broke my bone, I told my Mum because I needed help and knew she would give it. She turned up three days after my operation, so I also did that part alone. It never even occurred to me that this was something that needed to be announced to the wider family.

Your colleague sounds tiresome. I think I would be very sharp with her next time and maybe that will shut her down for good.

TBF, I didn't tell her. She's a nosey so and so and lurked round a corner eaves dropping as I spoke with a genuine friend who happens to work in the same building. Another reason I shove my hands in my pockets whenever she tries to stir the pot.

Its not that it upsets me. Its just frustrating. Like, get over it because I was never even under it!

I think you need to be quite harsh with her.

Jane, I have told you before that I do not wish to discuss my personal life with you. To be clear, we will not discuss this matter again. If you ever mention this again, I will report to HR, and every time you raise my personal life again. If HR is ineffective in this matter, I will be forced to bring in outside legal counsel to deal with the company, and obviously, this will have a massive impact on you and your career.

She sounds childish and immature, so hopefully, it will give her a sharp shock.

Firstly good on you for reclaiming your life from your family 😃💪🏻. With the pain in the arse colleague I'd go completely grey rock. Next time she brings it up, look at her in a 'wtf' sort of quizzical look and just walk away. She'll be so embarrassed she won't do it again. x

God no! I was semi NC with mine at a time I was followed, attacked and had to go through a criminal court case. No way would I have mentioned any of this to my drama llama family who make everything about themselves. They would have made it all 100x worse. They would have found some way to blame me for a completely random attack by a stranger when I was on my way home from work in my safe, middle class neighborhood, and how the whole thing was upsetting to them.

Tell your colleague if she mentions it again you will report her to HR for harassment.

I didn’t even tell my mother when my baby died. NC is NC! My dad asked if I wanted her to know. NO!

You're not in the wrong OP.

Your colleague sounds like she is projecting something from her own life on to your situation. Someone didn’t tell her something she thought she had the right to know once and she’s taking it out on you.

No need to be polite, just tell her it's none of her business & shut (the fuck) up.

What @SometimesCalmPerson said. Mixed with a heavy dose of emotional immaturity.

We can't change people but we can tell them to mind their own business. I think that's the next course of action.

Good his what an absolute nutter this person is! If she brings it up again I’d be tempted to tell her to just fuck off!

Completely normal. I am NC with my family. I have cancer, might die, have had 2 surgeries so far and having another shortly. Granted I have Dh and dc and dh’s family who provide practical support, but dear god, no I can not imagine anything that would put me in an early grave faster than having to deal with my bloody family on top of recovering from cancer. It would be all about them and I would be a terrible person for getting cancer. Dear god, no. They have no idea where I live. No idea I have cancer. If I am dying, I will not tell them and everyone will be under strict instructions not to contact them at all for any reason if I die.

Like you, it’s been bliss feeling like they fell off the face of the planet. Your co-worker just sounds young and naive and probably quite anxious. I would raise it with HR if it continues because it’s quite an inappropriate level of interest in someone’s private life that shouldn’t necessarily happen in the workplace. I would have probably snapped by now.

Of course you're not unreasonable. I'm soon to go no contact with a family member (already bare minimum but due to an ongoing issue I still have to have some contact). I've even asked the people close to me not to inform that relative of anything at all about me, even if I die before the relative, I don't want them told.
You're colleague sounds incredibly disrespectful to you as well as annoying. They are not living your life so how you live it is of no concern to them! They need to back off.

I think I managed to hit the wrong button, stupid eyesight! You are absolutely not being unreasonable, but I may be the two percent who voted that you are, sorry!

This woman needs to mind her own business. She’s very rude.

Hello OP

This does sound really frustrating

Possibly partly due to immaturity from someone much younger who has not suffered a difficult family and doesnt yet have much life experience
It can be really grating to deal with these kind of sheltered people

My husbands friend used to always make positive comment's about mums knowing that my husband didnt see his mum due to an abusive father
It was really grating and painful to deal with
When my husbands dad had several heart attacks and then died I was really annoyed to be informed by a family member of his failing health
We were NC for 20 years and I was very tight with boundaries and protecting our families boundaries.

If it continues I would further escalate the matter to HR
Good Luck

I think you need to be VERY blunt along the lines of 'are you really that sheltered that you don't realise that the abused and neglected children you read and hear about are real? And that they grow up into adults that cut themselves off from those toxic people in order to preserve their sanity and build a life for themselves? You are judging me, and upsetting me every time you bring this up, have some empathy even if it's a situation you can't comprehend in your own life and drop it'

Be brutally blunt with her. She sounds quite mad. I thought your ‘disclosure’ might have been something that arguably even estranged family might have a right to know, like a death connected to them or something that only you had found out, but your surgeries are no one’s business. I mean, I’m on good terms with my family, but I had three surgeries under GA in 2022 that I didn’t tell family about, as my parents are worriers. It wouldn’t be a weird thing to keep to yourself, regardless of your relationship/lack of relationship with your family.

I would ask her very politely if there is something she would like to share or needs support with. She may have good reason to try and understand what you have been through op. Maybe her own family are awful and she is wondering how you managed to escape.
If it is just nosiness, I would thank her for her concern and say you will not be discussing it again as it’s a private matter. Refuse to engage at all going forward.