Not visiting for Christmas

[OhHellolittleone]

I usually spend Christmas at my dads house (mam lives close by) or at my in laws, and fly to my dads on 27th. My mam usually hosts dinner including my dad, her partner,
me, my husband and my sister.

This year we can’t travel as I will have a very young baby and a toddler. It just so happens my sister has decided she doesn’t want to travel and will instead stay in her city with her boyfriend of 2 years. No extenuating circumstances, just want she feel like doing. Usually this wouldnt bother me, but this year my dad is too unwell to travel to us. Mam has said that she and partner will come to us. Which leaves our dad alone. He has plenty of friends but has said on several occasions he’ll be fine alone. I feel sad for him as I think he doesn’t want to ask for invites, I also feel like a shitty daughter who will be judged when his friends find out we’re not visiting.

I feel quite helpless as I think my sister should
have planned to go to my mams, then my dad would go there and all would be well. But she hasn’t. She’s pretty much said that she shouldn’t be guilted into going. I haven’t told her I think she should, but it’s pretty obvious as I’ve said I feel bad for not going and I’m upset he’ll be alone. I also feel bad my mam will be at ours, when I know my dad would like to come! Equally I can’t punish her because of his illness, she’s generally very good to him even though they’ve been divorced for 30 years.

A aside- ive said I’ll try to visit towards Easter when the baby is more able to travel by car, but it’s a really long journey and I’m very anxious about it. My dads house is also not ideal for us as we prefer to have a room for each child and ourselves (my in laws are overseas, but it’s easier to visit them as they have a big house that’s prefect for kids).

AIBU to be upset? What should I do?

I think you need to let it go.

Your dad has said it's fine repeatedly.

People get so wedded to how things have always been done at Christmas. Maybe everyone will enjoy doing something different instead.

Don't fret is my advice. None of you are doing anything wrong.

You shouldn’t do anything, it’s your sisters decision. She’s allowed to skip a year travelling for Christmas and stay home, one year she might visit her in-laws. It’s unreasonable to expect your sister to always go home to one family for Christmas.
You having a baby doesn’t make your lifestyle more valid, your sister has a home in the city she lives and she’s allowed to want to spend Christmas in it.

You can either be flexible (find a way to manage the long journey, cope with the kids not having a room each) or you suck it up. You are not in charge of your sister's actions and nor are you responsible for them.

It's understandable that it doesn't sit well with you but there's nothing you can do.

You have no ability to get anyone else to go to your Dad's so it isn't worth stressing over whether they can or can't or should or shouldn't, because even if they can and should you can't make them. All you can do is decide whether YOU will go alone, or with baby and toddler (and hubby?) or not go. Unless you decide that you could go and should make the effort to go with kids, there's nothing else you can do. (That is not me saying you should go in the slightest by the way, it's just me say there is no point you fretting over things you have no control over.)

Your sister has made clear what she wants to do and that's none of your business. You do you and let her have the Christmas she actually wants not one you've quilted her into. Leave her alone.

If you aren’t going I don’t think you can expect your sister to go. It’s a shame nobody will be with him and I’d be worried he’s saying it’s fine but will actually be lonely. I’m sure you could travel somehow and stay close by otherwise how are you ever going to visit again? Your excuse doesn’t sound much better than hers tbh.

No extenuating circumstances and? She doesn't need any. I think you need to reframe how you look at your sister tbh

If your dad is anything like mine he is probably skipping about with joy at the thought of being able to sit on the sofa and watch his fave programmes eating party food (because I would be).

If you were that bothered you would find a way to make the journey and as for each child and you needed your own rooms…seriously? What do you do for holidays or hotel stays. Christmas is about making the effort and compromise but you seem to think your spurious reasons are more valid that your sisters right to do what she pleases at Christmas. If you are not prepared to make the effort why should she? Your excuses are feeble at best.

I think your dad will be fine- your mum has been so decent in hosting him for years so one year off is fine isn’t it?

I think I'd probably feel guilty and take the the children by plane to see him.

Please let this go. I am sure your dad loves you and would be upset if he knew this was worrying you. Allow your Dad the dignity of knowing his own mind. As each generation of children come into the family things evolve. Most Grandparents accept this natural shift in expectations.

Yabu.

Your reasons for not going aren’t exactly extenuating circumstances either. If you really want to go there, it could easily be pointed out that considering his circumstances and him being unwell, you could be going to see him with your kids/ his grandchildren for Christmas and be making memories and taking pictures instead of trying to guilt your sister into it.

