To have not informed estranged family.

[Mmmcheese89]

18 months ago I had to have a broken bone fixed under general anaesthetic. It was an open procedure involving plates, pins and a cool scar.

I've been estranged from my entire family for over 10 years, so over 9 at the point of surgery. Estranged, no contact AT ALL. Any of them. Not surviving parent, sibling, grandparent or aunts/uncles. It's been a blissfully peaceful decade. The best of my life.

I had a fair bit of time off work and colleagues knew why. Upon my return one colleague in particular couldn't get past the fact I didn't contact my family to let them know. I went in to surgery alone, came out alone. The only non-clinical support I had was my neighbour kindly popping in to feed my pets when I wasn't allowed home same day as planned.

Every couple of months since it gets brought up by this colleague. They're young, still live at home, have very different life experience than me. Not a bad thing in any way. But she just keeps saying how she can't understand/believe I didn't contact them.

I've been polite and brushed it off. I've been stern and said 'Enough now. My private life isn't your concern. I'm evidently ok.' but she just keeps on. Management are ineffectual when I try to raise it further.

So. Even though I am strongly feeling I wasn't.

Was I being unreasonable not to notify my blood relatives of my accident and surgery?

"Do you want me to piss you off so badly that you'll never want to speak to me again?? Maybe THEN you'll understand that there are circumstances when you stop talking to people."

or perhaps more kindly:

"Look - I'm delighted that you obviously have a much nicer family than mine, and can't imagine a scenario where you wouldn't speak to them, but believe me, you wouldn't want to know them either if I told you the whole backstory. You're just going to have to trust me that I did the right thing, but it's absolutely none of your business. I've been polite up until now, asking you to stop bringing it up, but you mentioning it yet again is wearing my patience very, very thin."

Next time tell her you'll report it for harassment.

If you do then your employers will be likely to formally speak to her if she continues

It sounds like you've been direct. She sounds very naive if she cant imagine someone not being in contact with family.

I would give it as little attention as possible, next time "i know, you've told me this many times" might at least stop her repeating herself.

Look her right in the eye. Use A Tone.

"do not speak to me about this again, you are harassing me. Next stop my union/HR/your manager" (as appropriate)

I’m not estranged, and still don’t tell family everything!

So in addition to telling her to mind her own business about your family matters also point out that she has no business eavesdropping and she needs to pack it in

I might prefer to do that in front of an audience. Loudly

Could you/your friend say that you’ve been very patient with the continuous references to private business that was NOT intentionally shared, but you have asked for it not to be brought up, and at this stage you have grounds for formal grievance?

Was I being unreasonable not to notify my blood relatives of my accident and surgery?

Absolutely not unreasonable whatsoever.

Your colleague is beyond unreasonable.

I ended up being exceptionally blunt with a colleague years ago when they kept going on about how it was unbelievable that anyone would cut off their family. Asked them bluntly if they were seriously judging people who'd been neglected, abused, financially exploited, sexually assaulted, or raped for going NC. Then rather bluntly pointing out that someone saying they don't have contact with their family isn't going to want to tell Nosy Nelly that they're NC for detailed reasons because it's private.

Gosh I think you work where I work. They also can’t seem to fathom that people might estrangements or deceased family and never stop fucking questioning me.

Has your estranged family kept you updated about every medical issue they have had in the time you've been estranged? No? Well there's your answer.

@Mmmcheese89 you were definitely not being unreasonable!! We we no contact with my mother and my sister for the last few years of mother's life. we did not even inform her of my late daughter's cancer because she would not have been bothered. if it wasnt the golden child or the golden grandchild then it didnt matter! your peace is more important!

What is significant about this behaviour is that it is taking place at work. It is likely to meet the definition of bullying, regardless of what her intentions might be. I suggest checking the relevant procedures at your workplace - they may have an anti-bullying policy or statement.

You shouldn't be having to tolerate this at work, and I agree that you should consider raising a formal grievance if managers haven't dealt with it effectively so far. It should not be on you to deal with this, now that you have repeatedly asked her to stop without success - so you can put pressure on your manager & HR to sort it out.

