To ask my DP for some money??

[OrchardBlack]

Not sure if I'm going mad tbh.

DP moved in with me (rented) earlier in the year. It's just us two.
In September he lost his job. Has a new permanent one starting end of this month and has started temping this week at Royal Mail to tide him over until he starts permanent job.

I am on the bones of my arse financially. He hasn't obviously had a paycheck this month so I've paid for all rent, all bills, his petrol, food, the works. Can't be helped but I'm literally clinging on until my own payday. I used to live with a housemate and we went halves but she moved out just as DP lost his job 😂

To my AIBU - DP tells me he's had a cheque through from his credit card company for £270 odd, due to excess fees he's been paying. Amazing, I thought! He can give me at least half and that will hopefully tide me over and I might even be able to go for a much needed drink with friends this weekend now.

Except he didn't offer. All afternoon. So I just bought it up with him and asked if I could have at least some, even just to cover the electric this month (with him being unemployed and home all day it's ££££ this month).

He reacted, at best, despondentley. Kind of deflated himself and said "I mean...I guess"

I tried to reason with him and he said he wasn't saying no, he'd need petrol though (??). He said he would but I think he was embarrassed I had to ask?

We've kind of left it at that but there's definitely an atmosphere and now I'm questioning myself.

It's been a shit few months tbh.

AIBU??

He's probably feeling quite emasculated by it, and feels awkward?

Maybe?

I would speak to him again when you feel able to.

Not necessarily. How do you know that he hasn’t done some socialising of his own with ‘her’ money while she’s also been funding everything else since him losing his job and the lodger leaving?
OP yanbu to expect him to use some of this money to contribute to costs.

To be fair to him you aren't just paying his share you are also paying half of the third your flatmate covered, why haven't you replaced them yet, that would be a help.
I think those calling him a cocklodger are being unfair, by your own admission the house has never been cleaner, he has dinner sorted for you every night, got the food shop in and did DIY, has a job sorted and 1 to tide him over til that starts.
Yes given you are struggling too he should have offered you money, but it sounds more like the windfall was so unexpected and he was so relieved to not have to wait another week for his wage that he just didn't think. I'd certainly be keeping a careful eye on his attitude towards finances but wouldn't judge him by just this one instance.

But potentially lovely.

You were already down in cash when your lodger moved out.

So perhaps it's not all on your partner, cost of living means that everyone is struggling and no. I don't have savings to fall back on either, everything I get goes on bills.

Can you get a lodger too?

It's not his money, it's owed to OP, and a tenner on a drink will hardly make the difference.

@CosyLemur

He hasn't obviously had a paycheck this month so I've paid for all rent, all bills, his petrol, food, the works.

Just have a chat with him; he probably didn't even notice you were struggling if you've not said anything, in no way am I laying blame on you but he probaly saw that money to tide him over until payday. i mean he told you about it?

I do think you need a pretty straightforward chat going forward, ie rent, bills etc are X and we should pay 50/50 each. depends if you want to chase him for missed paymenst etc, i'd say that really depends where your relationship is though.

I don't get married people who dont pool their money together, there have been years where the wage disparity between myself and my significant other have been 5 to 1, hardly fair to expect 50% when they are pulling the main loads on childcare, etc and if I expected 50% of all costs their wage wouldn't cover the morgtage and electric bill. I'm sure this happens between both men and women.

Does what, pay a fair share of their living costs?

We do this! My husband lost his job and he still pays 50/50. I can cover it but he’s got savings so I shouldn’t have to cover all costs.
Before he lost his job he was earning significantly more than me and has savings.

I hope you are able to have an open discussion about finances moving on. It would probably also be a good idea to start saving money so a difficult month doesn't leave you in dire straits.
I work a zero hours minimum wage contract- this month is never good and I've been cancelled tomorrow so it's looking likely I won't get paid much this month. Exdh is unemployed (lives in same house, it's complicated) and youngest dc is still at school so on universal credit. I have a help to save account and also another savings account which I have organised in pots eg Christmas, rainy day etc. For each day I work I aim to save a minimum £10 and if its been a good month I will add extra. At the moment I have a few thousand in savings - we do own our own home and need to repair/ maintain it.

Half? He should be handing it all over and to go on bills and tiding yous over until he's paid, I wouldn't be going for drinks though if u are as skint as u say.

Did yous have a conversation about how the bills would be paid when he had no income? Did u offer to cover them or did he ask you to?

Like someone says previously, u need to have the financial conversation NOW! Everything split 50/50, obviously any bonus that comes in belongs to that person but if one is subbing the other, it's expected that that money is put towards bills, u don't get kept then keep an unexpected bonus to yourself. Have the conversation when he hands over the money if he hasn't already, he hands over the money and u say let's talk finances so u aren't bringing it up randomly.

@FupaTrooper exactly it happened to me. Used to have decent amount in savings and needing a new boiler unexpectedly, a sick pet, car needing loads of work means it’s all gone. With the amount bills and food has gone up and no pay rise I’ve not even able to even save again

There's a lot of selfish men about! If I said to my dh when he was a dp and now that I needed money, he would pass it over, unless he didn't have it! No questions asked. I can't believe you have been paying everything and then he's surprised you would ask him for some back...what a bell end. Him not you!