I also have a baby and a toddler (and 2 dogs) ... if you wanted to go, it's not an impossible task.

its completely unreasonable to expect your sister to have to go just because you may find travelling a bit of effort. She's a grown adult and can do whatever she wishes, as can you.

I willing to hear I’m unreasonable to be upset with my sister, and I’m taking those comments on board, but having a baby that will likely be 10 days old really does count me
out of an at least 7 hour drive(last Xmas it too 10!!) after a c section (I wouldn’t drive but I’d need to be able to turn round in the car!) . Flying means several hours drive either side as well. Adding to that I was in hospital for several weeks after my first child. I will still be having medical care.

I’m finding these responses so interesting. There seems to be a feeling that my sister isn’t at all selfish or unreasonable to do exactly what she wants to do. In what situations do we have any kind of moral obligation to others who have been good to us over the years?

I have read the responses and decided that it is clear that my sisters mindset is not unusual. I shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come back on her, but I will choose to let go of the situation I cannot change and instead work on how I can be as supportive of my dad as possible without travelling (I explained in a previous post that I definitely
can’t travel, I will likely be under medical care with a 10 day old baby.)

@OhHellolittleone you’re put off travelling to your father’s because you want your 3 month old baby to have its own room. Your reasons aren’t any less selfish than your sisters.

How do you know there’s no extenuating circumstances? My sister would have no idea if I was depressed, pregnant, undergoing tests for medical stuff, secretly engaged - and definitely wouldn’t know my boyfriend’s circumstances.

Even if there are no circumstances, she’s allowed to make choices that are a bit selfish occasionally- she’s leaving her Dad to choose to either spend one single Christmas Day with friends or alone, she’s not abandoning him.

You have done exactly what suits you and your family (had another baby, invited your Mum to visit you), I think it’s unfair and selfish to expect your sister to soothe your mind about your Dad or protect you from the imaginary judgement of his friends by making arrangements to suit you and not herself.

As for your requirement that you need multiple guest rooms for your visits… the mind boggles. Just all share whatever space is available and make the best of it like everyone else does when they visit family, or book a nearby Airb&b. You sound very rigid and quite selfish yourself.

@OhHellolittleone you sound like a piece of work. You hope it will come back on your sister because she… wants to spend Christmas in her home with her partner? That’s also very selfish of you tbh - you want your sister to be unhappy just to assuage your own guilt. I know you’re upset and I imagine stressed with your imminent arrival but no need to wish bad things on people just because they’re not all doing what would make you happiest.

Those of you who are condemning the op for not travelling miles with a toddler and young baby are very unreasonable. This is always how it starts. One member with kindness and a conscience is always the default go to for every crisis. I agree that the sister should not be obliged to go. Christmas is special for lots of people not just the older generation. As I said earlier, your new family is your priority and your dad will understand.

Think your dad has been lucky to be invited to your mum’s for so long. Does he have any other relatives/friends he can see over the festive period, if not actually on Christmas Day?

You could travel if you really wanted to. Having a baby and toddler doesn't stop that but you don't want to, which is fair enough. It's also fair enough your sister doesn't want to.
Perhaps she thinks your excuse is rubbish and she hopes your decision comes back to bite you.
Equally your dad probably will be fine. My dad would be thrilled if no-one visited him at Christmas, he only celebrates for the grandchildren.

I would feel the same way as you but at the same time I can see that your sister may be trying to avoid a situation where you stay home every year with your growing family while she (not having children) is responsible for ensuring that your parents both spend Christmas with one of their children.

The real problem is the fact that your father isn't well enough to travel, which means this situation will arise repeatedly. I think you have to take him at his word and be glad that (if we're being honest) most men don't place as much meaning on big family days as women do. I would arrange a trip to see him sooner than Easter personally, but I don't know how far you live.

You don't get to load your guilt onto your sister. She is am independent person who has decided to spend it with her boyfriend. Completely understandable.

Unfortunately due to your circumstances you can't travel. That doesn't mean she now has a moral obligation in your behalf.

Your father has said he is fine. Your comments about your sisters choice are unfair and unjust. . " shall continue to believe it is selfish, and may one day come ..."

That isn't moral compass that is passive aggressive thinking.

Not spending a holiday with someone is perfectly reasonable.