The only reason I would caution you against raising your voice or swearing at her to make her stop (not that most people would blame you if you did) is that she may well be the type to then turn it round and accuse you of bullying her. That commonly happens sadly.

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld - just to say I am really sorry that you went through that & for your loss.

She sounds nuts. Is she trying to get a rise out of you or is she lacking in social skills?

I'd start to have some fun back if I were you. When she next mentions it I'd turn it round and say something like OMG! I've just realised why you keep asking! This must be triggering for you! then ask her Is everything ok at home? are you having problems? is your mum and dad ok? is there something you want to talk about? you know you can tell me etc etc etc. I'd wind her up 'til she blew a gasket. And then I'd keep going. Fuck her.

Sarah, I have repeatedly asked you to stop prying into my personal life.
It's none of your business and you need to stop. This is the last warning I am going to give you. If you do this again then I'll take this to a formal grievance.

Your colleague sounds very immature and /or very nosy /gossipy. Her behaviour is not acceptable at work (especially given the way she found out). Do you have team meetings? If yes, I’d be very inclined during a team meeting to make a point of the importance of respecting each other’s private lives, as colleague x has kept bringing up something about your private life which you didn’t even tell her directly, and you find it very rude and upsetting that she keeps doing this. Embarrass her in front of everyone, or at least in front of management. If you don’t have team meetings (or don’t want to raise this in front of everyone) tell your management AND her that she keeps raising your private life which she knows by eavesdropping and you need her to back off.

I haven't seen or spoken to my mum in 12 years. So much has happened in those 12 years, medically, personally, work related, I had a 10 month old baby the last time I saw her. That baby is now 13 years old and turns out he is severely mentally disabled. Still has a mental age of 12 to 18 months.
I got married a couple of years ago. Had various medical procedures.
Had a serious knee injury in February and still in a leg brace. Moved house twice. Not once have I ever thought of telling her about any of these events. She isn't part of my life anymore and never will be.

Your problem is not being estranged from your family, which you are clearly at peace with, but having such an intrusive colleague.
You might try saying a couple of times 'I've told you I don't want to discuss it, OK?' then move to literally ignoring her if she mentions it. It's way out of order especially in a work context.

I wouldn't engage with them at all on this, not even to ask them to drop it

Next time they start, why not try a quizzical smile and a raised eyebrow while looking them straight in the eye and saying precisely nothing? You might get some stuttering bewilderment to start with, but maintain "the look" and the penny should drop

I’d try “Sophie, are you ok at the moment? You seem to keep forgetting that I’ve asked you to stop saying things like this”

Sounds like she has no empathy or emotional intelligence.

You need to get HR involved about this, as she's harassing you about something that she should never have known about in the first place. Give them the actual dates when she's brought it up, and that you've asked her to drop it, so they can see you've tried to stop it already by speaking to her.
Can guarantee if you tell her to get lost with her views she'll be straight to them whining about you not being nice to her.

I was probably that naive and sheltered in my 20s. But not nosy. I'd probably, clumsily assume 'family' would help out. Family would ultimately trump.
I'm still a bit conditioned which is why Mumsnet is great for pointing out my brother is 50 and is being unreasonable.
You could either grey rock her
Or lay it down firmly that people do think long and hard about relationships but don't discuss them at work.

I was probably that naive and sheltered in my 20s. But not nosy. I'd probably, clumsily assume 'family' would help out. Family would ultimately trump.
I'm still a bit conditioned which is why Mumsnet is great for pointing out my brother is 50 and is being unreasonable.
You could either grey rock her
Or lay it down firmly that people do think long and hard about relationships but don't discuss them at work.

I’d tell her you find her constant references to your family very triggering and will have to officially report her if she keeps mentioning it. I’m estranged from my mother who was very violent to me as a young child and get furious when people say ‘oh but she’s your mother’ if they find out I have no contact. As if being a blood relative excuses all behaviour. It’s beyond ignorant and none of her business.