To ask my DP for some money??

[OrchardBlack]

Not sure if I'm going mad tbh.

DP moved in with me (rented) earlier in the year. It's just us two.
In September he lost his job. Has a new permanent one starting end of this month and has started temping this week at Royal Mail to tide him over until he starts permanent job.

I am on the bones of my arse financially. He hasn't obviously had a paycheck this month so I've paid for all rent, all bills, his petrol, food, the works. Can't be helped but I'm literally clinging on until my own payday. I used to live with a housemate and we went halves but she moved out just as DP lost his job 😂

To my AIBU - DP tells me he's had a cheque through from his credit card company for £270 odd, due to excess fees he's been paying. Amazing, I thought! He can give me at least half and that will hopefully tide me over and I might even be able to go for a much needed drink with friends this weekend now.

Except he didn't offer. All afternoon. So I just bought it up with him and asked if I could have at least some, even just to cover the electric this month (with him being unemployed and home all day it's ££££ this month).

He reacted, at best, despondentley. Kind of deflated himself and said "I mean...I guess"

I tried to reason with him and he said he wasn't saying no, he'd need petrol though (??). He said he would but I think he was embarrassed I had to ask?

We've kind of left it at that but there's definitely an atmosphere and now I'm questioning myself.

It's been a shit few months tbh.

AIBU??

I agree with this. I have spent the majority of my life with no savings , not because of carelessness but more to do with single income and parenthood etc

I agree

I think some of these replies have been a bit unfair on him, given the extra info OP has provided. (Spent his money on food shops, B&Q to do lots of DIY in the house, cleans, cooks etc.) He is literally just trying to get through the next couple weeks before he goes back to bringing in regular money again.

He should have offered some, yes. But I agree he was probably just relieved he could now get to his first pay next week (petrol, food) and not have to ask for more help.

Did he know how badly you were struggling because you helped him? It just sounds like a lack of communication. You both should have (need to do it now) sit down and work all this financial stuff out. Be open and honest with each other so you both know whats expected and needs to happen going forwards.

He sounds a decent bloke wrt money, cleaning etc usually. Hopefully now he has the temp work it’ll only be a few more days till things are back to nromal.

That said, if I were in his position and my partner used the money that was my lifeline (even if I accepted that I owed it) to go out drinking with someone else, I’d be hurt and probably angry. @OrchardBlack if he is due a pay check next week, can’t you go out then instead, and this weekend stay in with him and a bottle of wine? In solidarity at his situation. Otherwise I’d wonder why you HAD to have the money back straightaway, when if you could have waited I could have bought fuel and maybe paid my phone bill, but now I can only do one of those…

He does pay his way. Stop making stuff up.

It's not 'can I have some' it's 'great that can go towards the £4K that you owe me in rent'

You shouldn't have to ask. This would really put me off someone who is meant to be a partner.

Cocklodger! Get rid.

good luck OP. You can do so much better.

Sorry, but I don't trust him. He's been owed money for over paying credit cards so he's pretty careful with money. I'd suggest he has money and he's just not sharing. See how the next few months go once he's working and if he's still reluctant I'd suggest finding someone else. Also, I'd suggest you explain to him how hard it's been financially for you and ask, as soon as he's paid to reimburse you financially too. He needs to grow up if he thinks he's going to be living off you.

I use to have a friend who always pleaded poverty, couldn't pay for meals so we'd sub her. It got boring, we suggested she didn't come for meals and to wait. It turned out being down to her last £500 each month was what she called being skint. If she could freeload she would!

Seek a new, third, flat mate A.S.A.P.
Your living situation obviously needed the extra person to live comfortably.

Keep accurate tabs on what your partner owes - his one third of costs at least.
Did the other flat mate pay a month of rent in advance when they left?

Assume that he will repay you as possible.

You are in the right, you have been carrying him, it's now his turn to pay up, half is the least you deserve even more if he can spare it. I think a chat us needed about the future.

If you were married, with that level of commitment to each other, it would be ok-- but you're not. Don't be the woman who bankrolls him through lean times. For some reason they usually find someone else to share the fat times with.

LTB quickly. Freeloader.

But it's his attitude. If he's only been off work a month and is temping he has some money coming in. Sounds like he hasn't offered anything at all.

He had probably spent it all in his head as soon as he saw it, may even be thinking of Christmas. Does he have any money apart from this small windfall? Has he given you all he had to support yourselves up till now? I feel a bit for both sides, make it you and him against the world not against each other.

I mean, if you're literally on the bones of your arse spending his money to go drinking seems crazy to me.

So was he not embarrassed when he had to ask you to cover all his living expenses?

He's embarrassed you had to ask? So not only do you have to keep him, you have to pretend you don't and that all is financially well so his pride remains intact? If he was embarrassed he needs to hold the thought because he was right to be. Don't go along with a pretence its OK to soothe his ego. Stick to your guns.

Cocklodger. Get rid of this is your future life. You having to ask for cash and him throwing his toys out of the pram.

I can understand your frustration. I can also understand that he thinks "great, I don't have to scrounge petrol money this month", but he should have had an open and honest discussion with you about what to do with the money - his buying the next food shop would have been for both of you, for example. Shows low emotional intelligence on his part that he didn't think of those things.

The OP clearly doesn't have any savings either if her DP missing 1 pay day means she's on the bones of her arse!

Keep him? He's potentially missed 1 pay day, but has been temping with an agency!

YANBU.. For me the point would be that he didn't even offer or acknowledge your obvious shortfall.
He either is a scrounger or oblivious to obligations Neither are good

Well 'potentially missed 1 pay day' does indeed sound a great deal better than not worked for a month during which time the OP has paid all his expenses including his food. And that she now has no money, and rather than offer her some, he had thought to keep his to himself.
Unfortunately the OP makes it pretty clear it was the second rather than your more palatable spin.

uh oh, you have a cock lodger on your hands.